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PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – In a surprising move that will surely test numerous laws, the PGA has introduced Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present timeline.

PGA CEO, Tim Finchem, introduced the younger Woods at a press conference in New York. This Woods has just won the 1997 Masters Tournament, and he was somehow brought from the past to the present. Finchem offered the briefest of explanations for this.

“A third party,” he said, “who has already been turned over to the authorities, had used a time machine to bring this younger Tiger Woods to our present. We can’t speculate as to their motives, and I’m sure the authorities will release that information in due time.”

“But since he’s here, we thought it’d be fun to have the Tiger we all fell in love with play a few rounds of golf. Who doesn’t want to see that?”

The younger Woods looked bewildered throughout the entire press conference, which only lasted ten minutes. Woods reiterated what Finchem had said about his time travel and said he didn’t know much about his future self. “They’ve pretty much kept that a secret,” he said. “That’s probably good. You’re not supposed to know too much about the future. By the way, what happened to the World Trade Center? I noticed they were gone earlier.”

After that question, Finchem ended the press conference and whisked the younger Woods away. Later, he said that the younger Woods would be playing golf “very soon.”

The present-day Woods didn’t return anyone’s calls as it’s understandable that he and his camp would be stunned by today’s events. But that didn’t stop people from speculating.

“Did the PGA just use a time machine to bring ’97 Tiger Woods to the present?” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt. “Did they just kick the present Tiger Woods out of the tour to bring back classic Tiger? This is what happened, right? Am I having a fever dream? This can’t be legal or ethical. What the hell is even happening?”

According to International Time Law, no, this is not legal. Bringing a person from the past to the present is an offense punishable by 30 eons in a space between time and dimensions called Nowhere.

The question now is whether this “third party” that Finchem alluded to acted alone or at Finchem’s request. Either way, this looks bad for the PGA.

“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in sports,” said Van Pelt. “But damn it, we better see the two Woods play against each other. I know it’s wrong, but who doesn’t want to see that?”

October 27, 2015
Lava Monsters Attack Atlantis-Pacifica Meeting

Original Map by Free Vectors

By Skip Daverman

PANAMA CANAL – A small army of lava monsters from the Ring of Fire attacked the Atlantis-Pacifica meetings today, killing six Atlanteans and two Pacificans before being defeated by the ocean-dwellers combined military might.

The lava monsters, known as the Lavals, have long been enemies of ocean-dwellers the world over. They have been vying for territory above the lava vents, and that territory has largely belonged to Atlantis. Many Lavals and Atlanteans (and Pacificans) have died over the centuries in multiple wars. Considering King Morn A’Ganor and Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae were both in the same location, it looks like they were seizing an opportunity.

The Lavals burst up from the Pacific side of the Panama Canal, breaking through rock and creating a new lava breach. Their molten bodies evaporated water at a tremendous rate, creating a blinding sheet of bubbles to conceal their movements. The Pacific Guard was the first to engage the Lavals, but they were caught by surprise. It didn’t take long for the lava monsters to breach the underwater conference center.

Once in, the Atlantic Guard joined the battle and fared better, but not much. The Lavals melted everything in their sight, looking for the world leaders. The Pacific and Atlantic Guards battled for several minutes with the Lavals as King Morn and Viceroy Montae were moved to a safe location. King Morn’s Special Guard, thankfully, was prepared for just such an occasion.

The Special Guard always carry around a super-cooling chemical mixture in bullet and grenade forms on their belts as they must combat any given situation. They were able to end the battle by freezing most of the Lavals in the conference center. Realizing the tide had turned, the small remaining Lavals fled back underground. Six Atlanteans and two Pacificans died in the battle with several dozen more injured. King Morn and Viceroy Montae were uninjured.

The meetings were called off indefinitely so each side could mourn their fallen comrades.

October 23, 2015
Local News Roundup 10.19.15

By Chase Chapley

TOMPKINS SQUARE, Norwoods – The Comedy District was hit last night, robbed of its laughter by sad clown supervillain, Pagliacci. It was a typical night at the two dozen comedy clubs and cellars up and down Missouri Road, when out of nowhere people stopped laughing, and the comedians lost all their setups, timing, and punchlines. Everyone was aware of the awkwardness of the situation, and without the soothing effect of laughter, even the nervous kind, people began to sob. Outside, Pagliacci, who is perpetually sobbing, was using a contraption to suck up all of the laughs from the clubs and cellars. When the police tried to intervene, Pagliacci pointed his contraption at the cops, making them fall to their knees, sobbing. It’s not known how Pagliacci was making this happen exactly, but one witness said that he unhooked the bottle connected to his contraption and drank the liquid that was in it. He reportedly stopped sobbing, smiled for a brief moment, and then went back to sobbing. No one knows where he went, but the people at the clubs and cellars returned to normal this morning. The long-term side effects of the contraption are unknown.

LEEDS – A motorcycle gang known as the Furious Five, perplexingly consisting of eight members, rode into Jerry’s Diner on Lewis Avenue this morning. They came in and ate breakfast at the diner, tipping their waitress $100 according to the Diner. No crime was committed, but the police were called on account that all eight members of the Furious Five had burning skulls for their heads. After a long discussion with the police, the gang was allowed to leave seeing as they didn’t have criminal records on this plane of existence.

