The New Romford Free Press

Tag: illegal superpowers

  • MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis.

    “Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can give players an unfair advantage in a multitude of ways.”

    “What we’ve encountered with Jay McMillan is unprecedented,” the statement continued.  “This is the first player who has taken drugs to suppress his God-given abilities to play baseball.  He went out of his way to make sure he was on a level playing field even though he has great strength and speed.  As long as Jay continues to take marostorzin with a proper prescription, he will be allowed to play baseball.”

    The statement also reported that MLB couldn’t find any evidence that McMillan had let his superstrength and speed come out during his playing career.  But they will be testing him on a “regular basis” to determine if he’s gone off of marostorzin at any time, and if he does, he will be banned from baseball for life.

    While the MLBPA strongly disagrees with the possibility of a permanent ban for a first-time offense, they recognize that superpowers are a new territory for them.  “We understand that Jay can lift cars and jump across wide chasms,” their statement said, “but we urge the commissioner to reconsider a lifetime ban for a first offense, even for one that hasn’t happened yet.  That said, we’re pleased Jay will be able to play baseball again.”

    McMillan reportedly obtained marostorzin from Pinnacle Health in order to keep his superpowers a secret, but now in the open, he has found a legitimate doctor and private practice who will supply him with his “medication”.  Assuming he passes a physical administered by MLB, he will be allowed to play as soon as next week.

  • Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

    Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers.

    McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed.  While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds.  By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9 superstrength and level 8 superspeed.

    The second half of McMillan’s story appears to be true as well.  The DEA found that he took marostorzin, a mild superpower inhibitor that is used primarily by physicians for medical purposes.  How Pinnacle Health was able to obtain this, given that marostozin is a regulated prescription drug not commonly found at clinics, was not disclosed in the DEA’s report.  It would seem Pinnacle Health may have another legal issue to add to their pile, and McMillan may be at fault, too, but the DEA only said the matter “was still part of an ongoing investigation.”

    Exonerated, McMillan is grateful.  “I’m happy that my true story is finally out,” he said in a statement.  “I know this is hard to believe, but I only did this because I love baseball.  We’re so worried about players having an unfair advantage, and rightfully so with all the PEDs in the game.  But I want everyone to know that I did this to preserve the game’s integrity, and I hope to return to the field soon.”

    While out of serious legal trouble, McMillan’s status with MLB is still unclear.  All professional sports have a ban on superpowers.  If McMillan’s story is true, then he’s been taking marostorzin for his entire playing career, but some in baseball don’t believe that.

    “It’s hard to say,” said ESPN columnist Buster Olney.  “We have to assume that he kept on the drug for the past six, seven years.  What about those weeks or months that he struggled in the minors?  What about those months when he was on fire?  Are we supposed to assume that he didn’t miss a few dosages here and there to get an unfair advantage?”

    “I really want to see what he’s like at full power,” said ESPN columnist Tim Kurkjian.  “I’d love to see him crush a ball a mile.  If nothing else, I want to see him hit a ball to center field and then run really fast there to catch it.  That’d be something!”

    Spectacular displays aside, MLB hasn’t issued a ruling on McMillan’s case.  They’re reportedly discussing the issue, and McMillan has voluntarily suspended himself for the time being.  The New Romford Railers, on the other hand, have expressed support for their All-Star.  “We don’t care if Jay has six arms, three eyes, or secret wings,” they said in a statement, “he’s a Railer, and we want him on our team.”

  • Wheel of Fortune Puzzle Writer Becomes Monster Trying to Combat ‘Writer’s Block’

    Wheel of Fortune Puzzle Writer Becomes Monster Trying to Combat ‘Writer’s Block’

    By Skip Daverman

    SAN DIEGO – One of the puzzle writers for Wheel of Fortune was arrested after rampaging across Downtown San Diego due to a negative reaction to illegal superpower drugs.

    Bill Sloan, 56, has been writing puzzles for Wheel of Fortune for 23 years and became Head Puzzle Writer in 1999.  He’s considered a legend in the game show circuits for his mastery of televised word puzzles, balancing the right combination of consonants and vowels while staying up to date on current trends.  But even the best puzzle writers get writer’s block, and to combat his latest bout, he turned to drugs.

