By Dash Hamley
NEW YORK – In a surprising move that will surely test numerous laws, the PGA has introduced Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present timeline.
PGA CEO, Tim Finchem, introduced the younger Woods at a press conference in New York. This Woods has just won the 1997 Masters Tournament, and he was somehow brought from the past to the present. Finchem offered the briefest of explanations for this.
“A third party,” he said, “who has already been turned over to the authorities, had used a time machine to bring this younger Tiger Woods to our present. We can’t speculate as to their motives, and I’m sure the authorities will release that information in due time.”
“But since he’s here, we thought it’d be fun to have the Tiger we all fell in love with play a few rounds of golf. Who doesn’t want to see that?”
The younger Woods looked bewildered throughout the entire press conference, which only lasted ten minutes. Woods reiterated what Finchem had said about his time travel and said he didn’t know much about his future self. “They’ve pretty much kept that a secret,” he said. “That’s probably good. You’re not supposed to know too much about the future. By the way, what happened to the World Trade Center? I noticed they were gone earlier.”
After that question, Finchem ended the press conference and whisked the younger Woods away. Later, he said that the younger Woods would be playing golf “very soon.”
The present-day Woods didn’t return anyone’s calls as it’s understandable that he and his camp would be stunned by today’s events. But that didn’t stop people from speculating.
“Did the PGA just use a time machine to bring ’97 Tiger Woods to the present?” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt. “Did they just kick the present Tiger Woods out of the tour to bring back classic Tiger? This is what happened, right? Am I having a fever dream? This can’t be legal or ethical. What the hell is even happening?”
According to International Time Law, no, this is not legal. Bringing a person from the past to the present is an offense punishable by 30 eons in a space between time and dimensions called Nowhere.
The question now is whether this “third party” that Finchem alluded to acted alone or at Finchem’s request. Either way, this looks bad for the PGA.
“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in sports,” said Van Pelt. “But damn it, we better see the two Woods play against each other. I know it’s wrong, but who doesn’t want to see that?”