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  • Lightning Bug Argues Self-Defense

    Lightning Bug Argues Self-Defense

    lbmugshotwebBy Chase Chapley

    Confounding many legal experts, the Lightning Bug, a.k.a. Horace Wagner, and his attorney argued in court today that his actions at the Verzatt Estates were in self-defense.  The prosecution had presented evidence that Wagner had been setting himself up as a hired gun in the New Romford underworld, and in testing out his new equipment, he accidentally caused the explosion.  Wagner and his attorney argued that he had to wear the armor to defend himself from Speedster, who they say has been tracking him for several weeks, and that he was in New Romford to find help for his mutated bugs, which he claims were mistreated by an associate of his.

    It’s an unusual defense made by a known supervillain.  Peace Force-sanctioned superheroes have the authority to pursue known criminals if they have probable cause the criminal committed a crime or if they have escaped prison.  Wagner has been wanted by the FBI for several months prior to his arrest on suspicion of robbery charges in New York and Philadelphia.

    “It seems like they’re grasping at straws,” said legal expert, Burt Montana.  “Speedster was nowhere near the Verzatt Estates at the time of the explosion, and they didn’t establish any other threat besides her.  If another supervillain were threatening him in that apartment, then he has a compelling case, but he hasn’t put forth any evidence for that.”

    The prosecution didn’t seem fazed by the argument, pointing out many of the same flaws that Montana did.  The defense argued that since Speedster is so fast that it would be likely that she could enter the apartment mostly undetected.  They also asked for Speedster to be testify in court, but as she was in India fighting a giant elephant monster with a pair of Indian superheroes, she wasn’t available.

  • Kelsey Grammer Insists Everyone Call Him Frasier

    Kelsey Grammer Insists Everyone Call Him Frasier

    By Julia Crumpleman

    HOLLYWOOD – In yet another bizarre series of incidents, actor Kelsey Grammer is insisting everyone call him “Frasier” even though he hasn’t played that character since 2004.

    While doing an interview with Extra for his new show, Montgomery, Grammer told the reporter, Angela Michaels, several times to call him “Frasier” or “Dr. Crane”.  At first Michaels thought he was joking, but he kept insisting that was his real name.  Michaels became increasingly nervous throughout the interview.  “I didn’t know if he was joking or what,” she said during an in-studio segment after the interview.  “I mean, he was clearly talking about playing his new character in his new show, so it was like he actually thought he was Dr. Frasier Crane.  He just kept saying that was his name.  In all my interviews, I never had felt so uncomfortable.  It was just strange.”

    Michaels even showed Grammer a promotional poster of his new show which clearly states “Kelsey Grammer is” over the show’s title.  Grammer was perplexed and said, “But that’s not how you spell ‘grammar’.”

    Various people on the set have confirmed that this has been going on for a few weeks.  Most thought it was simply a prank at first, “like he lost a bet,” said one person.  But after several weeks, it became clear that it wasn’t a bet.  “No one has that much commitment to anything off-camera,” said one unnamed source.  “And especially when it has nothing to do with the thing we’re shooting.  I even saw him sign for something once, and he signed it Dr. Frasier Crane like it was something he’s been doing all his life.  First the rakes, now this.”

    A month ago, Grammer was hospitalized after stepping on several rakes like his The Simpsons character, Sideshow Bob.  He hasn’t stepped on any more rakes on set since then, but this is yet another strange turn in the life of a veteran actor.

    When the NRFP contacted Grammer personally for a comment, he said, “I don’t know why people keep thinking I’m this Kelsey Grammer person.  You have the wrong number,” and then hung up.

  • Donald Trump’s Hair Sues Donald Trump

    Donald Trump’s Hair Sues Donald Trump

    trumpsmall
    File photo

    By Falco Rockbert

    NEW YORK – Business magnate Donald Trump is being sued by the unlikeliest of plaintiffs:  his hair.

