The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Martians

  • Martin A. Martian Buys Vegas Casino After False Accusations of Cheating

    Martin A. Martian Buys Vegas Casino After False Accusations of Cheating

    Martin A. Martian

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LAS VEGAS – After an incident last week at the Rio Hotel & Casino that Martian-Americans supposedly cheated at blackjack using their non-existent “Martian powers,” Martin A. Martian, a Martian-American, has bought that casino.

    After oil companies bought their land in North Dakota, many Martian-Americans came to Las Vegas to celebrate, and they won a lot of money at the blackjack tables at the Rio.  The casino became suspicious and had them arrested.  They accused the Martian-Americans of using superpowers to gain an unfair advantage, superpowers that Martians do not possess.

    The charges were dropped two days after they were arrested, and a rather than sue the casino for damages, one Martian-American decided to buy the Rio.

    “I simply saw an opportunity and took it,” said Martin A. Martian.  “And if I get rid of some less than desirable casino owners in the process, then so be it.”

    Martin A. Martian mugshot from Rio arrest a week ago

    Martin A. Martian took his money from the land sale and invested it into the stock market.  He said he studied the stock market and watched the business news channels everyday, keeping tabs on what stocks were trending.  The stocks he invested in happened to soar in the past two weeks, and he was literally worth millions.  When the incident happened at the Rio last week, he stepped in to help his people in a big way.

    “This superpowers nonsense really riled me up,” Martian said.  “We’ve been getting this line ever since we came to this planet, and it’s always meant to demean our accomplishments.  I got that this past week with my investments, like I supposedly had powers to predict the future or read minds.  It’s ridiculous.  Talk to my financial planner, and you’ll see this all above board.”

    “I think we’re just on a lucky streak right now,” said Martian.  “I’m sure we’re going to have a run of bad luck before too long.  That’s just karma.  Which isn’t a superpower we have, either.”

    As for how Martian convinced the Rio’s owners to sell their casino when they weren’t in the market to sell, Martian is keeping that a secret.  “I’m just a good sales-Martian, I suppose,” Martian said.  “Also, millions of dollars and a pending lawsuit backed by the best lawyers money can buy helps.”

    Naturally, this hasn’t dissuaded any human who still thinks they have superpowers.  While nothing substantive has changed in the day-to-day operations of the Rio, attendance has reportedly gone down 10%.  Martian isn’t worried, though.

    “I understand how people are a little worried,” he said.  “But I have some big plans for the future of the Rio, and I think people of all planets will enjoy it.”

  • Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

    Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LAS VEGAS – Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested for cheating at several blackjack tables at the Rio Hotel & Casino using “Martian powers,” which they do not possess.

    After selling their land to oil companies, the Martian-Americans of North Dakota were flush with cash.  Some are traveling the world, some have relocated to Miami and New York, and some have moved to Las Vegas.  Over the past several weeks, they’ve become world-class gamblers.  The casinos took notice.

    “At first they were welcomed here with open arms,” said Lance Koblich, reporter for the Las Vegas Sentinel.  “Especially on the Strip.  People would take pictures with them, and they were just having fun.  And the city wants to build a spaceport in the future, so the city and county were eager to have them here, show that Vegas was an intergalactic destination.”

    The Martian-Americans loved to gamble and took to blackjack in particular.  Initially, they had the same luck as most patrons, but they quickly became masters at the game.  Night after night, they won more than they lost.  That’s when the casinos became suspicious.

    “One night, six of them pulled in $35,000 at the Rio,” said Koblich.  “They’ve only been in town for a couple weeks and apparently have never played blackjack before.  And they bragged about it, too.”

    The casinos started following their activities, and after another big payday, $26,000, the Rio called the police.  Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested on suspicion of cheating.  Neither the Rio nor the police would comment on how exactly the Martian-Americans cheated, but sources reported they cheated via Martian telepathy, skin color manipulation, and X-Ray vision.   Martians do not possess any of these powers.

    “It’s just ignorance and bigotry,” said Lo’m Carter, now living in Miami.  “We win at your games at your casinos, and the only way we can do that is through superpowers?  We don’t have any superpowers.  At best we can withstand the heat and cold better than you humans.  How about we’re just good at your stupid games?  How about you don’t treat us like monsters?”

