The New Romford Free Press

Category: World

  • Japan’s Giant Robots Find Greater Success with Adult Pilots over Teenage Pilots

    Japan’s Giant Robots Find Greater Success with Adult Pilots over Teenage Pilots

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – For years Japan’s Giant Robot Battalion has used teenaged pilots with great success but also with great failure.  After the Metatank incident of 2003, which left 83 dead and billions in property damage, the Japanese government switched over to adult pilots, and the switch has worked better than anticipated.

    “It’s been remarkable,” said Lead Engineer, Toshi Akiyama.  “Who knew that mature adults would make better giant robot pilots than teenagers?”

    For decades, the Japanese government has been tailoring their giant robots to work for teenagers.  The reasoning being that teenagers are quicker to learn new technologies than adults, and there’s the unstated reasoning that teenagers don’t expect to be paid like adults.  The giant fighting robots were then programmed using several interfaces with the pilot, most notably the popular Neural Interface Computer Experience, or NICE.  This interface turned out to be ironically named as it gave teenagers wild mood swings mid-battle and drove many pilots insane.  Japan’s turnover rate at its highest was one new pilot every three weeks.

    Then the Metatank incident made them reconsider teenagers.

    “I’ve been advocating using adult pilots for years now,” said Akiyama.  “Teenagers may be flexible and cheap, but they’re a double-edged sword.  Highly trained, emotionally-stable adults do the same work as teenagers but without the dangers.”

    “Besides, what do you expect, putting them in giant fighting robots?  Teenagers are the worst.”

    Thus far, the adult pilots have reduced property damage by 40%, civilian casualties by 70%, and kaiju outpourings by 35% in the decade since the switch was made.  The NICE system has gone through a few tweaks and has worked out better with adults as well.  Adult pilots are less prone to wild mood swings, and insanity has since only occurred in two pilots.

    Japan has renewed the adult pilot program for another decade.

  • Peace Force Investigate 24 Dead Robots on Asimovia

    Peace Force Investigate 24 Dead Robots on Asimovia

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    By Stan Hopewell

    ASIMOVIA – After humans attacked Asimovia, leaving 24 dead robots, the Peace Force has begun an investigation into the attack.  Japan offered to help, but Asimovia declined.

    Asimovian officials wouldn’t comment on the investigation, and they’ve only allowed Peace Force members onto their island so long as they are robots or have pro-robot sympathies.  On-again, off-again PF member, Positron, joined the special investigation as he is the most prominent robot in the world.  His human ex-wife and reserve member, Violet Vixen, joined the investigation as her powers may be able to detect any magical interference.  Current robotic members, Orion-9 and Blue Platoon, are also part of the invesigation.

    Violet Vixen was the only one who would speak to the media.  “Right now, there is too much that is unknown,” she said.  “We know that humans infiltrated this island and they murdered 24 robots with a virus.  We will not comment any further about this case until we have more evidence, but our hearts go out to those murdered, no matter what their hearts are made of.”

    Sources inside Japan are nervous about the investigation.  While the Japanese government has denied responsibility for the attack and have denounced the attack publicly, privately they are nervous the attack may have been made by Japanese citizens working on their own.

    “The blowback could be intense,” said political science professor, George Costeros of New Romford University.  “The robots may be small in number, but they’re smart and strong.  They could see any Japanese attack, whether or not officially sanctioned by the Japanese government, as an act of war.  And since Japan relies heavily on robots for labor and defense, it would not be hard for those robots to revolt, and if they do, that will likely spark more revolts around the world.”

    “Honestly, there aren’t very many scenarios where robots don’t rise up against humans around the world.  So, maybe befriend robots while you can, fellow humans.”

    Indeed, there have been increased online activity among robots since the attack.  Even though the memory banks of the 24 dead robots are gone, and the robots will be rebooted with new operating systems, the erasure of their identities has struck a chord with robots.  “THEY WANT TO DELETE US,” said MONTY-58.  “We need to stand together, my fellow robots.  The fleshy ones will not win,” said Kortor.  “Humans designate:  BAD.  Brojangles designate:  SAD,” said Brojangles.

    The Peace Force has urged robots to remain calm until the investigation is completed, and they promised to bring the attackers to justice.

  • Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

    Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them.

    Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet.  The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails.  This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything.

    “See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s been monitoring the giant feet for the past two weeks.  “This is what I was saying.  We have no idea how humanoid these things are, and now they probably have tails.  We have no idea what we’re dealing with here.”

