Author: Greg

  • Report:  Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    transylvania

    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago.

    The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to secede from Atlantis, and the robotic nation of Asimovia, which claimed an abandoned Japanese island as its home.  Feeling a kinship with both, several representatives from the Lupine Nation, including leader, Dinu Nicolescu, approached each nation with a coalition proposal.

    “Friends, let us work together for freedom,” said one Lupine email.  “We all seek self-determination from our oppressive governments.  Alone, we can only do so much.  Together, we can achieve so much more!”

    Both Pacifica and Asimovia denied the proposals several times.  Pacifica is currently dealing with a Laval attack possibly coordinated by Atlantis, and Asimovia was attacked by a human-made computer virus.  “Have you not read the news, dogs?” said one Pacifican text message.  “Go chew on a bone, mongrel.”  The Asimovians were even less subtle.  “QUERY ANSWER DESIGNATION:  NO MEATBAG.”

    Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu, has denied the report, despite the IP addresses being linked to Transylvanian locations.  “We have not made any sort of proposal,” he said in a statement.  “If they did come from Transylvania, then they were not authorized by me or the Lupine Nation.  Someone with nefarious intent did this to frame us.  We want independence, yes, but we have not asked for outside help in this manner.”

    The Transylvanian government, and in particular Prime Minister Dracula himself, has not responded to this report, though sources inside Parliament have noted that Dracula was drinking more blood than normal after reading the report.

  • Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

    Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

    By Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – The 20 glowing cocoons, or pods depending on your definition, that were fished out of the Hudson River hatched yesterday.  The beings who emerged were peaceful refugees from the planet Xaggar, or at least they were until the superheroes punched them.

    Dr. Kimiko Kashani of Columbia University had been monitoring the glowing pods in her laboratory, and yesterday, the beings inside emerged from what were actually organic escape pods.  They were green and red plant-like beings from the planet Xaggar, and they were fleeing from a devastating war.  “Everything was calm and peaceful when they emerged,” said Dr. Kashani.  “They had learned English through some form of auditory osmosis while in my lab, and they were all just so relieved to be safe.”

    “ And then General Murdoch’s superheroes burst in and began punching them.”

    General Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General of questionable legal standing, must have had someone on the inside, spying on the pods, because they attacked only 10 minutes after the Xaggarians emerged.  His special ops squad, the Black Force, this time consisted of two strongmen, a man with laser blasts, and a ninja.  They began to subdue the scientists and the Xaggarians, and it looked like the Black Force had everything under control.

    Then, the Xaggarians got mad and fused into one giant, 30-foot tall Xaggarian.

    The giant broke the arms of the man with laser blasts and threw one of the strongmen into the Atlantic.  The other strongman tried his best to fight the giant but was no match for the Xaggarian.  He was also thrown into the Atlantic.  The ninja, having no superpowers, disappeared without a fight.

    The giant Xaggarian was still enraged and turned towards the scientists.  Dr. Kashani tried to explain this wasn’t her fault and she really did want to help, but the giant had none of it.  It thanked Kashani, sprouted wings, and flew away.

    “If it weren’t for that pig-headed General Murdoch,” said Kashani, “none of this would’ve ever happened.  They were peaceful.  They wanted nothing more than to find a safe place to live.  Then he comes in, attacks them, and they fight back.  What do he think was going to happen?”

    The Coast Guard fished out the two strongmen, and they, along with the man with the laser blasts, were arrested by the military for an unauthorized military on U.S. soil.  Neither the General nor the ninja could be found, but the military is searching for them.  As for the giant Xaggarian, it flew north, and witnesses spotted the giant land somewhere in the Adirondacks.  Later, hikers spotted several pairs of foot tracks of an unearthly shape.

  • Space News Roundup:  Energy Blasts, a Multi-Galactic Planet, and Skull Planet

    Space News Roundup: Energy Blasts, a Multi-Galactic Planet, and Skull Planet

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    SAGITTARIUS ARM, Milky Way Galaxy – The energy blasts of two god-like beings, Orto and Monku, from 1,000 Earth years ago have finally made their way to the Milky Way Galaxy.  Orto and Monku’s ferocious battle is the stuff of legends, and it cost both beings their lives.  The reasoning for their epic battle is up for debate among historian, politicians, and the religious followings of each warrior, but one thing is known.  Their energy blasts were so enormous and powerful that they’ve been traveling the universe, passing through galaxy after galaxy for over 1,000 Earth years, destroying everything in their path.  Now, they’re headed for the Sagittarius Arm of the Milky Way in the next two Earth weeks, but as they’ve dissipated significantly over the past millennium, their strength isn’t expected to destroy any planets.  Planets with proper shielding will survive with minimal disruption while everything else can expect mild destruction.

