The New Romford Free Press

Tag: barbarian

  • BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

    BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

    barbarian castle

    By Chase Chapley

    After tangling with barbarians at the Seaside Castle, Titana and Positron destroyed a barbarian orb by throwing it into the sun, returning the city and citizens back to normal (again).

    Hundreds of people magically turned back into barbarians tonight after prolonged exposure to various barbarian artifacts left over from Vrog’s brief reign over New Romford.  They became violent and began to loot and pillage as they headed to the Seaside Castle.  The area around the Seaside Castle began to turn into various barbarian buildings, barracks, and homes, and when the NRPD tried to stop them, they turned into barbarians.

    A team of five or six Peace Force members joined the battle, and they too turned into barbarians, except for Titana and Positron.  Titana possess magical resistance thanks to her armor and natural Amazonian physiology, and Positron could not be turned into a barbarian since he’s an android.  The other Peace Force members could not be confirmed in the battle, and the Peace Force would not specify who was there.

    Titana and Positron proved to be more than enough against the increasing barbarian army.  The battle became difficult when their teammates were thrown into the mix, but they were no match for Titana.  Positron found the source of the magical energy in the Seaside Castle, buried under ten feet of stone.  They fought their way to the stone and broke it free.

    Realizing that breaking it into pieces on Earth would only start this whole ordeal over again, Positron proposed a better idea:  throw it into the sun.  So he did, and everyone turned back to normal.

    The Seaside Castle crumbled to the ground, and every barbarian magically turned back into who they were before the battle.  Every barbarian artifact also magically disappeared, and no one knows where they went, which is distressing.  ATOM Labs said they were going to monitor this much more closely this time.

    For now, the city is back to normal.  Again.  For now.

  • BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

    BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

    barbarian castle

    By Chase Chapley

    The NRPD and Peace Force are reporting that people who have come into prolonged contact with the Seaside Castle or any barbarian objects have turned back into barbarians.  They are congregating at the Seaside Castle right now, and even though this is Halloween weekend, this is not a prank.

    Ever since Vrog was defeated some time ago, various barbarian artifacts have been found across the city, primarily in Dukes.  The Seaside Castle was the most obvious artifact and has since been turned into a tourist attraction.  An investigation showed that it contained no magical residue, so it was allowed to remain where it was and to let civilians near it.

    Apparently, the investigation should’ve been a bit more thorough.

    “I was getting my kids ready to go trick-or-treating,” said Monae Stevenson, “and I look out my window, and there’s a whole bunch of people holding swords and spears and clubs walking by.  And they’re wearing, like, animal skins.  I thought they were a weird flash mob or something, but then they started smashing cars, and I was all, uh uh, we’re staying home tonight.”

    There are multiple reports of similar people marching through the streets of Dukes, smashing cars and menacing people.  The NRPD has tried to stop them, but apparently, once the new barbarians touched them, they also turned into barbarians.  These reports have been unconfirmed by the NRPD, but several videos have emerged online showing some change happening upon contact.

    ATOM Labs has confirmed magical readings similar to Vrog’s in the vicinity of the Seaside Castle, and the Peace Force has sent several heroes to handle the situation.

    As of the writing of this article, it has been reported that the buildings adjacent to the Seaside Castle have begun to turn into barbarian structures as more people gather there.  It also appears looting has begun around here, too.  The NRPD and Peace Force has instructed anyone not turned into a barbarian to avoid the coastal areas of Dukes for the foreseeable future.

    More to come soon.

  • More Barbarian Artifacts Appear in Dukes

    More Barbarian Artifacts Appear in Dukes

    barbarian castle

    By Packie Williams

    The Seaside Castle wasn’t the only thing left over from Vrog’s brief barbarian empire.  Residents in Dukes are now finding barbarian artifacts in parks, alleys, and even their basements.

    “I was just doing some cleaning in my basement when I came across a bow and arrow,” said Shantae Williams.  “It was behind some boxes, and I’ve never taken up archery, let alone held a bow and arrow.  For a minute, I thought maybe one of my kids left it here, but they didn’t know nothing about it, and it’s real old looking, too.  Like, ancient looking.”

    “I was walking my dog through Lincoln Park,” said Keith Ho, “and my dog ran off after something.  I thought he was going after a squirrel again, but he runs back with something in his mouth.  It was a scabbard.  An old one made of leather.  I’d never seen anything like it before.”

    “I was talking out the trash to the alley,” said Joey Fontina, “and up on the fire escape, there was a helmet.  It wasn’t a bike helmet or football helmet, but like a really cool Viking helmet.  So of course, I got it down and put it on.  If you saw a sweet looking helmet, you telling me you wouldn’t put it on immediately and never take it off?  Of course you would.  I can take it off anytime I want, but why would I?  This is friggin’ awesome!”

    Authorities have heard at least a dozen more instances of barbarian artifacts, and they all carry the same magical signature as the Seaside Castle.  They assumed these were props that somehow got misplaced, but that could not be confirmed.  It’s also possible that these artifacts were left behind from Vrog’s brief barbarian empire, like the castle.

    The authorities have asked for the items to be turned over to them for study, but some have refused.  Fontina has fought everyone who tried to take his helmet and won, despite having a bad knee and no fighting experience.  Others who have given up their items have found a new hobby.  Ho has taken up fencing, and Williams has enrolled in archery lessons and has purchased four bows.

    “I don’t know what it was about finding that bow and arrow in my basement,” she said.  “But it’s like it opened up something in me, something deep down.  And primal.”

  • Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

    Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

    barbarian castle

    By Chase Chapley

    The barbarian castle in Dukes has remained in place despite Vrog’s magic no longer holding it in place.  How it remains is unknown, but the owner of the land it sits on is making the most of it.

