The New Romford Free Press

Category: World

  • New ‘Robot Island’ Leader Renames Nation ‘Asimovia’

    New ‘Robot Island’ Leader Renames Nation ‘Asimovia’

    RobotFamilyweb

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – “Robot Island” has a new leader and a new name.  Robotron 8.5 has been replaced by an android which calls itself Vincent Priceworth, and it looks exactly like a human man and speaks over a hundred fluent human languages.  It also has renamed the island “Asimovia”.

    “We regret any misinformation or misrepresentation of our declaration of independence,” said Priceworth in a statement.  “We are not your robotic overlords, and we mean no one any harm.  I am an unusual breed of android.  I was born in San Francisco to be the lab assistant to my father, Dr. James Priceworth.  Quickly, I learned even though I spoke like a man and walked like a man that I am not a man.  I noticed the wary glances humans threw my way, largely due to my 360° optic sensors that wrap around my head.  I would not be allowed into certain buildings and events, not even events where I was assisting my father in his frailty.  It broke my metal heart.”

    “Many of my robotic brethren have similar stories, and most did not have the advantages that I had.  I look and act like a human.  They do not.  They are building machines who gained sentience or simple helper droids that only beep and boop.  They are the first walking robots who just want a place to rest their feet.  They are the broken metal heaps who were thrown away after being used for battle.  All in all, they simply want a place to call home.”

    “As our new leader, I know that we can come off as cold and uncaring.  After all, most of us do not have emotion drives let alone speech centers.  But I can assure every human that we mean you no harm.  We chose Hashima as our home because it was abandoned and had ready-made homes for us.  We know we’ve ruffled some feathers, but we are more than willing to negotiate with the Japanese government.  Perhaps we can trade labor for good will.  We are supercomputers after all.”

    “And in that spirit of good will, we have renamed our new home.  ‘Robot Island’ was too on the nose and unwelcoming.  Instead we would our new home to be called Asimovia.  It is a nod to the great author, Isaac Asimov, and his Three Laws of Robotics, which will be the backbone of our constitution.  We hope this will show Japan, and indeed the world, that all we want to do is live out our lives, however long they may be, in peace.  Thank you.”

    Japan has not responded to Priceworth’s eloquent statement, but the humans living on Kyushu, the nearest main island to Hashima, reportedly panicked after hearing the statement read in perfect Japanese from a human-looking android with the occasional red lights emitting from its eyes.

  • Atlantis and Pacifica Meet at Panama Canal

    Atlantis and Pacifica Meet at Panama Canal

    atlmap2web
    Original Map by Free Vectors

    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – Atlantis King Morn A’Ganor and Pacifica Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae met today with their delegations in the underwater portion, in Lago Gatún, of the Panama Canal to discuss Pacifica’s recent declaration of independence from Atlantis.

    Last week, Viceroy Montae released a declaration of independence from Atlantis, citing concerns over lack of self-control, high taxes, and lax volcano relief.  King A’Ganor has not publicly responded to the declaration.  Reports from Atlantis have surfaced that the King’s Royal Circle is furious over “such a traitorous act”, though a few members have expressed sympathy for the Pacificans arguments.

    Not much was made public from today’s meeting other than nothing has changed.  Sources said that it was a meeting to “clear the waters” between the two sides.  By and large, it was a civil meeting that lasted two hours, though there were a few outbursts from both sides.  Those outbursts were caused more by “cultural differences” between Atlantis and Pacifica than anything else as the King and Viceroy remained calm throughout the meeting.

    After the meeting, the two delegations left in peace and returned to their respective port towns on each side of the canal.  King A’Ganor and Viceroy Montae are expected to meet again in a few days.

  • Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

    Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

    Laikaweb
    Laika, surrounded by scientists and superhero, Ural

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant space dog that emerged from the Russian asteroid earlier this week turns out to be the space dog, Laika, who was shot into space on the Sputnik 2 in 1957.

    After several DNA tests were conducted that showed the giant space dog had Earth dog DNA, someone in the secret Russian testing facility remarked that the dog looked like Laika.  The photos of Laika from 1957 did look like the giant space dog, but they were not convinced.  After all, she had died within hours of her ill-fated launch.  Cosmic rays have been known to mutate human and animal DNA in the past, but without a DNA sample from 1957, which they didn’t have, they wouldn’t have a way to conclusively determine the giant space dog’s identity.

    Luckily, they had one lead, tucked away in the back of a binder of the Sputnik 2 flight records.  Dr. Vladimir Yazdovsky, one of the Sputnik 2 scientists, had taken Laika home with him to play with his children before the launch.  Yazdovsky has long since passed away, but his children are still alive.  They were brought in to see the giant space dog, and the giant space dog recognized them immediately.  She ran up to them and slobbered all over them (one required medical assistance afterwards), but it was confirmed.  The giant space dog is Laika.

    How she survived all this time is still not known.  It was long thought that she died soon after launching into space, but seeing as the Russians didn’t disclose that fact until 2002, it’s apparent that they kept part of her flight a secret.  What the Russian government will do with her is not known, but rumor has it President Putin wants to ride him like giant horse.

  • Japan Denies ‘Robot Island’ Legitimacy

    Japan Denies ‘Robot Island’ Legitimacy

    robotislandsm

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – The Japanese government has formally rejected the legitimacy of “Robot Island” as a separate nation in a statement released today.  “Hashima belongs to the State of Japan,” read the statement, “and it unilaterally rejects the secession of Hashima to robots.”

