The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Titana

  • Report: Female Superheroes Fight Crime Better in ‘Practical’ Costumes

    Report: Female Superheroes Fight Crime Better in ‘Practical’ Costumes

    By Falco Rockbert

    In a new report published by New Romford University, it was found that female superheroes who fight in “practical” costumes tend to fight crime better than those female superheroes who fight in more “traditional” costumes.

    Looking over the past 20 years, the research division at NRU analyzed multiple data points with regard to female superheroes.  They analyzed number of arrests, arrest rates, bystander injuries, property damage, injuries to superheroes, and average battle times for female superheroes depending on what costumes they wore.  Controlling for factors like raw power, their research found that “practical” costumes played a role in how superheroes fought crime.

    “Normally, we don’t think about superhero costumes,” said lead research Rachel McDonnough.  “It’s just something they wear, and sure, it’s tight fitting and a little revealing, so how much can that really affect crime fighting ability?  Turns out, quite a bit.”

    “For female superheroes,” she continued, “’practical’ costumes, defined as appropriate clothing for the person’s power set and fighting ability without unnecessary embellishments, not including aesthetic elements, shortened battle times by two minutes, lessened property damage and bystander injuries, and increased their arrest rates by 5%.  In short, practical costumes are better for fighting crime.”

    Examples of “practical” costumes include Titana’s costume, which has supportive straps for her bust, and Speedster’s tracksuit.  Both were cited as examples of designs that were appropriate for each hero’s power sets and fighting abilities.  An example of a “traditional” costume, ironically, is Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana.  Her costume doesn’t provide support for her bust, so her breasts tend to flop out of her clothing.  Several superheroes had similar design flaws in their costumes including Extra Woman and her “boob triangle”.

    One hero who saw an increase in her crime fighting ability due to a costume change was Major Magnificent.  She changed her costume from what was essentially a bathing suit and stockings to pants and a form-fitting, long-sleeved top three years ago.  Her arrest rate went up 12% and average battle time went down 2 and a half minutes.

    The reason for the increase seems to be confidence.  “These women,” said McDonnough, “used to dress skimpy and, sometimes, seductively as a rule.  For some of them, that actually made sense.  Farrah Fox is a superspy, so her sexuality comes into play, but that’s not the case for most female superheroes.  We found that when women dress for themselves, and not men, they have more confidence and thus fight better.”

    “Plus, they tend to have fewer wedgies and wardrobe malfunctions, so that helps, too.”

  • Another Future Muskrat With Dire Warnings Shows Up in Present

    By Packie Williams

    muskratweb
    File photo

    Ever since the invention of time travel in 1976, people have been using it to give dire warnings of future events to the past.  Today, another future version of the superhero Muskrat has shown up in Tompkins Square proclaiming doom and gloom for the future.  It’s the 12th future Muskrat to date.

    For some reason, Future Muskrat 12 had a braided beard flowing from under his mask and wore multiple necklaces and body armor.  He appeared in a blaze of light in the middle of Tompkins Square and got into a scuffle with the NRPD.  He fired laser guns at the officers and demanded to speak to his younger self.

    While Present Muskrat was en route from The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, Titana dropped in from the sky to have a word with the time traveler.  Apparently, this upset Future Muskrat 12.  He began firing his laser guns at Titana.  They fought for a couple minutes, throwing park benches and food carts at each other.  Present Muskrat jumped from his private jet along with a couple of his students and landed in between the battle.

    The Present and Future Muskrats had a conversation, though no word from the Peace Force or The Quinton School as to what was discussed.  After a minute of talking, Titana grabbed both of the Muskrats and flew them back into the jet while the students stayed behind to help clean up the mess.

    The Peace Force has a standard protocol they follow when a Future Visitor with Dire Warnings (a FVDW for short) comes to the present.  The FVDW is taken to the Peace Force Headquarters for evaluation and authentication, and then the FVDW has to fill out several forms about the dire warning.  The Peace Force is rumored to have a storage room dedicated to nothing but dire warnings.  Once the FVDW is authenticated as being a true time traveler, and their dire warning notarized, they are allowed to stay no more than three contiguous days in the present.  Then, they must head back to their present one way or another.

    The Peace Force is not required to disclose the contents of the dire warnings due to the sensitivity of the information, but the President and select world leaders are notified of each FVDW.

  • Speedster Helps with Recovery, Wrecks More Things than Repairs

    Speedster Helps with Recovery, Wrecks More Things than Repairs

    Speedster
    File photo

    By Buffy Bolivar

    While intending to be helpful as always, Speedster ended up making things worse today when she “helped” with the recovery after the Dino-Day Disaster.

    The majority of the Peace Force was working with the New Romford rescue crews to remove debris from fallen buildings and to find missing people, the typical superhero work.  Speedster was on hand as well today, and her super-speed began tearing up the Industrial and University Districts.  “I know she’s just trying to help,” said Sally Wynn, a resident of the University District, “but could she at least think through her actions first?  Just once, please.”

    Speedster saw a large pile of rubble blocking the intersection of Industry Road and 26th Street and used one of her patented “Speed Tornadoes” to move the rubble.  Unfortunately, she hasn’t perfected this patent yet.  She ran around the rubble at super speed, creating a vortex that carried the rubble into the air.  Then it shot out all over the neighborhood, crashing into buildings that had survived the dinosaurs on both sides of the Winston River.  Thankfully, no one was hurt, but she left the scene in a puff of dust.