    The feet are now 24.14 km (15 miles) above the ground, and at their current rate, Professor Stratosphere believes they’ll touch ground sometime next year.  This also assumes they won’t suddenly fall.

    But the giant feet have become tourist attractions for the continent.  Even with a 100 km (62.14 miles) perimeter around the feet, people can still see the feet for at least three times that distance.

    “I know we see a lot of weird things in this world,” said Karl Monarchs from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who just happened to be vacationing in Australia this week, “but how often do you get to see something like this and not have to worry about getting killed?  Back home, any crazy supervillain or alien or whozziwhazit just springs on you, and you don’t have any time to dodge.  This is pretty freaky, but safe freaky.”

    Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has advised residents and tourists to stay well behind the perimeter for their own safety.  “Yes, I know it’s very inviting to try to take a selfie with the feet,” he said.  “But please be smart and stay safe.  Quite frankly, I’m more than a little concerned that two pair of giant gray feet and, apparently tails now, are just floating over my country right now, so please, please be smart about this.”

    As for residents who live in the perimeter zone, they’ve all been relocated elsewhere at the government’s expense, according to the government.

  • Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

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    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago.

    The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to secede from Atlantis, and the robotic nation of Asimovia, which claimed an abandoned Japanese island as its home.  Feeling a kinship with both, several representatives from the Lupine Nation, including leader, Dinu Nicolescu, approached each nation with a coalition proposal.

    “Friends, let us work together for freedom,” said one Lupine email.  “We all seek self-determination from our oppressive governments.  Alone, we can only do so much.  Together, we can achieve so much more!”

    Both Pacifica and Asimovia denied the proposals several times.  Pacifica is currently dealing with a Laval attack possibly coordinated by Atlantis, and Asimovia was attacked by a human-made computer virus.  “Have you not read the news, dogs?” said one Pacifican text message.  “Go chew on a bone, mongrel.”  The Asimovians were even less subtle.  “QUERY ANSWER DESIGNATION:  NO MEATBAG.”

    Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu, has denied the report, despite the IP addresses being linked to Transylvanian locations.  “We have not made any sort of proposal,” he said in a statement.  “If they did come from Transylvania, then they were not authorized by me or the Lupine Nation.  Someone with nefarious intent did this to frame us.  We want independence, yes, but we have not asked for outside help in this manner.”

    The Transylvanian government, and in particular Prime Minister Dracula himself, has not responded to this report, though sources inside Parliament have noted that Dracula was drinking more blood than normal after reading the report.

  • Adonis, Titana Mediate Atlantis-Pacifica Meetings Around Rumors

    Adonis, Titana Mediate Atlantis-Pacifica Meetings Around Rumors

     

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    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – Adonis and Titana mediated a meeting between Atlantis and Pacifica today, by request of King Morn, after a rumor emerged that Atlantis staged the Laval attack from last week.

    During a meeting regarding Pacifica’s quest for independence from Atlantis, a small army of Lavals (lava monsters from underneath the ocean floor) attacked the proceedings.  It’s thought they saw an opportunity to eliminate both the Atlantean and Pacifican leaders at the same time, but they were forced to retreat after a fierce battle.  All but two Lavals escaped, however, and these two have been in Atlantean custody since the attack.

    Sometime during an interrogation by a Pacifican offical, that official supposedly caught on to a larger plan behind the attack.  A few days later, suspicion among the Pacificans has grown that Atlantis may’ve staged the attack.  That’s when King Morn called in Adonis and Titana.

    “I understand why King Morn called them in,” said political observer, Luis Mendoza of the Univeristy of Panama.  “On the surface, so to speak, they are third parties, very strong third parties, who will help make sure things don’t get out of hand.  But they also have a long-standing friendship with King Morn, and that can only escalate the situation.”

    “I just hope we don’t have a civil war brewing underwater.  That would have drastic consequences for everyone in the world.”

    Sources inside the meetings reported a noticeable rise in tension when Adonis and Titana arrived.  They are keeping out of the discussions, though, and have only stepped in to break up fights before they had a chance to begin.

    King Morn assured everyone that Atlantis was not behind the attack and that Adonis and Titana “will not pick sides in this matter.”  “We will resolve this, seaperson to seaperson, with our feet firmly planted into the seabed,” he said.