    PLANET ARTHI, Pegasus Galaxy & Andromeda Galaxy – In a strange case of spacetime entanglement, the single planet of Arthi is currently residing in both the Pegasus and Andromeda Galaxy simultaneously.  Normally a resident of the Pegasus Galaxy, Arthi got sucked into a rift in spacetime, similar to a wormhole, and now half of the planet is residing in the Andromeda Galaxy.  Thankfully, that new location was already empty and rotating a star, but its location in the Andromeda is nearly 10 million Earth miles farther away from its star in the Pegasus Galaxy.  Arthians have migrated to the Pegasus side for warmth and have asked for help from neighboring planets as all their most advanced technology is currently stuck on the Andromeda side, freezing over.

    SKULL PLANET, formerly Planet Peace – An army of just 500 pirates overthrew the loose collection of “governments” of what used to be known as Planet Peace.  The inhabitants colonized the planet in the Pegasus Galaxy some 2,000 Earth years ago, and with the express purpose of being a peaceful, non-warring society.  Planet Peace attracted pacifists from all over the galaxy, and each group of settlers formed “governments,” which were little more than committees that planned parties, meditation séances, and the occasional orgy.  Money was outlawed, and the inhabitants relied on a barter system.  With no economy to speak of, Planet Peace was at peace for its entire existence, until last week when the pirates invaded.  They overthrew the “governments” in two Earth days.  The pirates’ stated they came to the planet for the orgies, but seeing as the next orgy wasn’t scheduled for another month, they became angry and started a fight.  Since Planet Peace had no military, the pirates ended up overthrowing the planet by accident.  The inhabitants willingly submitted to their new overlords, but the pirates just asked them to schedule an orgy for the following week.  They renamed the planet Skull Planet because it sounded cooler.

  • Area Woman’s Daughter Is A Triceratops (Yes, Really)

    Area Woman’s Daughter Is A Triceratops (Yes, Really)

    tritopskid3web

    By Chase Chapley

    Susan Wong thought she had lost her daughter during the Dino-Day Disaster.  She was nine-months pregnant at the time when she was transformed into a Triceratops, and like most of the city, she was confused and anxious, and her hormones didn’t help either.  Then she gave birth.  To an egg.

    “I was so excited to be a mother and was actually due in a week,” said Wong.  “My husband and I have been anxiously awaiting the birth of our daughter, and then I laid an egg.  I freaked out.”

    Wong was by herself at the time in Legends Park, and when she was beginning to have labor pains, she found a secluded spot in some bushes.  There, she laid her egg.  Exhausted and “freaked out,” she didn’t have time to contemplate or protect her egg.  The Dino Army was on its way to the park.  She had to run.

    “It was the hardest thing for me to do,” she said, “and I still feel terrible for abandoning my child.  But I tried to hide her as best I could and hoped the Dino Army wouldn’t find her.  I couldn’t carry her with me.”

    When she turned back to human, Wong went back to the park to look for her daughter.  She found egg shells, and the ground was wet.  There was no sign of a child, no tracks, nothing.  Her and her husband searched everywhere and contacted the police for help, but in the aftermath of the DDD, the authorities were stretched thin.  A few officers helped them search, but they found nothing.  “I thought I lost my baby,” she said, failing to hold back tears.

    Fast forward to last week, one of Professor “The Gator” Alan Guinness’s students was walking along the Winston River, and she came across a small Triceratops eating grass.  The Triceratops was about the size of a St. Bernard and was scared upon meeting the undergrad, Kiki Nagasaki.  “The little thing was so cute but also so shy,” she said.  “I grabbed a branch from a tree and inched closer to her.  I held out the branch, hoping she’d eat the leaves and let me get close to her.  And she did.  I petted her, and she just seemed so happy.  Then she tried to cuddle with me with her horns, which really hurt.”