    The ACLU is providing legal counsel for the twelve Martian-Americans, and the twelve have already posted bail.

  • Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

    Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

    marsndsm

    By Buffy Bolivar

    MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land.

    With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase was Mars, North Dakota.

    “We rich, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern, a young Martian-American.  “We’ve been living on this boring-[expletive] land forever, broke and dealing with all you racist peaches.  You want this land?  Have it!  We gone!”

    While the younger Martian-Americans shared Martin Oh’mern’s exuberance, many of the older members of Mars, ND, were bittersweet about selling their land.

    “I’ve lived here nearly my entire life,” said Lo’m Carter.  “It’s all I’ve known as home.  It’s not always exciting, but it was ours, you know?  But this town wasn’t built for older Martians, and it would cost a fortune to renovate.  Now, we have a fortune.  And we’re going to travel.  I’ve barely left North Dakota.  There’s so much to Earth.  I want to go to Vegas!”

    The town of 455 Martian-Americans will soon be down to 0, and that has some residents concerned this is all a ploy to get rid of them.

    “They give us all this money, supposedly,” said Crav’ern Thomason, “and they tell us to just leave.  Where?  What do we do for a living?  The money will last us for maybe three to five years.  We have to have our clothes specially tailored, our cars specially modified, and our medicine specially made.  That all costs money, lots of money.  Most places don’t hire space aliens.  You think they going to hire us?”

    Cenex and BP have both offered positions to the Martian-Americans, and a few of them have accepted the positions.  The ACLU is offering assistance to the Martian-Americans if they have trouble finding employment or housing.  The U.S. government said in a statement that they “were monitoring the situation.”  Other than that, the Martian-Americans are on their own.

    “I’m going to party, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern.  “I’m going to make these dead peaches rain!”

  • Mars Flight Home Fundraiser Underway

    Mars Flight Home Fundraiser Underway

    marsndsm

    By Skip Daverman

    MARS, North Dakota – After 70 years, the Martian-Americans may be able to visit their home world, but only if a fundraising effort can meet its goal.

    In 1940 The Martian Galactic Army invaded Earth in an attempt to colonize the planet.  The combined efforts of the world’s militaries and the Crimebusters (the precursor to the Peace Force) were able to stop the invasion, but several Martians aided the human resistance as well.  These 45 Martians pledged their loyalty to Earth in the conflict as most were dissidents of the Martian Galactic Army which had seized control of the planet 12 years prior.  Due to their invaluable assistance, they were granted asylum and relocated to North Dakota, whose barren landscape reminded them so much of home.

    Since then, the Martian population has grown to 124, and some of the Original 45 are nearing the end of their lives.  “My grandpa keeps telling me stories of growing up in the red sands of Mars,” said Ma’ak Stevenson, who was born here in 1991.  “He misses it so much, it hurts him.  I’d just like him to see his home planet before he dies.  And I’d like to see it, too.  I’m a Martian who ain’t never been to Mars.”

    Most of the Martians living in Mars, North Dakota, have never seen their home planet.  They were born on Earth and know more about Earth life than Martian life.   Most still call the planet by its Earth name, Mars, than by its native name, O’hn Ma’ohn.  “The younger generation just don’t know what it’s like,” said Crav’ern Thomason, who was born in 1921 on the planet Mars.  “They have it easy here.  Never had to dig for no food.  Never had to squeeze water from no rocks.  They need to know their red roots.”

    With space travel from NASA now virtually nonexistent, the Martian-Americans are turning to private space flight companies for help, but even then, it will be expensive.  The average 10-person space flight just to orbit the Earth costs $150,000.  Traveling to the moon and back costs $670,000 without touching down on the moon.  Mars trips cost at least $12 million without hyperdrive assistance, $23 million with hyperdrive assistance.

    To raise funds, the Martians and residents from nearby towns have started a Mars Home Flight Fund online that’s accepting donations.  Humans have lobbied their senators and governor to allocate funds to the Fund, and some have even gone to New York and New Romford to ask help from philanthropists like Thomas McDowell.

    “I just hope they’re not trying to kick us out,” said Lo’m Carter, who was born on Earth in 1954.  “They’re lobbying real hard.  Real hard.  Those Johnson boys down the road have never taken to us.  I think they’re disappointed that we ain’t green like they was expecting.”