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Martin A. Martian Buys Vegas Casino After False Accusations of Cheating

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Martin A. Martian

By Buffy Bolivar

LAS VEGAS – After an incident last week at the Rio Hotel & Casino that Martian-Americans supposedly cheated at blackjack using their non-existent “Martian powers,” Martin A. Martian, a Martian-American, has bought that casino.

After oil companies bought their land in North Dakota, many Martian-Americans came to Las Vegas to celebrate, and they won a lot of money at the blackjack tables at the Rio.  The casino became suspicious and had them arrested.  They accused the Martian-Americans of using superpowers to gain an unfair advantage, superpowers that Martians do not possess.

The charges were dropped two days after they were arrested, and a rather than sue the casino for damages, one Martian-American decided to buy the Rio.

“I simply saw an opportunity and took it,” said Martin A. Martian.  “And if I get rid of some less than desirable casino owners in the process, then so be it.”

Martin A. Martian mugshot from Rio arrest a week ago

Martin A. Martian took his money from the land sale and invested it into the stock market.  He said he studied the stock market and watched the business news channels everyday, keeping tabs on what stocks were trending.  The stocks he invested in happened to soar in the past two weeks, and he was literally worth millions.  When the incident happened at the Rio last week, he stepped in to help his people in a big way.

“This superpowers nonsense really riled me up,” Martian said.  “We’ve been getting this line ever since we came to this planet, and it’s always meant to demean our accomplishments.  I got that this past week with my investments, like I supposedly had powers to predict the future or read minds.  It’s ridiculous.  Talk to my financial planner, and you’ll see this all above board.”

“I think we’re just on a lucky streak right now,” said Martian.  “I’m sure we’re going to have a run of bad luck before too long.  That’s just karma.  Which isn’t a superpower we have, either.”

As for how Martian convinced the Rio’s owners to sell their casino when they weren’t in the market to sell, Martian is keeping that a secret.  “I’m just a good sales-Martian, I suppose,” Martian said.  “Also, millions of dollars and a pending lawsuit backed by the best lawyers money can buy helps.”

Naturally, this hasn’t dissuaded any human who still thinks they have superpowers.  While nothing substantive has changed in the day-to-day operations of the Rio, attendance has reportedly gone down 10%.  Martian isn’t worried, though.

“I understand how people are a little worried,” he said.  “But I have some big plans for the future of the Rio, and I think people of all planets will enjoy it.”