The New Romford Free Press

Tag: magic

  • Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    sacrementokings
    An artist’s rendering of what we think is the Sacramento Kings logo. We’re honestly not sure.

    By Dash Hamley

    SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago.  The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA.

    “I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland.  “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one year against the Lakers and something with Shaq, but the rest is all fuzzy.”

    “Mitch Richmond?  Was that one of their players?”

    How an NBA franchise that somehow dates back to 1923 in Rochester, New York, could ever be forgotten, even by the league around it, could not be explained by the researchers.  “It’s impossible to explain,” said lead researcher, Gary Francis.  “Even other NBA players who regularly play against the Kings every year forget that they exist after they’re done playing against them.  Sometimes they forget even while playing against them.”

    Magic (not the team or the famous basketball player) was the most likely explanation for this strange forgetfulness, but the researchers called in several spellcasters to detect magic residue only to come up empty.  Then, they tried scanning players’ and reporters’ brains for any sign of memory tampering, again coming up empty.  They also checked for space-time anomalies, red-light shifts, fungal brain spores, and Sasquatch droppings, but all came back negative.

    “I have no clue how this happened,” said Francis.  “Maybe the Sacramento…Kings?  We’re talking about the Sacramento Kings, right?  That’s what’s on my notes here.  This forgetfulness must be happening to me as well.  Maybe it’s just something to do with the team.  They just haven’t left an impression on anyone in so long that people forgot they exist.”

    “I’m sorry, who were we talking about again?”

  • Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Nilremweb
    By Skip Daverman

    WICHITA – The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® captured the evil sorcerer Nilrem today outside of Wichita, Kansas, in a magic battle that temporarily decimated the Kansan landscape.

    Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin, was conjuring up his patented Odanrots for fun in the small town of Wellington, just south of Wichita.  Odanrots, of course, are reverse tornadoes.  Instead of sucking things into its vortex, Odanrots spew wind outwards.  How this actually happens is not known to science, naturally, as it’s magic.

    magicimowebWhy Nilrem was conjuring up Odanrots is also not known, but it’s probably because he’s “a madman” according to The Maginificent Magician, Magicimo®.  With all the houses and streets he spewed across the countryside, he was easy to find.  He engaged Nilrem with a few magic spells to constrain him, but Nilrem broke free and started using roads to whip The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.  The battle continued for nearly eight minutes, leaving Wellington and the Kansas countryside in ruins.  Nilrem was finally captured when his mouth and body were wrapped in metal clasps.  Then, with a few hand gestures and glowing eyes, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® returned everything back to normal.  The houses, streets, and farms were as good as new.

    “I simply reversed this maddening madman’s madness,” he said.  “It was not difficult.  After all, he is a third-rate, two-timing thug, and nothing like me, the Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.”

    After answering some more questions with alliteration, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® reversed the spell that turned the Twin Cities sentient and, surprisingly, the spell that turned the ivy in Wrigley Field sentient.  It was not known that Nilrem was the cause of that, but considering how similar it was to the Twin Cities, it makes sense now.  “Clearly, the madman who thought this up was not very imaginative,” he said.

  • The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® Puts Twin Cities to Sleep

    magicimoweb

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After several weeks of interminable bickering, the sentient mouths of the Twin Cities have finally been put to sleep by The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.

    Since the giant mouths started yelling at each other, scientists from all over the world have been lending their support in finding out what exactly made the Twin Cities sentient and rowdy.  No one could come up with an answer.  “It was clearly not the work of man,” said The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® in his typical boisterous stage voice, “but the work of a madman.  And I do not mean Jon Hamm.”

    While everyone understood what he meant, he went on to explain that he had been on another plane of existence for the past three months, and when he returned to hear of Minnesota’s plight, he “smelled the stink of dark, delirious, and demented dealings with the Devil.”  In other words, it was Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin.  “Do you not see?” he said.  “This is his handy work.  To sow disruption, discord, and disaster in the most insane, insidious, inane way known to madman.  Clearly it was him!”

    Thankfully, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® got to the Twin Cities just in time.  They had somehow developed hands, and Minneapolis was whipping the Mississippi River at St. Paul.  How it was able to grab hold of a river and use it as a whip is also not known, but it was probably magic.  St. Paul retaliated by throwing Pickerel Lake at Minneapolis.  Again, magic.

    The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® put a sleeping spell on both cities, and then gave a lengthy speech filled with alliteration to the authorities and press.  Once he left to search for Nilrem, the Twin Cities were eerily quiet for nearly ten minutes.  Everyone who attended his speech in Mankato remained silent, relishing the first real silence in weeks, but it was short lived.  It turned out that Minneapolis snores.

  • John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

    John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

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    By Dash Hamley

    MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California.

    A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the ground.  The coalition was led by Dante Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game.  “I have been waiting so long for this day,” he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers.  “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and his curse ended my dreams.  It was through many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the mystic might needed to fell this foe.”

    Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon, had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while coaching.  But today muddied up the statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.

    The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the cover.  “When EA started letting the fans vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four in each year.  Thankfully, the Green Bay fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”

    “We had to stop this monster.”

    While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the other coalition members helped in their own way.  Rodgers, who still plays football, threw green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint accuracy.  Young used his great speed from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas.  Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do battle with the evil warlock.  Madden’s incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!”  They traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by Culpepper.  Reportedly, his last words were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.

    With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be lifted.  “Or so we hope,” said Culpepper.  “He was a dastardly villain.  This Curse may still exist for some time after his death.  Surely, it will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”