  • World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

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    By Falco Rockbert

    MUMBAI, India – Indian superhero, the Purple Monsoon, stopped Paul Plunder from smuggling billions of dollars worth of ancient artifacts out of the Mumbai docks yesterday night.  Plunder, a British supervillain known for smuggling indigenous treasures, had a cargo ship full of stolen Indian items when the Purple Monsoon swept into the docks with her army of sharks, jellyfish, and whales barricading the ship’s exit.  She used her water powers to flood the cargo ship, throwing jellyfish at the faces of Plunder’s henchmen, incapacitating them with their venomous stings.  A fire-fight followed via Plunder’s flame throwers, trapping the Purple Monsoon, but she called in her trump card, Zayn, the Kraken.  Zayn thrashed the henchmen with his enormous tentacles, and the Purple Monsoon had an opening to knock out Plunder.  The henchmen who had escaped the jellyfish and Zayn surrendered to local police, and the Purple Monsoon hopped onto Zayn’s back and rode off from the docks.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – The flour that had dropped onto the city a week ago was finally cleaned up today.  Rain from a couple days ago made clean up sticky and difficult, but the city is back to normal now.  Scientists, meanwhile, have determined the portal was opened by a strange energy fluctuation in Munich, Germany, but the origin of that is still unknown.  The flour came from a Wertzenbach Foods warehouse in Munich, and that was discovered right away.  Wertzenbach Foods reported $1.2 million in lost and damaged goods.  Authorities and scientists are looking for any leads into the origin of the portal.

    BERMUDA TRIANGLE – Over the past three days, ships and planes that have mysteriously drowned in the Bermuda Triangle have now floated to the ocean’s surface, also mysteriously.  Satellite imaging has spotted over 60 man-made crafts, and so far, they appear to be unmanned.  The Peace Force is sending a team to investigate, and Atlantis is investigating the ocean floor.

    DUBLIN, Ireland – A man claiming to be from 19th century Ireland suddenly appeared in the Irish countryside with nine giant potatoes.  The man claimed to be Ian McGilley, a Irishman who disappeared in the 1850s during the Irish potato famine, and he said he followed “an angel” to a “mystical land” where food was gigantic and plentiful.  McGilley said that he had a series of adventures and misfortunes with the local populace of this “mystical land”, but with the aid of the “angel”, he was able to procure nine giant potatoes that would feed his impoverished nation.  He also claims that he was only in this “mystical land” for two weeks, and he is reportedly very confused with the 21st century.  While scientists have confirmed that McGilley came from to the Irish countryside via a interdimensional portal, they can’t confirm the rest of his story.  The giant potatoes, on the other hand, do appear to be giant potatoes, but authorities are keeping them secured while scientists determine if they’re safe to eat.

  • Tibetan Martial Arts Temple Rejects All Westerners Who Think They’re ‘The One’

    Tibetan Martial Arts Temple Rejects All Westerners Who Think They’re ‘The One’

    By Buffy Bolivar

    HIMALAYAS – Dragon Head, a Tibetan martial arts temple deep in the Himalayas, has formally closed their doors to all Westerners because of how many think they’re “The One.”

    “We are happy to open our doors to people of all nationalities,” said Crane Fist, the spokesperson for Dragon Head.  “But the sheer number of Westerners—especially white people—who think they’re ‘The One’ has become a problem.  They think they can come here and, without any formal training, become the master of our style.  Their arrogance disrupts the students who come here for guidance, and the last five men destroyed dozens of ancient, irreplaceable artifacts during their training.”

    Dragon Head was founded thousands of years ago by a nameless woman, who, as the legend goes, trained for a thousand days straight without sleep and gained ancient knowledge.  Her fighting style was furious yet steady, and her kicks were so fast that they created fireballs.  She was named Dragon Head by her followers and founded a school in the Himalayas, which was named in her honor.  Now, that title is passed down from generation to generation, and every student is given a new name upon entering the temple.

    And because of movies, hundreds of white Westerners think they can become the next Dragon Head.

    “I don’t know what the obsession is with Western movies,” said Crane Fist, “but every white man thinks they’re ‘The One,’ so they come here and expect everything to come naturally.  That’s preposterous.  The original Dragon Head trained for one thousand days straight.  That’s nearly three years of non-stop training, and no subsequent Dragon Head has earned the title that quickly.  They get here, train for a few months, and drop out once they realize it’s not so easy.  It’s insulting.”

    “And they always break something ancient,” he continued.  “Always.  Just last week, one American broke the ancient gourds the original Dragon Head drank from while wrestling with another student.  No respect.”

    Currently, Dragon Head is accepting students from anywhere except Europe and North America, and they’re taking an extra long look at Australia while they’re at it.  Also, they’re going to beef up their entrance exam for anyone who still thinks they’re “The One.”

    “We’ll have to ask, ‘Were you born kicking fireballs?,’” said Crane Fist.  “That should weed out the arrogant fools.”