    “The poor guy was just having on heck of a time,” said Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak.  “Bill is usually just so spot on with all his puzzles.  I don’t know how he comes up with the Before & Afters.  I mean, ‘Artichoke Heart of Darkness’?  Pure genius!  Who comes up with that other than Bill?  No one, that’s who.”

    Producers said Sloan, who works remotely from his home in San Diego, hadn’t turned in a new puzzle in months.  While they insist he was never in danger of losing his job, they also sensed that Sloan was growing desperate.  “Genius just gnaws at you,” said executive producer, Harry Friedman.  “And it gnawed at Bill.  He just wanted to write one more good puzzle, and he just couldn’t do it.  So sad.”

    While crew members, producers, Sajak, and co-host Vanna White all contributed puzzles in his absence, Sloan dove deeper into depression (and the show’s ratings started to slide).  At some point, he purchased illegal superpower drugs to amplify his brain activity, and today, his brain exploded with ideas.  Literally.

    Sloan’s superactivated brain gave him so many ideas that they took physical form in the real world.  How is not understood right now, but scientists imagine he manipulated light waves to make physical objects from nothing.  Dinosaurs, robots, cowboys and Indians, cruise liners, the Rolling Stones, and, for some reason, a Sajak-White fusion creature appeared in Downtown San Diego.  The constructs were too much for Sloan to control, so they wreaked havoc all over the place, destroying streets, vehicles, and buildings.

    The SDPD tried their best to contain them, but thankfully, Adonis flew in to save the day.  His mighty punches and eye beams were enough to destroy the constructs into nothing, and they were all gone in less than a minute.  Depowering Sloan was another matter, but after a long talk, Adonis was able to calm him down.  It didn’t appear that Sloan knew what he was doing, but the SDPD put a few power dampeners around his head just to be safe.

    Sloan was arrested and is being held on several felonies.  Meanwhile, Wheel of Fortune vows to move on.  “Maybe we can use a few of Bill’s old puzzles,” said Friedman.  “You know, just as a tribute to a legend.”

  • McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

    McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    In yet another stunning turn of events in the Pinnacle Health scandal, Jay McMillan, first baseman for the New Romford Railers, released a statement this morning revealing that he did purchase drugs from Jared Mendoza but not to gain superpowers.  Rather, he claims to have used drugs to suppress his own natural superpowers.

    “Ever since I was a boy,” McMillan said in his statement, “I was always stronger and faster than everyone else.  At the time it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  I was just a better athlete.  But as I went into high school, I noticed that my strength and speed were much greater than my teammates.  I could lift cars and jump across rivers.  After consulting with a few experts, my parents and I determined that I had natural superpowers.  I was never in a chemical spill, never hit by cosmic rays, never augmented with nanites.  My powers were all-natural.”

    If validated, this would free McMillan of any possible criminal charges thrown against him.  It is a crime to obtain superpowers intentionally but not a crime to obtain superpowers unintentionally or by birth.  But it also mean the end of his career as an athlete, where superpowers are strictly forbidden.

    “Now, many people will wonder why I didn’t become a superhero with these powers,” McMillan continued.  “The truth is that my strength and speed are not that great compared to the professionals in that field, nor do I have the mental fortitude to lead that life.  I believe it takes a special kind of person who wants to be a superhero, and all I wanted to do was play baseball.  So I purchased drugs from Jared Mendoza to suppress my powers so that I wouldn’t have an unfair advantage over my peers.  That is the truth.”

    McMillan’s claims will need to be investigated by the DEA as suppressing superpowers is a muddy legal issue.  An even muddier issue will be the public’s reaction.  Superhumans are all but expected to contribute to society in some way, either by becoming a superhero or a construction worker.  Using superpowers for less helpful purposes, like sports, is viewed as selfish.  In the past decade, there’s been pushback from superhumans who just want to lead normal lives without the pressure to become superheroes, but it’s still a thorny issue.

    Meanwhile, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless has been officially suspended for 30 days by ESPN for his LeBron James chair-throwing incident from last week.  Previously, ESPN had suspended him indefinitely.

  • 32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

    32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    In a stunning turn of events, 32 professional athletes have pleaded guilty to illegally obtaining superpowers via drugs sold by Pinnacle Health.  Jay McMillan was the only athlete who did not plead guilty, choosing instead to fight against the DEA.

