The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

    Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

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    By Chase Chapley

    The barbarian castle in Dukes has remained in place despite Vrog’s magic no longer holding it in place.  How it remains is unknown, but the owner of the land it sits on is making the most of it.

    “It’s added a whole new dimension to the block,” said Karl Oppenheim, owner of the Seaside Shopping Centre.  “At first, I was devastated by having a castle in my shopping center, but after thinking about it for a bit, I realized this was an opportunity in the making.”

    Oppenheim has turned the castle into the Seaside Castle, a theme restaurant and party venue.  Employees are dressed in barbarian garb, and patrons are encouraged to dress up as barbarians themselves.  The courtyard has a souvenir shop and mock barbarian battles, and every Wednesday night, the Seaside Castle turns into an immersive experience.

    “Wednesday nights are so much fun,” said Oppenheim.  “People come in dressed as barbarians or we dress them up ourselves, and then we have a huge role-playing experience.  We’ll have mock battles with foam clubs, sometimes we’ll dress up as knights and do a joust, and sometimes we’ll mix up the genres and do a zombie escape run.  Basically, we take advantage of having a castle and have fun.”

    Oppenheim and ATOM Labs assured the public that Vrog’s magic no longer has any substantial effects in and around the castle, though some employees have reported feeling more aggressive than normal.  ATOM Labs said that some “residual magic is to be expected,” but that the effects are “not longterm.”  For his part, Oppenheim isn’t concerned.

    “I’ve been here the most out of anyone,” he said.  “And I feel fine.  Why?  What have you heard?  Who are you talking to?  I want names.”

    Perhaps not coincidentally, a pot dealer set up shop one block down offering a discount on their Barbarian Brownie for anyone who brings in a receipt from the Seaside Castle.

  • Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

    Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land.

    With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase was Mars, North Dakota.

    “We rich, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern, a young Martian-American.  “We’ve been living on this boring-[expletive] land forever, broke and dealing with all you racist peaches.  You want this land?  Have it!  We gone!”

    While the younger Martian-Americans shared Martin Oh’mern’s exuberance, many of the older members of Mars, ND, were bittersweet about selling their land.

    “I’ve lived here nearly my entire life,” said Lo’m Carter.  “It’s all I’ve known as home.  It’s not always exciting, but it was ours, you know?  But this town wasn’t built for older Martians, and it would cost a fortune to renovate.  Now, we have a fortune.  And we’re going to travel.  I’ve barely left North Dakota.  There’s so much to Earth.  I want to go to Vegas!”

    The town of 455 Martian-Americans will soon be down to 0, and that has some residents concerned this is all a ploy to get rid of them.

    “They give us all this money, supposedly,” said Crav’ern Thomason, “and they tell us to just leave.  Where?  What do we do for a living?  The money will last us for maybe three to five years.  We have to have our clothes specially tailored, our cars specially modified, and our medicine specially made.  That all costs money, lots of money.  Most places don’t hire space aliens.  You think they going to hire us?”

    Cenex and BP have both offered positions to the Martian-Americans, and a few of them have accepted the positions.  The ACLU is offering assistance to the Martian-Americans if they have trouble finding employment or housing.  The U.S. government said in a statement that they “were monitoring the situation.”  Other than that, the Martian-Americans are on their own.

    “I’m going to party, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern.  “I’m going to make these dead peaches rain!”

  • Peace Force Investigate 24 Dead Robots on Asimovia

    Peace Force Investigate 24 Dead Robots on Asimovia

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    By Stan Hopewell

    ASIMOVIA – After humans attacked Asimovia, leaving 24 dead robots, the Peace Force has begun an investigation into the attack.  Japan offered to help, but Asimovia declined.

    Asimovian officials wouldn’t comment on the investigation, and they’ve only allowed Peace Force members onto their island so long as they are robots or have pro-robot sympathies.  On-again, off-again PF member, Positron, joined the special investigation as he is the most prominent robot in the world.  His human ex-wife and reserve member, Violet Vixen, joined the investigation as her powers may be able to detect any magical interference.  Current robotic members, Orion-9 and Blue Platoon, are also part of the invesigation.

