The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Railers

  • MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis.

    “Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can give players an unfair advantage in a multitude of ways.”

    “What we’ve encountered with Jay McMillan is unprecedented,” the statement continued.  “This is the first player who has taken drugs to suppress his God-given abilities to play baseball.  He went out of his way to make sure he was on a level playing field even though he has great strength and speed.  As long as Jay continues to take marostorzin with a proper prescription, he will be allowed to play baseball.”

    The statement also reported that MLB couldn’t find any evidence that McMillan had let his superstrength and speed come out during his playing career.  But they will be testing him on a “regular basis” to determine if he’s gone off of marostorzin at any time, and if he does, he will be banned from baseball for life.

    While the MLBPA strongly disagrees with the possibility of a permanent ban for a first-time offense, they recognize that superpowers are a new territory for them.  “We understand that Jay can lift cars and jump across wide chasms,” their statement said, “but we urge the commissioner to reconsider a lifetime ban for a first offense, even for one that hasn’t happened yet.  That said, we’re pleased Jay will be able to play baseball again.”

    McMillan reportedly obtained marostorzin from Pinnacle Health in order to keep his superpowers a secret, but now in the open, he has found a legitimate doctor and private practice who will supply him with his “medication”.  Assuming he passes a physical administered by MLB, he will be allowed to play as soon as next week.

  • Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

    Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers.

    McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed.  While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds.  By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9 superstrength and level 8 superspeed.

    The second half of McMillan’s story appears to be true as well.  The DEA found that he took marostorzin, a mild superpower inhibitor that is used primarily by physicians for medical purposes.  How Pinnacle Health was able to obtain this, given that marostozin is a regulated prescription drug not commonly found at clinics, was not disclosed in the DEA’s report.  It would seem Pinnacle Health may have another legal issue to add to their pile, and McMillan may be at fault, too, but the DEA only said the matter “was still part of an ongoing investigation.”

    Exonerated, McMillan is grateful.  “I’m happy that my true story is finally out,” he said in a statement.  “I know this is hard to believe, but I only did this because I love baseball.  We’re so worried about players having an unfair advantage, and rightfully so with all the PEDs in the game.  But I want everyone to know that I did this to preserve the game’s integrity, and I hope to return to the field soon.”

    While out of serious legal trouble, McMillan’s status with MLB is still unclear.  All professional sports have a ban on superpowers.  If McMillan’s story is true, then he’s been taking marostorzin for his entire playing career, but some in baseball don’t believe that.

    “It’s hard to say,” said ESPN columnist Buster Olney.  “We have to assume that he kept on the drug for the past six, seven years.  What about those weeks or months that he struggled in the minors?  What about those months when he was on fire?  Are we supposed to assume that he didn’t miss a few dosages here and there to get an unfair advantage?”

    “I really want to see what he’s like at full power,” said ESPN columnist Tim Kurkjian.  “I’d love to see him crush a ball a mile.  If nothing else, I want to see him hit a ball to center field and then run really fast there to catch it.  That’d be something!”

    Spectacular displays aside, MLB hasn’t issued a ruling on McMillan’s case.  They’re reportedly discussing the issue, and McMillan has voluntarily suspended himself for the time being.  The New Romford Railers, on the other hand, have expressed support for their All-Star.  “We don’t care if Jay has six arms, three eyes, or secret wings,” they said in a statement, “he’s a Railer, and we want him on our team.”

  • Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs.

    McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business, and Jay has no connection to this place.”  Since it’s the offseason, McMillan is at his home in Texas.

    Two years ago, the Railers signed McMillan to a seven-year, $156 million contract, and he’s been an elite player ever since he entered the majors in 2008.  He also has several endorsement deals, including Nike, Pepsi, Gatorade, Dick’s, and Gillette.  Forbes estimated that he made $56 million last year alone.

    If convicted, McMillan not only would be banned from Major League Baseball, but he’d surely go to prison for at least 20 years, effectively ending his professional career.  Karl Owenberg, President of the New Romford Railers, came to his player’s defense.  “I know Jay,” he said, “and this isn’t something he’d do.  Ever.  I know him better than most people even in this organization.  I was there in Texas when he was playing college ball, I was there in Tampa Bay when he broke into the league, and I’ve been there ever since he signed with us.  He’s a good kid.”

    By contrast, many commentators haven’t been so positive about the situation.  “McMillan’s good, but not that good,” said ESPN talking head and bridge troll, Skip Bayless.  “So of course, he’d use superpowers to get an edge because he’s a little punk who doesn’t deserve to be in the limelight like me, Skip Bayless.”

    “By the way, why aren’t they releasing LeBron James’s name from that list yet?”

    There has been no word as to if and when the other names will be released, but if the evidence gathered from Pinnacle is as solid as reported, then those names should become public very soon.