    As many had speculated, Donald Trump’s hair was indeed a sentient creature.  It was clearly not a natural hair formation for a human being, and either it was a separate animal atop his head or an unusual mutation.  Trump had always maintained that it was real, but that is not the case anymore.

    The creature, who calls itself “Jimmy Gold” in the legal briefs, is suing Trump for what it deems as “gross negligence and mismanagement” of The Trump Organization, in which it claims a 40% ownership stake.  The lawsuit seems to have arisen from the recent actions of Trump to undermine President Obama’s authority and legal right to be president.  If the ownership stake is true, then Jimmy Gold would have a vested interest in how the Organization’s money was spent.  The various machines Trump has built to undermine Obama could not have been cheap, and that’s not counting the lawsuits Trump incurred from his stunt in New York a few months ago.  It is asking for a recoupment of money it says Trump “stole” from it as well as a buyout of his ownership stake.

    Jimmy Gold is also asking for “emancipation from Trump’s head”.  How it came to be attached to Trump and where it came from were not addressed in the legal briefs.  But the briefs did indicate that Jimmy Gold had been attached to Trump for 27 years.

    When asked for comment, Trump did not return our calls.  Jimmy Gold’s legal team also did not comment, and no court date has been set yet.

  • Residents Repay Businesses After Dino-Day Disaster

    Residents Repay Businesses After Dino-Day Disaster

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Businesses were hit hard during the Dino-Day Disaster, especially the ones that sold food.  Many were looted by hungry people, whose increased sizes required more calories to burn.  Today, thousands of residents flooded these businesses to pay for what they ate.

    “I was not expecting this,” said Sal Montoya, owner of Sal’s Deli in LoDo.  “My deli was empty after that day, and my insurance could only pay so much.  I don’t blame anyone for taking what they needed because it was a rough time, you know, so this really is something special.”

    Allie deFranco, a Parkhill resident, started a Facebook campaign to repay the businesses that unwittingly helped so many people.  “When I was an Allosaurus that day,” she said, “I was just so hungry, and I didn’t really care where I got my food.  Perhaps it was the animal in me, but the human in me felt guilty that I was raiding Sal’s Deli.  Then I started talking to some of my friends, who had similar experiences, and we decided to just start a campaign to take one day out of the week to repay these places the best we can, with money.”

    DeFranco thought she’d get at most 100 people interested in her campaign, but as word spread online, that number quickly shot up to over 20,000 people.  Everyone was encouraged to repay what they thought they took, but if they couldn’t afford that, they asked to donate at least $5 to that business.

    Markets, delis, restaurants, and bodegas all over Downtown, Bexton, and Dukes were flooded with patrons, and most people gave back more than what they took.  “This one lady was just too kind,” said Maria Gonzalez of Chica’s Bodega in Dominicana.  “She told me how she was this big armored dinosaur, I don’t remember what she said she was, but she was just so hungry that she ate 20 heads of cabbage and a whole basket of tomatoes.  If that’s true, it’d cost at least $100, but she gave me triple that.  I just hugged her like she was my own daughter.”

    DeFranco hopes that the money can be used to help get these businesses back on their feet, even if that’s going to be a long road.  “My home only got a few scrapes from that day,” she said.  “My office was closed that day and didn’t get damaged, so I’m one of the lucky ones.  These people’s whole livelihoods have been dismantled.  It’s the least we can do.”

  • Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow humans!  Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills:

    I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well?

    Well, Pablo, you’re in luck!  The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz.  I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response.  (Space is vast, and emails can only travel so fast.  Oh, that rhymed!)

    “Superheroes” as a concept is a hard one for a non-Earthling like myself to understand.  What defines a “superhero” on Earth can be ambiguous.  One doesn’t need superpowers above and beyond a non-powered human, but a costume is generally required.  Even then, it’s not easy to define as some superheroes wear the traditional garb of their homeland.  Being a “superhero” appears to be a notional concept.  The Earth saying “I know it when I see it” seems to be the only reliable measure here.