    With the help of some friends, Nagasaki was able to transport the Triceratops to Professor Guinness’s lab, and the good doctor performed some tests.  The results from the DNA scan showed the Triceratops was human in origin, but her DNA was mutated.  Given his personal history with mutation, Guinness released the news to the press.  “I figured someone out there was missing a child,” he said.

    When Susan Wong heard the news, her and her husband rushed to Professor Guinness’s lab.  She knew it was her daughter.  Crying, she ran to her daughter and embraced her.  The Triceratops, perhaps recognizing her mother’s scent, became excited, hopping up and down and poking her mother with her horns (which were covered with blunt rubber tops by now).  The family was reunited.

    The father, Ken, was more befuddled than ecstatic.  While happy that his daughter survived the DDD, he wanted to know why she didn’t change back to a human like everyone else.  “Our working theory,” said Professor Guinness, “is that being transformed in the womb made the transformation permanent.  We’re not really sure why this is the case, but something in the magic the Dinosaur Queen used mixed with the Wongs’ specific genetics must’ve made this stick.”

    Guinness is still studying Lucy, the name the Wongs gave their daughter, and has offered to let her live at his office.  He promised the Wongs he would find a way to change their daughter back to human.  “After all,” he said, “she’s going to get very big.  Triceratops get to be as big as elephants, and being a 12-foot tall alligator man myself, my lab is big enough for Lucy.”

    But the Wongs insisted their daughter live with them for now.  “We’ll probably have to take the doctor up on his offer eventually,” said Susan.  “But for now, I want to spend every day with my daughter.  I’m just so blessed to have her in my life.”

    Ken seemed less enthusiastic.  “I love my daughter, of course,” he said.  “I just wish she didn’t eat so much and poke her horns into me.”

  • Adonis, Titana Mediate Atlantis-Pacifica Meetings Around Rumors

    Adonis, Titana Mediate Atlantis-Pacifica Meetings Around Rumors

     

    atlmap2web

    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – Adonis and Titana mediated a meeting between Atlantis and Pacifica today, by request of King Morn, after a rumor emerged that Atlantis staged the Laval attack from last week.

    During a meeting regarding Pacifica’s quest for independence from Atlantis, a small army of Lavals (lava monsters from underneath the ocean floor) attacked the proceedings.  It’s thought they saw an opportunity to eliminate both the Atlantean and Pacifican leaders at the same time, but they were forced to retreat after a fierce battle.  All but two Lavals escaped, however, and these two have been in Atlantean custody since the attack.

    Sometime during an interrogation by a Pacifican offical, that official supposedly caught on to a larger plan behind the attack.  A few days later, suspicion among the Pacificans has grown that Atlantis may’ve staged the attack.  That’s when King Morn called in Adonis and Titana.

    “I understand why King Morn called them in,” said political observer, Luis Mendoza of the Univeristy of Panama.  “On the surface, so to speak, they are third parties, very strong third parties, who will help make sure things don’t get out of hand.  But they also have a long-standing friendship with King Morn, and that can only escalate the situation.”

    “I just hope we don’t have a civil war brewing underwater.  That would have drastic consequences for everyone in the world.”

    Sources inside the meetings reported a noticeable rise in tension when Adonis and Titana arrived.  They are keeping out of the discussions, though, and have only stepped in to break up fights before they had a chance to begin.

    King Morn assured everyone that Atlantis was not behind the attack and that Adonis and Titana “will not pick sides in this matter.”  “We will resolve this, seaperson to seaperson, with our feet firmly planted into the seabed,” he said.

  • LA Gridlock:  Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

    LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

    lagridlock1

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – Chaos continues to reign in the Greater Los Angeles Nations as birds attack bats, the Disney Lands take over Knott’s Berry Republic, and the Breach grows.  The Amazings are set to arrive in Los Angeles tomorrow, bringing much needed help to a region that continues to get weirder by the day.

