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Speedster Zips Through Downtown, Leaves Wave of Destruction

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By Chase Chapley

SpeedsterOn her way out of New Romford this morning, Speedster left her usual wave of destruction down 21st Street as cars slammed into each other trying to avoid her quick movements.

On First Avenue, Jonathan Hu veered off the side of the road into a light post.  “She just came out of nowhere,” he said.  “She was running so fast that all I could do was swerve, but I hit the damn post because of her.”  Hu was at least thankful he didn’t hurt anyone.

On Second Avenue, Michael Watt hit the rear bumper of the truck in front of him as Speedster zipped right past him.  “I was drinking my coffee,” he said, “when she just flew by.  Must’ve been going 200 miles an hour.  I spilled my coffee in my lap when she flew by, and I got distracted and just hit the truck in front of me.”

On Third Avenue, Ida Noh had a similar story.  She was riding her bicycle when Speedster ran by.  “She was just so fast,” she said.  “I was crossing the street, and there was a car starting to turn, waiting for me, and then there she was.  She ran by and one car rear-ended another and bumped the car into me.  Then, I look down the street and everyone’s getting into accidents.”  Noh says she only experienced minor scraps, but she just can’t understand why Speedster won’t slow down.  “I mean, we got speed limits on the roads for a reason.  Why can’t she follow them?

“I thought she was a hero.”

Speedster turned onto Seventh Avenue at the YMCA, causing several more minor car accidents, before merging onto Eighth Avenue, causing Bea Caws to slam into a fire hydrant.  “I hate superheroes!” she said.  “Just get out of the damn city already and leave us alone.  This is the fifth accident I’ve had this month all thanks to so-called superheroes!”

Tom Morrow and Todd Hay were sitting at the Shortstop Café to get a front row seat at the spectacle.  “We came down here for a light lunch like we always do,” Morrow said, “because there’s usually something exciting happening downtown.  And Speedster is just so much fun to watch, too!  I know people get into accidents, and that’s not fun for them, but as a spectator, we just love it!”

Their waiter, who didn’t provide his name, was asked about the accidents and said, “I don’t care.”