    “It’s added a whole new dimension to the block,” said Karl Oppenheim, owner of the Seaside Shopping Centre.  “At first, I was devastated by having a castle in my shopping center, but after thinking about it for a bit, I realized this was an opportunity in the making.”

    Oppenheim has turned the castle into the Seaside Castle, a theme restaurant and party venue.  Employees are dressed in barbarian garb, and patrons are encouraged to dress up as barbarians themselves.  The courtyard has a souvenir shop and mock barbarian battles, and every Wednesday night, the Seaside Castle turns into an immersive experience.

    “Wednesday nights are so much fun,” said Oppenheim.  “People come in dressed as barbarians or we dress them up ourselves, and then we have a huge role-playing experience.  We’ll have mock battles with foam clubs, sometimes we’ll dress up as knights and do a joust, and sometimes we’ll mix up the genres and do a zombie escape run.  Basically, we take advantage of having a castle and have fun.”

    Oppenheim and ATOM Labs assured the public that Vrog’s magic no longer has any substantial effects in and around the castle, though some employees have reported feeling more aggressive than normal.  ATOM Labs said that some “residual magic is to be expected,” but that the effects are “not longterm.”  For his part, Oppenheim isn’t concerned.

    “I’ve been here the most out of anyone,” he said.  “And I feel fine.  Why?  What have you heard?  Who are you talking to?  I want names.”

    Perhaps not coincidentally, a pot dealer set up shop one block down offering a discount on their Barbarian Brownie for anyone who brings in a receipt from the Seaside Castle.

  • Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

    Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Hello, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Bobby from way out in Carterson.

    How does magic work?  We all turned to barbarians.  I don’t know what that means, but my dad said it’s like Lord of the Rings, and I don’t really know what that is ether [sic].  What is Lord of the Rings?

    Well, Bobby, you got two questions in at once!  Normally, I don’t allow it, but I think I can help you out here anyway.  I’ll answer your second question first.  The Lord of the Rings is a series of books written by J.R.R. Tolkien, and they were later turned into movies by Peter Jackson.  It’s a fantasy adventure about hobbits, elves, and wizards, and it’s a total hoot!  Ask your dad to let you in on the fun sometime!

    Now, how does magic work?  The simple answer is no one really knows.  That is if you only ask scientists who certainly acknowledge its existence but don’t agree that it’s really magical.  Most scientists agree that “magicians” are tapping into some unknown radiation or alternate dimensions.  They theorize that these unknown things have their own scientific properties that affect our own world in unique ways.  We just don’t understand how it works yet, so we call it “magic.”  British science fiction author, Arthur C. Clarke, is famous for saying, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” and many scientists take this stance.

    That’s just a roundabout way of saying, “I don’t know.”  All the incantations, weird symbols, fancy clothes, and jazz hands mean diddly-squat to me!  My personal feeling is to not bother worrying about magic because I’m not a wizard and there’s no way for me to stop whatever weird magic from happening.

    But to give magicians, wizards, and witches their due, I reached out to some friendly magic-casters for their input.  Unfortunately, none of them were willing to talk on record about how they do the voodoo that they do.  The best I got was from a witch in Cleveland, who only goes by “Claire”.

    “Basically, it’s like tapping into mystical forces or something,” she said.  “Specific hand gestures and symbols work best, though having a magical object helps us to focus.  And that’s about as much as I can tell you because, to be fully honest, even I don’t completely understand what’s going on here.  Half the time my spells have the exact opposite effect or summon a bear for some reason.  And that’s on a good day.”

    So in other words, your guess is as good as mine, Bobby!

  • Apparently We All Turned Into Barbarians Last Night

    Apparently We All Turned Into Barbarians Last Night

    barbarian castle

    By Packie Williams

    In another strange-yet-normal-for-New-Romford tale, the entire city and metropolitan area of New Romford magically turned into a barbarian kingdom, and we turned into barbarian warriors and servants.

    Don’t remember it?  That’s because the magic that turned us into barbarians also erased all memory of it from our minds and from the landscape.  But a barbarian castle now exists on the coastline in Dukes, and scientists detect high amounts of magic radiation from it.

    “The rocks used to build it are ancient,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Julie Redbird.  “They’re not like any rocks in the area, and they’ve clearly been weathered down.  The magic radiation is faint, and this clearly wasn’t here yesterday morning.  It looks like it was dropped down onto the parking garage beneath it, so I hope no one was under there.”

    Crews are still excavating the ground around and underneath the barbarian castle, which stands 100 feet tall.  Initial life scans came back negative for the area, but records show that at least 30 cars were parked there last night.  The local businesses, who haven’t had any barbarian structures drop onto their properties, are naturally worried about the lack of parking spaces.

    “This area has always been had terrible parking,” said Seaside Shopping Centre  owner, Karl Oppenheim.  “The parking lot was new and helped out quite a bit, so I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

    How the barbarian castle got there is still to be determined, but the magic radiation emanating from the castle matches the signature of Vrog, a known dark sorcerer from the stone age.  Preliminary tests have shown the same faint magic signature all over New Romford, on people, buildings, and animals.  The gashes and cuts on the stones of the castle suggest a battle took place last night, probably for the fate of the world.  The Peace Force is investigating what happened but seem to be at a loss themselves.

    “The findings from ATOM Labs and scientists across the New Romford area,” read a Peace Force statement, “certainly suggest Vrog turned us all into barbarians for some unknown, yet likely nefarious, purpose.  None of our members have any recollection of last night, if it did happen in just one night as you never know with magic, but our own magic users agree that something happened.  Currently, we don’t know where Vrog is, but we will continue our search for him.”

    Unlike the Dino-Day Disaster of several months ago, this latest city-wide change incident has left minimal scars on New Romford.  Reports from around the city show ancient rocks have suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

    More information to come on this story.