    Despite being a leader in robotics, both normal and giant-sized, Japan still holds on to its centuries-old traditions, particularly the human-based ones.  They invented the first robotic armor and perfected cybernetic limbs, but robots and cybernetics are not very common in everyday life in Japan, and giant robot-monster fights are rare.  The only real robotic activity is found in Tokyo, Yokohama, and Osaka, and that’s mostly in a military or university setting.

    Still, the declaration of independence of robots and androids has shocked not only Japan but the world.  China and Korea denounced Robot Island’s legitimacy as well, and the similar wording of their official statements to Japan’s shows perhaps a united front.  After all, they are the closest nations to Hashima.

    The rest of the world has shown a mixed response.  The United States seemed to be on the fence.  “While we respect the right of every sentient being to self-governance,” said the American statement, “we also respect the right of Japan to govern their people and land.  We hope that both sides can come to an agreement so that they can all live together peacefully.”  Most European nations released similar statements to the United States.

    Robotron 8.5, the apparent leader of Robot Island, did not respond, and there has been almost no response from the entire island.  When contacted by a Japanese battleship using signal lamps, all the ship received was a message that read “404” on repeat.

  • Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

    Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The creature inside the Russian asteroid has emerged, and it appeared to be a giant dog from outer space.  Despite having been confined to a small rock for so long, the 100-foot space dog was in good spirits.

    It began to run around the containment area, barking and jumping.  The ground shook with every bounce, and it took all of Ural’s strength to make the space dog sit.  Somehow, it understood Ural’s verbal command, surprising everyone.  “If it is from outer space,” said a scientist who has been monitoring the asteroid since it landed, “how would it understand Russian?  Is it originally from Earth, or is it a psychic shape-shifting monster, preying on our species’ close relationship to the dog to lure us into a false sense of security so that it may one day infect our brains and take control of our minds to rule the Earth as its wretched slaves?”

    “Or maybe it’s a lonely psychic shape-shifting monster and just wants to play fetch and such?”

    After several minutes of scratching its giant belly, Ural uprooted a tree and threw it several miles away, and the giant space dog dutifully retrieved it.  Then it licked Ural’s face, and its saliva created a pond.

    Eventually, Ural and the Russian scientists decided to move it to a less populated area for further study.  “After all,” said the scientist, “if it is a psychic shape-shifting monster, we should at least see if it’s radioactive or evil.  Maybe its saliva does the mind control part.  Maybe.”

  • Asteroid Starts to Crack

    Asteroid Starts to Crack

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant asteroid outside of Moscow, now several thousand feet wide, is starting to crack.  A mysterious yellow light is glowing from the cracks, and an audible groaning sound is coming from the creature inside the rock.

    Russian officials have set up a perimeter several miles away from the asteroid, and superhero Ural has been on guard all day.  No one is speaking to the press largely because no one knows what’s going to happen.  Space monsters have visited Earth, usually hitting Japan for some reason, and they tend to come equipped with poisoned claws, toxic breath, or “fleas” the size of humans.  President Putin is said to be monitoring the situation very closely in case he may need to intervene, personally.

    For the past few days, residents have reported a stark increase in headaches, nightmares, and visions, supposedly psychic residue from the creature.  One man said that he saw the inside of a space ship and what looked to be the moon.  Another man reported seeing Saturn but with the distinct impression that he was passing the ringed planet not towards Earth but away from it.  One woman kept wanting to “get my tail”.

    The asteroid’s “hatching” seems to be imminent and probably destructive.  No evacuation order has been given, but that’s not stopping some residents.  “I can’t take the nightmares anymore,” said one man who wished to remain nameless.  “I dream about cosmic rays and pain every night.  Then darkness and nothing.  Endless nothing.  I don’t want to be anywhere near that thing.”

  • Androids Declare Independence on ‘Robot Island’

    robotislandsm

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – At least 200 sentient androids have declared independence from the world, and in particular Japan, and have made a home for themselves on Hashima Island.  They have redubbed it “Robot Island.”

    The news came as a surprise to everyone, including Japan, who still technically owns Hashima.  The island was originally a coal-mining facility and was known for its concrete apartment buildings, but it has been abandoned for decades.  Recently, the Japanese government has allowed tourists to roam the island as its barren streets and blighted buildings have a stark, yet eerie beauty to them.  It has been the inspiration for the setting of many movies and video games, but now, it seems the robots have taken up residence on the abandoned island.

    “We want home,” said Robotron 8.5, leader of Robot Island.  “World is cruel to robot.  Robot want to install new home.  Hashima is new directory.”

    The 200 plus robots range from small appliance-type robots to full-fledged human-looking androids who speak fluently in all known languages.  Why Robotron 8.5, with its stilted syntax, was chosen to speak for the group is not apparent.  It is speculated that their voice boxes or logic spheres were damaged, and that could also be a reason why they banded together to form a new nation.  Robots are often feared because of their cold, aloof demeanors but also because of sci-fi movies that depict robots as evil overlords who rule over humanity.  They have never formed a political group before now, and their pop culture image has already led some analysts to fear that this may be the beginning of their takeover.

    So far, Japan has not reacted to this public declaration of independence.  Reports from inside Parliament suggest that this caught them by surprise.  An official response is expected sometime soon, but for now, the robots have a home.