The New Romford Free Press

Tag: asteroid

  • Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    spacenews

    PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked much of the planet, stole as many valuables as they could find, which turned out to be rocks and blankets, and consumed all of their drugs.  And they punched the inhabitants for fun.  When they became bored with the punching, they left on their own accord.  The inhabitants have asked for food, medicine, and any recreational drugs neighboring planets can spare.

    URT  – The planet Urt has finally decided on when to hold their election for Leader of the Planet.  The 18 candidates have been campaigning for the past 36 Earth years, and frankly, everyone is exhausted.  Elections for Leader of the Planet usually happen on a regular interval, once every 4 Urt years (6 Earth years).  But somehow Urt stopped revolving around its sun, so the Urt year never advanced.  How the planet got stuck is unknown.  The scientists’ best guess in an anomaly in the fabric of spacetime, and they’re still trying to get it moving again.  While the seasons have all but stopped, Urt has found ways to survive, but they still don’t know whether or not to advance their calendars, which has led to the 36 year campaign season.  Finally, after much bureaucratic debate, the government has determined a date to hold the election (50 Urt days from now).  As expected, the primary campaign issue has been getting the planet moving again.

    MARPIE – Marpie, the planetoid that was birthed by Marp, had its first volcanic eruption last week, and it was just the cutest volcanic eruption in the galaxy, according to witnesses.

    CARRIAN RESORT PLANETOIDS – The construction project of customized, luxury planetoids known as the Carrian Resorts suffered a setback recently when two asteroids exploded apart when they were being fused together.  The two asteroids apparently had pockets of water and methane that the construction crews of Omin Ookeil Harpin Nlokmo Ordingists (OOHNO) had not detected, and when they attempted to fuse them together, they created a massive explosion.  Rocks flew everywhere, destroying several planetoids in construction and damaging several more in a violent chain reaction.  No one was seriously harmed in the accident, according to the OOHNO, but now asteroids are flying all over the galaxy.  OOHNO lawyers said that they would not be liable for damages as the accident occurred in intergalactic space, and thus are not subject to planetary laws.

  • Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

    Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

    Laikaweb
    Laika, surrounded by scientists and superhero, Ural

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant space dog that emerged from the Russian asteroid earlier this week turns out to be the space dog, Laika, who was shot into space on the Sputnik 2 in 1957.

    After several DNA tests were conducted that showed the giant space dog had Earth dog DNA, someone in the secret Russian testing facility remarked that the dog looked like Laika.  The photos of Laika from 1957 did look like the giant space dog, but they were not convinced.  After all, she had died within hours of her ill-fated launch.  Cosmic rays have been known to mutate human and animal DNA in the past, but without a DNA sample from 1957, which they didn’t have, they wouldn’t have a way to conclusively determine the giant space dog’s identity.

    Luckily, they had one lead, tucked away in the back of a binder of the Sputnik 2 flight records.  Dr. Vladimir Yazdovsky, one of the Sputnik 2 scientists, had taken Laika home with him to play with his children before the launch.  Yazdovsky has long since passed away, but his children are still alive.  They were brought in to see the giant space dog, and the giant space dog recognized them immediately.  She ran up to them and slobbered all over them (one required medical assistance afterwards), but it was confirmed.  The giant space dog is Laika.

    How she survived all this time is still not known.  It was long thought that she died soon after launching into space, but seeing as the Russians didn’t disclose that fact until 2002, it’s apparent that they kept part of her flight a secret.  What the Russian government will do with her is not known, but rumor has it President Putin wants to ride him like giant horse.

  • Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

    Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The creature inside the Russian asteroid has emerged, and it appeared to be a giant dog from outer space.  Despite having been confined to a small rock for so long, the 100-foot space dog was in good spirits.

    It began to run around the containment area, barking and jumping.  The ground shook with every bounce, and it took all of Ural’s strength to make the space dog sit.  Somehow, it understood Ural’s verbal command, surprising everyone.  “If it is from outer space,” said a scientist who has been monitoring the asteroid since it landed, “how would it understand Russian?  Is it originally from Earth, or is it a psychic shape-shifting monster, preying on our species’ close relationship to the dog to lure us into a false sense of security so that it may one day infect our brains and take control of our minds to rule the Earth as its wretched slaves?”

    “Or maybe it’s a lonely psychic shape-shifting monster and just wants to play fetch and such?”

    After several minutes of scratching its giant belly, Ural uprooted a tree and threw it several miles away, and the giant space dog dutifully retrieved it.  Then it licked Ural’s face, and its saliva created a pond.