    From what I’ve gathered from visiting and studying hundreds of planets and their cultures, there are always heroes and inspirational figures.  Like Earth, they have their great leaders, rulers, messiahs, and tycoons, normal members of their race that rise above their peers (apart from the breed-pod cultures of the outer Carminni Galaxy who have been breeding clones of one or two individuals for the past few millennia).  My planet, Minax, has several of these figures, but none of them have powers beyond me or wear costumes beyond our current styles.  By Earth definitions, we don’t have superheroes.

    I’d say the same goes for most planets, but again, the term “superhero” is an Earth term that can’t be applied to other planets.  Everyone on planet Meerillee can fly, shoot lasers from their eyes, have super-strength, and speak 700 languages with ease, but none of that would constitute superpowers in their society anymore than walking on two feet would be a superpower on Earth.

    I suppose the term “superhero” could also be applied to anyone who goes above and beyond for the greater good.  I’ve heard many Earthlings speak of superheroes in this way because even supervillains have powers and colorful costumes.  It matters what individuals do, and there’s something appealing about this to many cultures.  If we used this definition, then there certainly are superheroes on every planet, including mine.  That’s harder to define, of course, but that is the best I can do, Pablo.  I hope that answers your question.

    Thanks, Karna!  That was a very thoughtful reply and a good reminder that we can all be superheroes in our daily lives if we so choose.  (Though I wouldn’t mind being a Meerillee-ian!)

  • ‘Normal Man’ Passes Away

    ‘Normal Man’ Passes Away

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals a month ago, has passed away at the age of 54 due to complications from his injuries.

    ATOM Lab scientists are still trying to comprehend what has happened to one of their own.  “This is just so tragic,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “Gil was a good man, and I grieve for his family who will have to forge on without him.”  Paladio said that he also had a good life insurance policy as does everyone at ATOM Labs, so they will at least be financially taken care of, and they are also planning a memorial service in the courtyard.

    The Heredia family could not be reached for comment and have asked for privacy.

    Carlos Montero, the scientist assigned to monitor Heredia’s condition, is confused by what has happened.  “I know the human body better than anyone,” he said, “and I’ve seen dozens of people fall into vats of chemicals and survive.  This, tragically, is the first instance where one didn’t come back.  None of the chemicals attached to his DNA and gave him powers, not even a horn or single levitation.  His organs, they just gave out.”

    ATOM Labs has pledged to discover what exactly happened with Heredia, but any decision on an autopsy will have to be made by the family.

  • ‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

    ‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

    PinnacleHealthweb

    By Dash Hamley

    According to sources within the DEA, there are “at least” 30 professional athletes, from the MLB, NFL, and NBA, on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic in White Valley.  The sources could not name any names yet, but five names are “major athletes” with huge contracts and endorsement deals.  Needless to say, the sports world has been rocked to its core.

    “If this is true,” said sports commentator and hateful troll, Skip Bayless, “then I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  Steroids and HGH are one thing, but superpowers are on a level all their own.  I’ll bet my salary that LeBron James is on that list.  He just has to be.”

    Other sports commentators were less dramatic and accusatory based on almost no information.  “This could very well be the biggest scandal of all time,” said Joe Buck.  “We’ve always known that athletes will do whatever they can to get an edge, and PEDs are no exception.  So of course, some people would try out superpowers.  And hey, at least it’ll give us all something to talk about during games.”

    Speculation on who could be on the client has run rampant throughout all the sports leagues.  The MLB and NFL are already mounting investigations, and the NBA has reportedly started hiring new investigators of their own.  Players and coaches around the country are not talking about it, but it’s clear everyone’s nervous.  “First Balco, then Biogenesis, now this,” said a baseball player who asked to remain anonymous, “it’s just sad and infuriating.  Babe Ruth never had superpowers.  At most people thought he had magic powers, but that’s nonsense.  Hank Aaron never had superpowers.  Now, who knows what people could have?”

    “It ruins the spirit of the game to suddenly have the proportional strength on an ant or whatever.”