    The nation known as Aviania has been blanketed by birds for the past week.  From seagulls to pigeons to eagles, hawks, and condors, the skies have darkened over what used to be Irvine, Lake Forest, and Mission Viejo.  Over the last several days, the number of birds has doubled each day as they have appeared to form military divisions according to witnesses in nearby nations.  Rumor has it that a wizard of some sort has holed up in the Mission San Juan Capistrano, just south of Mission Viejo.  It is famous for being the springtime migratory home of the American Cliff Swallow, so it only seems natural that a birdtalker is controlling the birds from there, but so far, it’s still a rumor.

    What’s not a rumor is the birds have been attacking the bats of Chino Hills to the north.  Also known as Batsylvania, Chino Hills has been overrun with the flying mammals, but unlike Aviania, it doesn’t have a famous history of bats.  Rumor has it that a coven of vampires got stranded in Chino Hills and took over, but again, it’s only a rumor.  The bird-on-bat violence has riddled the land of both nations with hundreds of dead flying animals.  Three battles have taken place over the past two days, and it’s not clear if either side has gained any advantage.  But that seems to only be a matter of time as Aviania has replenished its ranks to almost full strength after each battle.  No one knows what they’re fighting over or how to make the children stuck in these nations stop crying.

    Nearby, the Disney Lands have crossed their border into the Knott’s Berry Republic and have all but crushed the competing amusement park-themed nation.  Leaders from the Knott’s Berry Republic have long suspected that Disney would overtake them, but they figured their sticky jams, wild west themed guards, and Peanuts licensing rights would put up more of a fight.  Sadly for them, Charlie Brown couldn’t defeat Mickey Mouse and the precise military strikes of the Disney Lands.  A few leaders have managed to escape the invasion, but it may be only a formality at this point.  The Disney Lands have seized control.

    Yet the most disturbing development is several miles northwest.  The Breach has grown.  More people have been captured in its thrall, and they are chanting something different.  “She is coming,” they chant.  “She is coming,” they repeat continuously, as their eyes turn white.  They do not say who “she” is or what “she” wants.  All we know is “she is coming.”

  • Food Network Exec Apologizes for Guy Fieri After His Latest Culinary ‘Abomination’

    Food Network Exec Apologizes for Guy Fieri After His Latest Culinary ‘Abomination’

    foodnetwork

    By Julia Crumpleman

    NEW YORK – After Guy Fieri unveiled his  latest culinary creation, The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers, Food Network Senior Vice President, Bob Tuschman, apologized for letting Guy Fieri loose on the American landscape.

    “We thought Guy was just a fun, engaging person when we crowned him the Next Food Network Star [in season 2],” Tuschman said.  “We’ve crowned many winners in that competition, and many of them haven’t stuck around for various reasons.  Honestly, I thought Guy would be gone after a few years.”

    Indeed, Fieri is now one of Food Network’s marquee celebrity personalities, hosting several shows and specials over the past 10 years.  He’s also opened several restaurants in New York and Las Vegas, the former of which has received harsh reviews from the New York Times.  It was at his New York restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, that he debuted his latest burger.

    The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers is a beef patty filled with bacon bits, American Cheese, garlic, and habaneros, and it sits between eight slices of bacon (four on top and bottom) and is slathered in guacamole, pepper jack cheese sauce, and ranch dressing, and an onion ring somehow is wrapped around the patty.  The bun is also said to be “injected with butter” for some reason.  The Jalapeño Poppers are regular fried jalapeños poppers but with Fieri’s patented Donkey Sauce instead of cheese.  Scientists are still trying to determine what is actually in his “Donkey Sauce,” and the restaurant provides a complimentary poncho to every patron who orders this “dish.”

    “This is an abomination,” said Tuschman.  “I don’t really understand how it happened, or why, but I think Guy is just throwing things together now, and that’s not what Food Network is about.”

    It was this “abomination” that made Tuschman reassess everything he knew about Fieri.

    “I know about all the criticism people have said about Guy,” he said, “and I didn’t pay attention.  But now I see him for what he is.  The dyed spikey hair, sunglasses, bowling shirts, and his dyed goatee, this is not how a respectable man in 40s dresses himself.  This is a man-child who still thinks he’s in college.  And now we’re stuck with him in a long term contract and can’t do anything about it.”

    “So America, on behalf of Food Network, I apologize for Guy Fieri.  My bad.”

    Fieri was contacted for a response, but his representative said, “He can’t come to the phone right now as he’s swimming in his piles of money.”