    Someone at the Peace Force must’ve reprimanded her because she stopped using her “Speed Tornadoes”.  Instead, she helped out with the otherwise slow removal of debris from collapsed buildings, and for about an hour, Speedster was helping in a constructive way.  Then, she decided to speed things up, as she is wont to do, and wasn’t paying attention.  “We were working on buildings on Billings Street,” said Sal Hodgson, rescue worker, “and she piled up all that rubble at the end of the street.  She blocked us in.  We couldn’t get out.  We had about 20 people that needed to get to a hospital or safe zone, and we couldn’t get them out.  How dumb can you be?”

    After another half hour of making a path for the rescue workers, Speedster left to help somewhere else but caused a 14-vehicle pile-up on Romford Way before collapsing a parking garage on 4th Avenue and 59th Street.  She had removed the wrong piece of rubble that had been keeping the garage intact.  Luckily, she had removed everyone from the garage in the brief second before the collapse.

    By then, Titana and Adonis reportedly had a word with Speedster, and she ran off.  There were no more reports of speed-related destruction after then, much to everyone’s relief.

  • Peace Force, Army Rounding Up Dino Army

    Peace Force, Army Rounding Up Dino Army

    By Chase Chapley

    The Peace Force seems to be at full force now as they, and the U.S. Army, are rounding up the Dino Army.  As predicted, the battle is one-sided.  The Dino Army is simply no match for superheroes and long range weapons.

    My colleagues and I borrowed some clothes from a store (which we’ll reimburse them for) and followed the sound of tanks and smell of laser beams down 21st St.  A T-Rex went flying past us at 18th Ave.  It was unconscious when it finally hit the ground, and then we heard the familiar blows and grunts of Titana punching another T-Rex in its face and knew how the first dinosaur became airborne.

    People were reveling in Titana punching a T-Rex in the face.  They were cheering with every blow, and my colleagues were joining in on the chants of TI-TAN-A, TI-TAN-A.  Finally, things were returning to normal.

    Titana was joined by Crater and Qu8N-J in physically rounding members of the Dino Army in an invisible force field.  They tossed or levitated roughly a dozen of them into what I can only describe as an invisible sack.  Then they flew away to more cheers and applause.

  • ‘We Will Stop Her’

    ‘We Will Stop Her’

    By Chase Chapley

    The Peace Force has finally released a statement on the “Dino-Day” incident.  It reads as follows:

    The Peace Force, while affected by the Dinosaur Queen’s magic, is working on how to best stop her evil plot.  Many of our members have either grown too small or too large to use their powers effectively without causing more harm than good.  Our greatest minds are formulating a way to both stop the Dinosaur Queen and to safely reverse her magic.

    We have not faced this type of scheme before, so please remain calm.  We will stop her.  In the meantime, stay with your friends and family.  Work with your neighbors.  Most importantly, stay safe.

    Thank you.

    So far there has been no sighting of Adonis, Titana, or any other Peace Force member.  No word has come from any of the Amazings, whose tower was taken over by the Dinosaur Queen.  Without further knowledge, it’s impossible to say what types of dinosaurs they have transformed into, if at all.  It’s also impossible to say how growing “too small or too large” has affected their powers since many of their powers are based within relation to their human sizes.  If Adonis were 100 feet tall, how much stronger would he be, for instance?

    Until then, it’d be best to heed their advice.  Stay safe.

    More to come.

  • Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

    Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Doris:

    Dear Julia, what’s the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate dimension?  I keep hearing it on the news, but they don’t explain it very well, and nothing on the internet helps me.  Are they different from parallel universes?  Thank you kindly.

    Ah, that’s a tricky one, Doris.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t quite understand it all myself.  Dr. Amazing has a web-series that tries to explain all about the multiverse and the space-time continuum, but most of it flies over my head.  (It also doesn’t help that Dr. Amazing seems to only speak in eight-syllable words when discussing physics, but that’s another thing entirely.)

    But I do know enough that I think can help.  Basically, alternate timelines exist within our universe while alternate dimensions/parallel universes (which are the same thing more or less) are not our universe.  An alternate timeline is when some event in history went a different way which altered the course of our universe.

    For instance, Hellena was just in the news recently, and she’s an alternate timeline version of Titana.  In Hellena’s timeline, Napoleon had conquered all of Europe and drove the Amazons into Hades.  Then, she sacrificed herself to save her people and became possessed by demons (hence the horns, red skin, and impractical clothing).  One of Titana’s adventures brought her to this timeline, and somehow Hellena followed her to our timeline.  Hellena can’t return to her world unless our timeline is changed to resemble hers, which is another difference between the two.

    Alternate dimensions can exist completely on their own.  They run by themselves, and without a portal generator, we can’t change their universes.  Think of one as being about space and the other being about time.  It can get tricky sometimes, I know, since alternate dimensions can act almost exactly like alternate timelines, but it’s really about self-sustainability.  Apparently, there’s some variation between alternate dimensions and parallel universes, but then we’re delving into the deep, deep stuff.  I recommend reading some of Dr. Amazing’s books for further illumination.

    Happy trails, Doris!

  • NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

    NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

    By Packie Williams

    hellenamugshotwebThe NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjà vu that many people felt as well.

    Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

    The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

    No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.