The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.


Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

By Dash Hamley SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago.  The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA. “I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland.  “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one… Read More

Magicimo Captures Nilrem

By Skip Daverman WICHITA – The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® captured the evil sorcerer Nilrem today outside of Wichita, Kansas, in a magic battle that temporarily decimated the Kansan landscape. Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin, was conjuring up his patented Odanrots for fun in the small town of Wellington, just south of Wichita.  Odanrots, of course, are reverse tornadoes.  Instead of sucking things into its vortex, Odanrots spew wind outwards.  How… Read More

The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® Puts Twin Cities to Sleep

By Skip Daverman MINNEAPOLIS – After several weeks of interminable bickering, the sentient mouths of the Twin Cities have finally been put to sleep by The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®. Since the giant mouths started yelling at each other, scientists from all over the world have been lending their support in finding out what exactly made the Twin Cities sentient and rowdy.  No one could come up with an answer.  “It was clearly not the work… Read More

John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

By Dash Hamley MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California. A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the… Read More