The New Romford Free Press

Tag: golf

  • ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

    ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it.

    The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined).  Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s have scored lucrative endorsement deals, and EA Sports is already working on a special DLC for all of their golf games to allow players to play the “Tiger v. Tiger” match.  ABC, ESPN, and The Golf Channel will broadcast the match with advertisement spots rivaling those of the Super Bowl, and Augusta National is selling tickets in the tens of thousands.

    All of this without a word from present-day Tiger Woods confirming that he will partake in this match.

    “This thing gets weirder by the hour,” said ESPN anchor, Scott Van Pelt.  “You’d think present Tiger would have released a statement by now if he was against it.  Yet he’s not stopping it, which begs the question, how much is he getting paid to play his younger self?”

    “And I can’t believe I just uttered those words just now.  Bonkers.”

    Rumors from people inside the present-day Woods camp is that he will be paid handsomely for this match.  They put the payment at $200 million “at least.”  Considering present-day Woods’s dwindling career, it’s not hard to imagine him taking the check even if the circumstances are strange.

    As for ’97 Woods, PGA representatives have reportedly kept him busy practicing at an undisclosed location.  They’ve kept him away from the news as best they could but have indulged him by letting him play with an iPad.  Sources said that while he’s confused by this experience, he’s “in good spirits.”

    Once again, no one is listening to the scientists.

    “Listen, I know that people from different time periods meet each other all the time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I know I’ve met at least a dozen of me.  But I’ve studied the time machine that brought the younger Woods to the present, and it’s a mess of a time machine.  Tachyons are all jumbled together, the chronometer is miscalibrated, and I can’t even tell what some of these particles its emitting right now, and I’m Dr. Amazing.  Putting these two anywhere near each other without a full analysis, which may take months, is playing Russian roulette with spacetime.”

    “I have a time machine in my lab, for pete’s sake.  I can send the younger Woods back home right now.”

     

    The PGA said they “understood Dr. Amazing’s concerns,” but also they “have everything under control.”

  • Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

    Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite warnings from scientists that a time anomaly might occur, the PGA has set a one-on-one golf match between the two Tiger Woods.

    The match is set for one week from today at Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters Tournament, the most prestigious major tournament in golf and site of Woods’s first major win in 1997.  Tickets have already been sold out to the match, and ABC has secured the broadcast rights.

    But the meeting doesn’t come without potential danger.  Scientists and the International Time Court have warned that it’s unsafe for the two Woods to meet since ’97 Woods came to the present through a makeshift time machine made with unknown parts.  Time machines need to be calibrated just correctly or else disaster.

    “Tachyons are the particles that govern an atom’s movement through time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “It’s pretty complicated and heady stuff, but the gist of it is that time machines work by manipulating tachyons to flow forward or backward in time.  You’re essentially pulling those tachyons out of place and then putting them back into place, hopefully correctly.  If you don’t, the atoms become unstable, and regarding people, if the same person from different timelines coexist close enough, that could cause both to cease to exist, and I mean in the past as well as the present.  It’ll be like they never existed.”

    The PGA said they have a team of scientists examining ’97 Woods and the time machine that brought him here for just such an occurrence, and they said they’re confident nothing will happen.  But just to be safe, they plan on keeping the two Woods separated by at least 100 feet at all times.

    “Well, that’s fine,” said Dr. Amazing, “but why is he allowed to stay in the present?  I get everyone wants to see this golf game, but even if nothing happens, he’s still seen the future.  He’s already seen that the World Trade Center is gone and smart phones and so on.  He’s already seen himself in the future.  What happens when we send him back to his own time?  That’s going to reset the timestream!”

    The International Time Court is also concerned, and they’ve requested that Clancy McCarver, a.k.a. The Disruptor, be handed over to their jurisdiction.  They are reportedly working on a solution to return Tiger Woods to 1997 right after he arrived in the present.

    The PGA would not comment on that matter.

  • PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

    PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – In a surprising move that will surely test numerous laws, the PGA has introduced Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present timeline.

    PGA CEO, Tim Finchem, introduced the younger Woods at a press conference in New York.  This Woods has just won the 1997 Masters Tournament, and he was somehow brought from the past to the present.  Finchem offered the briefest of explanations for this.

    “A third party,” he said, “who has already been turned over to the authorities, had used a time machine to bring this younger Tiger Woods to our present.  We can’t speculate as to their motives, and I’m sure the authorities will release that information in due time.”

    “But since he’s here, we thought it’d be fun to have the Tiger we all fell in love with play a few rounds of golf.  Who doesn’t want to see that?”

    The younger Woods looked bewildered throughout the entire press conference, which only lasted ten minutes.  Woods reiterated what Finchem had said about his time travel and said he didn’t know much about his future self.  “They’ve pretty much kept that a secret,” he said.  “That’s probably good.  You’re not supposed to know too much about the future.  By the way, what happened to the World Trade Center?  I noticed they were gone earlier.”

    After that question, Finchem ended the press conference and whisked the younger Woods away.  Later, he said that the younger Woods would be playing golf “very soon.”

    The present-day Woods didn’t return anyone’s calls as it’s understandable that he and his camp would be stunned by today’s events.   But that didn’t stop people from speculating.

    “Did the PGA just use a time machine to bring ’97 Tiger Woods to the present?” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt.  “Did they just kick the present Tiger Woods out of the tour to bring back classic Tiger?  This is what happened, right?  Am I having a fever dream?  This can’t be legal or ethical.  What the hell is even happening?”

    According to International Time Law, no, this is not legal.  Bringing a person from the past to the present is an offense punishable by 30 eons in a space between time and dimensions called Nowhere.

    The question now is whether this “third party” that Finchem alluded to acted alone or at Finchem’s request.  Either way, this looks bad for the PGA.

    “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in sports,” said Van Pelt.  “But damn it, we better see the two Woods play against each other.  I know it’s wrong, but who doesn’t want to see that?”

  • PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

    PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – The PGA celebrated the retirement of Tiger Woods this morning, despite the fact Tiger Woods hasn’t actually retired.

    “Tiger has been an integral player in PGA Tour history,” read a statement.  “Who could forget Tiger’s historic win at the Masters in 1997?  He’s generated so much excitement in golf, and we are sad to see him go.  We wish him well in his future endeavors.”

    This statement came from the PGA Tour website along with a video montage of Woods’s iconic moments on the tour.  It was accompanied by a narrator and interviews with golfers, though those interviews were recorded years ago.

    The problem is that Woods himself denies having retired.  “I haven’t retired,” he said.  “I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m not retiring.  I keep calling everyone I know at the PGA, and no one is answering my calls.  This is a joke, right?”

    Several media outlets are reporting the same thing.  No one at the PGA is answering their phone.  Some outlets have tried to enter the PGA offices in New York and in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, and the lights are off, and the parking lots are empty.

    “This is ridiculous,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, who regularly covers the PGA Tour.  “I’m calling everyone I know, and nothing.  I get nothing.  I’ve called Tiger, and he reiterates over and over again that he’s not retiring.  I know Tiger hasn’t won a tournament in years, but he’s still a marquee name.  You can’t just get rid of him.  Right?”

    Ever since that unforgettable Thanksgiving night in 2009, Woods has not been the same golfer he was for much of his professional career.  His health, mental and physical, has prevented him from playing for long stretches.  During this time, several other players have tried to fill the void left by Woods, but no one has yet, and PGA Tour ratings have plummeted.

    “Look,” said an exasperated Woods, “I know I haven’t been very good lately, but so what?  I’m working hard everyday to get better, and I can still compete at a high level.  They can’t just kick me out.”

    “This is a joke, right?  Is this a new, weird TV show that I don’t know about?  Why won’t anyone answer me?”