The New Romford Free Press

Tag: portal detector

  • Trump Activates Portal Detector, Nothing Happens

    Trump Activates Portal Detector, Nothing Happens

    trumpsmallBy Falco Rockbert

    NEW YORK – Donald Trump activated his Trump Portal Detector yesterday, and this time, nothing happened.  No explosion, no power outage, no city-wide headaches.  The only reason anyone knows that the Trump Portal Detector was operating is because of a secret informant within Trump Tower.

    According to the informant, who wished to remain nameless, Trump was using a power generator separate from the electrical grid.  Having learned his lesson from several weeks ago, and after receiving a $2 million fine from the city of New York as well as thousands of lawsuits from individuals hurt during his last stunt, he bought four hydrogen generators to power his Portal Detector.  Apparently, they were plated in gold.

    Once everything was set up, the machine was turned on, and it worked.  The Portal Detector was able to detect everything and everyone within a 10-mile radius that came from another dimension.  Most of these people and objects are already known, like the superhero Mntok and the dimension-89 exhibit at the Natural History Museum.  Trump was pleased, according to the informant, and instructed his science team to increase the range to include Washington, D.C.  The scientists said that might be illegal if not unethical, but Trump didn’t care.  The Portal Detector swept through Washington, where President Obama was taking questions about the NSA’s warrantless telepathic mindtaps in the White House press room, and the Portal Detector came up empty.

    Trump was reportedly furious, yelled at his science team for several minutes, and stormed out of the room.  He yelled expletives of every sort as he made his way to his office and slammed the door.  Then he yelled some more and threw things.  This was the final straw for the informant, and knowing Trump would never publically admit to being wrong, he came forward to the NRFP.

    Trump did not return the NRFP’s calls for comment.

  • Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

    Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallNEW YORK – While avoiding serious charges for his faulty psychic detector stunt, Donald Trump caused a blackout in New York City and New Jersey yesterday while powering up his Trump Portal Detector.

    Continuing his fruitless pursuit to prove President Obama is an imposter, Trump was building a portal detector in his Trump Tower.  The aim was to determine if Obama was from another dimension and to undermine his eligibility for president.  Beings from alternate dimensions are closely monitored by the U.N. and the global science community at large, and such beings emit an “aura” of ionic residue that is different from our dimension, which makes them easy to detect.  No one has raised any concerns about President Obama or his staff, yet that hasn’t convinced Trump.

    “Of course, they’re going to say they’re clean,” said Trump.  “They’re in cahoots with one another.  Only me and my Trump Portal Detector are truly independent, and I can assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this.”

    Then Trump turned on his machine and shorted out the power grid of New York and northeastern New Jersey.  Thankfully, it was in the middle of the day, so damage was minimal, though several traffic accidents were reported.  Remembering the blackout of 2003, most New Yorkers took the inconvenience in stride.  Needless to say, the Trump Portal Detector didn’t work.

    Power was eventually returned within hours, and New York and New Jersey got back to work.  Trump wouldn’t comment after the incident, and the NYPD is reportedly investigating this as a misdemeanor.

  • Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

    Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallWASHINGTON, D.C.  – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector.  He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service.

    Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused Obama of being a clone.  When that didn’t pan out, he hired scientists to build a portal detector to prove Obama was from an alternate dimension.  Impatient, he bought a psychic wave detector from Germany to prove Obama was being mind-controlled.

    All results came back negative for everyone within a three-mile radius, including the White House and Congress, but scientists are suggesting Trump bought a substandard device as a proper detector doesn’t cause side effects.  Headaches were felt by every living thing after he activated his device, causing several traffic accidents on roads and highways, mass confusion in animals, and alarms to go off at the Pentagon and White House.  There was a panic of a terrorist attack, but Trump was videotaping himself from his room in the Hay-Adams, overlooking the White House, when it happened.

    “With this psychic wave detector,” said Trump on the video, “I can determine if the president is being mind-controlled by Mental-Man or Dr. Brain or whoever [editor’s note:  there are no records that these supervillains exist].  I can ensure the American people that I will get to the bottom of whoever that man is in the White House, once and for all.”  Then, Trump fumbled around with the device and activated it.  He is shown experiencing a headache as soon as it’s turn on.

    The video then briefly shows Trump and another man fumbling to turn off the device, and then the video cuts off.  The Secret Service was able to triangulate the position of the device from their command center and promptly arrested Trump.  So far, no major injuries have been reported around D.C. or from the White House, but President Obama did appear from the White House balcony to wave at supporters.  Aides say he was making jokes about it at dinner.

    Trump is currently in Secret Service custody along with the psychic wave detector.  No word yet on what charges he may face.

  • Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

    Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallNEW YORK – Not content with seeing President Obama be born in person, business magnate Donald Trump now claims the president is from a parallel universe.  And he is spending millions to prove it.

    “How many parallel universes are there in the multiverse?” said Trump to the New York Times.  “Infinite, right?  How do we know the president wasn’t switched at birth with an evil version of himself?  Did anyone take pictures of him as a baby with a goatee?  We haven’t seen it because they’re hiding something from us, and I intend to prove it.”

    The multiverse is an ever-expanding field of study in cosmology as new parallel universes are discovered every year.  ATOM Labs has notated at least 12,000 different parallel universes in the past sixty years.  Many superheroes that reside in our universe, dubbed Universe-Prime, came from parallel universes, including Total Woman, Laser, and the android Qu8N-J.  A parallel universe can be different in subtle ways, where green means stop on traffic lights (Universe 2,144), or in significant ways, where the sun is green and lizards rule the world (Universe 8,401).

    Access to dimensional portals is restricted all around the world thanks to the Dimensional Portal Agreement of 1988.  To operate such a machine requires extensive inspection by the UN Superhuman Security Panel, and most would-be dimension hoppers are shut down before they even get started.  Iran tried to setup their own dimensional portal for “scientific reasons” in 2007, but they were shut down through several sanctions and a special “spray” Dr. Amazing made rendering an area immune to portal generation.  Even building a portal detector to determine if objects came from Universe-Prime requires scrutiny as it could still be used to generate portals.

    Somehow, Trump is passing all the inspections.  “We have nothing to hide here,” he said.  “The UN and Dr. Amazing are all welcome to watch us build the Trump Portal Detector at any time of the day.”

    A dozen floors in the Trump Tower have been converted from retail space to the Trump Portal Detector, and every UN inspector says it’s compliant.  “He’s following every mandate,” said inspector Thomas Gundel.  “The walls have been reinforced to sustain the pressure, the iridium is purified, and the whole room is spotless.  And gold.  That’s not really a necessity, but it’s as Mr. Trump wants it.”

    Trump expects the Trump Portal Detector to be completed in a couple months.  The White House had no comment.