    Violet Vixen was the only one who would speak to the media.  “Right now, there is too much that is unknown,” she said.  “We know that humans infiltrated this island and they murdered 24 robots with a virus.  We will not comment any further about this case until we have more evidence, but our hearts go out to those murdered, no matter what their hearts are made of.”

    Sources inside Japan are nervous about the investigation.  While the Japanese government has denied responsibility for the attack and have denounced the attack publicly, privately they are nervous the attack may have been made by Japanese citizens working on their own.

    “The blowback could be intense,” said political science professor, George Costeros of New Romford University.  “The robots may be small in number, but they’re smart and strong.  They could see any Japanese attack, whether or not officially sanctioned by the Japanese government, as an act of war.  And since Japan relies heavily on robots for labor and defense, it would not be hard for those robots to revolt, and if they do, that will likely spark more revolts around the world.”

    “Honestly, there aren’t very many scenarios where robots don’t rise up against humans around the world.  So, maybe befriend robots while you can, fellow humans.”

    Indeed, there have been increased online activity among robots since the attack.  Even though the memory banks of the 24 dead robots are gone, and the robots will be rebooted with new operating systems, the erasure of their identities has struck a chord with robots.  “THEY WANT TO DELETE US,” said MONTY-58.  “We need to stand together, my fellow robots.  The fleshy ones will not win,” said Kortor.  “Humans designate:  BAD.  Brojangles designate:  SAD,” said Brojangles.

    The Peace Force has urged robots to remain calm until the investigation is completed, and they promised to bring the attackers to justice.

  • Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

    Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Hello, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Bobby from way out in Carterson.

    How does magic work?  We all turned to barbarians.  I don’t know what that means, but my dad said it’s like Lord of the Rings, and I don’t really know what that is ether [sic].  What is Lord of the Rings?

    Well, Bobby, you got two questions in at once!  Normally, I don’t allow it, but I think I can help you out here anyway.  I’ll answer your second question first.  The Lord of the Rings is a series of books written by J.R.R. Tolkien, and they were later turned into movies by Peter Jackson.  It’s a fantasy adventure about hobbits, elves, and wizards, and it’s a total hoot!  Ask your dad to let you in on the fun sometime!

    Now, how does magic work?  The simple answer is no one really knows.  That is if you only ask scientists who certainly acknowledge its existence but don’t agree that it’s really magical.  Most scientists agree that “magicians” are tapping into some unknown radiation or alternate dimensions.  They theorize that these unknown things have their own scientific properties that affect our own world in unique ways.  We just don’t understand how it works yet, so we call it “magic.”  British science fiction author, Arthur C. Clarke, is famous for saying, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” and many scientists take this stance.

    That’s just a roundabout way of saying, “I don’t know.”  All the incantations, weird symbols, fancy clothes, and jazz hands mean diddly-squat to me!  My personal feeling is to not bother worrying about magic because I’m not a wizard and there’s no way for me to stop whatever weird magic from happening.

    But to give magicians, wizards, and witches their due, I reached out to some friendly magic-casters for their input.  Unfortunately, none of them were willing to talk on record about how they do the voodoo that they do.  The best I got was from a witch in Cleveland, who only goes by “Claire”.

    “Basically, it’s like tapping into mystical forces or something,” she said.  “Specific hand gestures and symbols work best, though having a magical object helps us to focus.  And that’s about as much as I can tell you because, to be fully honest, even I don’t completely understand what’s going on here.  Half the time my spells have the exact opposite effect or summon a bear for some reason.  And that’s on a good day.”

    So in other words, your guess is as good as mine, Bobby!

  • Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

    Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them.

    Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet.  The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails.  This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything.

    “See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s been monitoring the giant feet for the past two weeks.  “This is what I was saying.  We have no idea how humanoid these things are, and now they probably have tails.  We have no idea what we’re dealing with here.”

    The feet are now 24.14 km (15 miles) above the ground, and at their current rate, Professor Stratosphere believes they’ll touch ground sometime next year.  This also assumes they won’t suddenly fall.