    According to sources inside the DEA, the evidence against the athletes was conclusive and direct.  There were photos, texts, recorded phone calls, and even video of the athletes either buying or proposing to buy superpower drugs from Pinnacle Health.  Because they pleaded guilty, the athletes were able to get reduced sentences, but the number of years was not yet disclosed.  They will also have to receive mandatory superpower-reversing treatments until they are fully human again.

    The list of athletes includes prominent players from the MLB, NFL, and NBA:  Cody Rodriguez from the San Diego Padres, Michael McNally from the Texas Rangers, Paul Blart and Aaron Morgan from the Cleveland Indians, Carl Heddiger from the Chicago Bears, and Mike van Epps from the Indiana Pacers.  Naturally, each league has already banned every player from their respective sport, and any endorsement deals they had will surely be reviewed.

    But Jay McMillan has not been banned from Major League Baseball just yet.  He has chosen to fight the charges against him.  “This doesn’t sound like a smart move,” said legal analyst Martin Laredo.  “The evidence, which I’ve seen parts of it, against the other 32 athletes is very solid, so much so that they’ve all pleaded guilty to avoid lengthy sentences.  I can’t imagine the DEA would have less than that for [McMillan].”

    In other news, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless reportedly threw a chair in the ESPN offices when LeBron James’s name was not included in the list.

  • Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs.

    McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business, and Jay has no connection to this place.”  Since it’s the offseason, McMillan is at his home in Texas.

    Two years ago, the Railers signed McMillan to a seven-year, $156 million contract, and he’s been an elite player ever since he entered the majors in 2008.  He also has several endorsement deals, including Nike, Pepsi, Gatorade, Dick’s, and Gillette.  Forbes estimated that he made $56 million last year alone.

    If convicted, McMillan not only would be banned from Major League Baseball, but he’d surely go to prison for at least 20 years, effectively ending his professional career.  Karl Owenberg, President of the New Romford Railers, came to his player’s defense.  “I know Jay,” he said, “and this isn’t something he’d do.  Ever.  I know him better than most people even in this organization.  I was there in Texas when he was playing college ball, I was there in Tampa Bay when he broke into the league, and I’ve been there ever since he signed with us.  He’s a good kid.”

    By contrast, many commentators haven’t been so positive about the situation.  “McMillan’s good, but not that good,” said ESPN talking head and bridge troll, Skip Bayless.  “So of course, he’d use superpowers to get an edge because he’s a little punk who doesn’t deserve to be in the limelight like me, Skip Bayless.”

    “By the way, why aren’t they releasing LeBron James’s name from that list yet?”

    There has been no word as to if and when the other names will be released, but if the evidence gathered from Pinnacle is as solid as reported, then those names should become public very soon.

  • ‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

    ‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

    PinnacleHealthweb

    By Dash Hamley

    According to sources within the DEA, there are “at least” 30 professional athletes, from the MLB, NFL, and NBA, on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic in White Valley.  The sources could not name any names yet, but five names are “major athletes” with huge contracts and endorsement deals.  Needless to say, the sports world has been rocked to its core.

    “If this is true,” said sports commentator and hateful troll, Skip Bayless, “then I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  Steroids and HGH are one thing, but superpowers are on a level all their own.  I’ll bet my salary that LeBron James is on that list.  He just has to be.”

    Other sports commentators were less dramatic and accusatory based on almost no information.  “This could very well be the biggest scandal of all time,” said Joe Buck.  “We’ve always known that athletes will do whatever they can to get an edge, and PEDs are no exception.  So of course, some people would try out superpowers.  And hey, at least it’ll give us all something to talk about during games.”

    Speculation on who could be on the client has run rampant throughout all the sports leagues.  The MLB and NFL are already mounting investigations, and the NBA has reportedly started hiring new investigators of their own.  Players and coaches around the country are not talking about it, but it’s clear everyone’s nervous.  “First Balco, then Biogenesis, now this,” said a baseball player who asked to remain anonymous, “it’s just sad and infuriating.  Babe Ruth never had superpowers.  At most people thought he had magic powers, but that’s nonsense.  Hank Aaron never had superpowers.  Now, who knows what people could have?”

    “It ruins the spirit of the game to suddenly have the proportional strength on an ant or whatever.”