By Dash Hamley
MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California.
A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the ground. The coalition was led by Dante Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game. “I have been waiting so long for this day,” he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers. “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and his curse ended my dreams. It was through many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the mystic might needed to fell this foe.”
Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon, had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while coaching. But today muddied up the statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.
The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the cover. “When EA started letting the fans vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four in each year. Thankfully, the Green Bay fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”
“We had to stop this monster.”
While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the other coalition members helped in their own way. Rodgers, who still plays football, threw green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint accuracy. Young used his great speed from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas. Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do battle with the evil warlock. Madden’s incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!” They traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by Culpepper. Reportedly, his last words were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.
With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be lifted. “Or so we hope,” said Culpepper. “He was a dastardly villain. This Curse may still exist for some time after his death. Surely, it will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”