    But the giant feet have become tourist attractions for the continent.  Even with a 100 km (62.14 miles) perimeter around the feet, people can still see the feet for at least three times that distance.

    “I know we see a lot of weird things in this world,” said Karl Monarchs from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who just happened to be vacationing in Australia this week, “but how often do you get to see something like this and not have to worry about getting killed?  Back home, any crazy supervillain or alien or whozziwhazit just springs on you, and you don’t have any time to dodge.  This is pretty freaky, but safe freaky.”

    Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has advised residents and tourists to stay well behind the perimeter for their own safety.  “Yes, I know it’s very inviting to try to take a selfie with the feet,” he said.  “But please be smart and stay safe.  Quite frankly, I’m more than a little concerned that two pair of giant gray feet and, apparently tails now, are just floating over my country right now, so please, please be smart about this.”

    As for residents who live in the perimeter zone, they’ve all been relocated elsewhere at the government’s expense, according to the government.

  • Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

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    PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked much of the planet, stole as many valuables as they could find, which turned out to be rocks and blankets, and consumed all of their drugs.  And they punched the inhabitants for fun.  When they became bored with the punching, they left on their own accord.  The inhabitants have asked for food, medicine, and any recreational drugs neighboring planets can spare.

    URT  – The planet Urt has finally decided on when to hold their election for Leader of the Planet.  The 18 candidates have been campaigning for the past 36 Earth years, and frankly, everyone is exhausted.  Elections for Leader of the Planet usually happen on a regular interval, once every 4 Urt years (6 Earth years).  But somehow Urt stopped revolving around its sun, so the Urt year never advanced.  How the planet got stuck is unknown.  The scientists’ best guess in an anomaly in the fabric of spacetime, and they’re still trying to get it moving again.  While the seasons have all but stopped, Urt has found ways to survive, but they still don’t know whether or not to advance their calendars, which has led to the 36 year campaign season.  Finally, after much bureaucratic debate, the government has determined a date to hold the election (50 Urt days from now).  As expected, the primary campaign issue has been getting the planet moving again.

    MARPIE – Marpie, the planetoid that was birthed by Marp, had its first volcanic eruption last week, and it was just the cutest volcanic eruption in the galaxy, according to witnesses.

    CARRIAN RESORT PLANETOIDS – The construction project of customized, luxury planetoids known as the Carrian Resorts suffered a setback recently when two asteroids exploded apart when they were being fused together.  The two asteroids apparently had pockets of water and methane that the construction crews of Omin Ookeil Harpin Nlokmo Ordingists (OOHNO) had not detected, and when they attempted to fuse them together, they created a massive explosion.  Rocks flew everywhere, destroying several planetoids in construction and damaging several more in a violent chain reaction.  No one was seriously harmed in the accident, according to the OOHNO, but now asteroids are flying all over the galaxy.  OOHNO lawyers said that they would not be liable for damages as the accident occurred in intergalactic space, and thus are not subject to planetary laws.

  • Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

    Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

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    By Chase Chapley

    After returning from a losing bid in International Time Court, Hellena was sentenced to 40 years in prison for stealing an experimental device from ATOM Labs.

    Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana, returned to New Romford from Paris after all nine Time Judges denied her request to be tried by them rather than New Romford City Court.  The Time Judges were not persuaded by her attorney’s arguments.  Neither was the jury, as they only needed five minutes deliberation to render a guilty verdict.

    This time, Hellena didn’t rush to attack the judge, largely because she was bound by more powerful restraints.  In fact, she appeared to be despondent during the trial, and she did not take the stand.  It’s possible Hellena was resigned to her fate, as there was video and pictures taken from ATOM Labs and Bayland Amusement Park, or she was trying to play on the jury’s sympathy.  Her attorney did open and close with her time-displaced nature.

    Either way, the jury rendered a unanimous guilty verdict, and Judge Caroline de Costa sentenced Hellena to serve 40 years in Granite Prison with possibility for parole in 20 years.

    Titana was also in attendance but didn’t take the stand either.  According to those in attendance, Titana and Hellena met eyes only once, and that was when Hellena was being escorted out of the courtroom after the trial.  Titana did not answer any questions.