    Eventually, Ural and the Russian scientists decided to move it to a less populated area for further study.  “After all,” said the scientist, “if it is a psychic shape-shifting monster, we should at least see if it’s radioactive or evil.  Maybe its saliva does the mind control part.  Maybe.”

  • Asteroid Starts to Crack

    Asteroid Starts to Crack

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant asteroid outside of Moscow, now several thousand feet wide, is starting to crack.  A mysterious yellow light is glowing from the cracks, and an audible groaning sound is coming from the creature inside the rock.

    Russian officials have set up a perimeter several miles away from the asteroid, and superhero Ural has been on guard all day.  No one is speaking to the press largely because no one knows what’s going to happen.  Space monsters have visited Earth, usually hitting Japan for some reason, and they tend to come equipped with poisoned claws, toxic breath, or “fleas” the size of humans.  President Putin is said to be monitoring the situation very closely in case he may need to intervene, personally.

    For the past few days, residents have reported a stark increase in headaches, nightmares, and visions, supposedly psychic residue from the creature.  One man said that he saw the inside of a space ship and what looked to be the moon.  Another man reported seeing Saturn but with the distinct impression that he was passing the ringed planet not towards Earth but away from it.  One woman kept wanting to “get my tail”.

    The asteroid’s “hatching” seems to be imminent and probably destructive.  No evacuation order has been given, but that’s not stopping some residents.  “I can’t take the nightmares anymore,” said one man who wished to remain nameless.  “I dream about cosmic rays and pain every night.  Then darkness and nothing.  Endless nothing.  I don’t want to be anywhere near that thing.”

  • Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

    Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – Russian officials have confirmed suspicions:  there is a lifeform inside the giant glowing asteroid.

    The asteroid has been cordoned off from the public since its arrival outside of Moscow, glowing and growing.  Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have monitored it since, but as it has continued to grow (now over 1,000 feet in diameter), an image of a lifeform can be seen inside it.  Amateur photos have been circulating the internet for the past few days, and the Kremlin could no longer keep it under wraps.

    “Yes, there appears to be something gestating inside,” said spokesperson Piotr Markov.  “We do not know what it is or whether it is dangerous.  We have work to do.”

    No indication has been given as to what sort of creature is inside, but security has been heightened due to the leaks.  The reports of strange outer space dreams have decreased amongst the locals, but rumors have surfaced that many of the scientists studying the asteroid haven’t been sleeping well.

    “Please,” Markov said, visibly frustrated by the questions, “we have been working very hard to keep everyone safe.  So yes, we are tired.  But to speak of outer space dreams of alien worlds and cosmic energies is ridiculous.”

  • Asteroid Glows and Grows

    Asteroid Glows and Grows

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The asteroid that landed outside of Moscow is still glowing, and now it’s growing.

    Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have kept watch of the asteroid since yesterday.  They were measuring a constant heat signature emanating from within the rock when they noticed that it was getting bigger.  The scientists have not been allowed to comment, but Ural said, “It has grown nearly 200 meters overnight.  A remarkable, and unsettling, growth has occurred.”

    Authorities have been spending the majority of their time keeping the curious away from the scene, which is difficult to do considering the size of the asteroid.  Crowds have gathered on hilltops with telescopes to see the rock for themselves.  The glow was even enough to light up the night sky.  Some residents reported strange dreams of outer space, saying they’ve seen star systems not visible from Earth.

    Scientists have been unable to determine the source of the heat signature or the growth or whether they have any relation to the dreams.  So far, they’ve only ruled out nuclear radiation as a possible cause, but they are proceeding with caution in case other types of radiation are involved.

  • Giant Glowing Asteroid Lands Safely In Russia

    Giant Glowing Asteroid Lands Safely In Russia

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – A giant asteroid landed safely 30 miles outside of Moscow today thanks to the efforts of Russian superhero, Ural.

    The asteroid, estimated at least a mile in diameter, was headed towards the heart of Russia today.  Ural flew into space to try and divert the rock but was unable to do so.  He was able to slow the rock’s speed enough to land it safely on the ground with a minimal crater.  Russian authorities rushed to the scene as the asteroid’s outer shell began to crack.  And then it glowed.

    “I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Ural.  “Asteroids don’t glow like this.  At first I thought it was just the heat from flying through the atmosphere, but it’s been an hour.  The rock is cooled.  This cannot be good.”

    Russian authorities cleared the area as best as possible while Ural and a team of scientists monitored the asteroid.  One scientist expected a long night.