UNIVERSITY DISTRICT, Dukes – 26 New Romford University students were arrested last night after allegedly breaking into ATOM Labs. The facility’s security cameras caught them jumping over the outer wall, and the facility’s security drones caught them as they were running across the lawn. One student made his way into the main facility and, evading the security inside, found his way to the three scientists still stuck in the adhesive. Unprepared for this, two security drones sprayed him with expanding foam, and he was hauled outside to be arrested by the police. All 26 students were drunk.

October 20, 2015
Meyers Hired 7 Supervillains to Stage 18 Fake Rescues

By Falco Rockbert

While the surprising news that famous news reporter, Michelle Meyers, was involved in a kidnapping a week ago is still kept secret by law, the bigger revelation of her ties to supervillains is starting to unravel itself.

Michelle Meyers

The NRPD have said that Meyers hired at least 7 different supervillains to stage 18 fake “rescue situations” for her. They interviewed the Master of Disaster and Keymaster, the last two supervillains Adonis “rescued” her from, in prison, and both confessed to being paid by Meyers. In exchange for shorter sentences, they told the police and the DA how they were contacted, how they coordinated their actions, and how they were paid. Using this method, the NRPD were able to locate wire transfers and large cash withdrawals on 18 separate occasions over the past five years. The Master of Disaster was her most popular supervillain to employ, having paid him on 8 occasions.

With payment records, the police were able to identify 18 “rescue situations”, and then it was just a matter of looking back at each situation. The five other supervillains were Lightning Bug (3 situations), The Tortoise (2 situations), Mary Marauder (1 situation), Baby Bouncer (1 situation), and The Bee’s Knees (1 situation). Keymaster was hired for 2 situations.

Why Meyers would go to such lengths is not being discussed by the NRPD as it seems to be linked to the kidnapping. For years, it’s been rumored that Meyers and Adonis were in a romantic relationship, but perhaps their relationship had soured in the past five years. Whether the kidnapping and the “rescue situations” are related has not been disclosed, as the police are still in an ongoing investigation.

Adonis was available for comment, and the Peace Force would not issue a comment.

October 16, 2015
The Telori Go to Gigano to ‘Travel to the Future’

by Karna Firaliz

PLANET GIGANO – After the recent discovery of the Crakosi troop that was stuck on Gigano, who emerged recently still believing that Galactic War 4 was still going on, a business venture is now selling the Telori the chance to “travel to the future” by landing on Gigano for a day or more.

The increased gravity well of Gigano creates a time dilation that slows down time on the planet’s surface. The speed of time outside of Gigano goes by at its normal pace, due to special relativity, and a decade can pass for every day experienced on Gigano. While most beings would prefer to steer clear of this gravitational time dilation because they have family and friends, some are more than willing to hurl themselves into the future.

“I’m just ahead of my time,” said Ur Unger, one of the first to sign up for the business venture, which is named Poe Moops after the cofounders. “I was born in the wrong era. My consciousness exists on the ethereal plane, and no one here understands me. I really feel like I need to travel to the future, to a time when my fellow Telori will get me. Someday, society will accept a relationship between a Telori and a ghost. It just has to.”

“Oh, I have family and friends,” said Ro Rooger, another first traveler, “but I hate them, so I hope they’re all dead by the time I return.”

Poe Poomwert and Moops Moopley, the cofounders of Poe Moops, bought a section of land on Gigano last month and sent drones to set up a landing site on the surface. Of course, with the time dilation, they won’t know of any disruptions to the landing site in the centuries that have passed on Gigano, but they’re optimistic that it will still exist by the time they send Telori there.

“We’ve designed those drones ourselves for other planet-colonizing ventures,” said Moops. “We know they work. But to be safe, we’re equipping all spaceships with drones to make any repairs if anything has disturbed the original landing site in the intervening years.”

“Most of all,” said Poe, “we saw an opportunity here. Many Telori want to see what the future holds for us, and they just want to jump into it. No one wants to wait for future innovations. Maybe they’ll have personal teleportation machines in the future or a cure for mandible cancer. That’s so exciting to think about, and some Telori want to see it in their lifetimes. Now we can.”

Poe and Moops said they will not make the jump themselves as someone has to run the company, and they also said that sending Telori with mandible cancer to the future is too risky at this point as space travel taxes the body too much.

October 13, 2015
LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – While Governor Jerry Brown has called a state of emergency for southern California, the residents of the new Greater Los Angeles Nations have dug in their heels for the long haul.

The nations simply called Cat People and Dog People are predictably at war with each other. Both nations reside in the quadrangle between the 710 & 605 and the 91 & 405, comprising a large portion of the cities of Long Beach and Lakewood. Divided down the middle by Lakewood Blvd, the Cat People live on the west while the Dog People live on the east. It’s not known how each nation became based on the love of feline and canine pets, but their natural rivalries quickly coalesced into a feud.

Their battles have raged since day one as each vie for territory across Lakewood Blvd. The Lakewood Center mall, which lies on the eastern side of the border in Dog People territory, is a hotbed for attacks from the Cat People as it has a Costco, Target, and Macy’s. The Lakewood Regional Medical Center lies on the western side of the border, and the Dog People regularly let their canines loose to distract the doctors while they steal medical supplies. The biggest hot spot in the Long Beach Airport as one of its runways crosses the border into Dog People territory. Last night, thirty-five people were injured when the Dog People tried to gain more runway. Ultimately, they failed, and tensions remain high.

Meanwhile, more information has come in as to what exactly “The Breach” is, and apparently, there’s a 3-mile long tear in the fabric of spacetime from Brentwood to the Sunset Strip “hovering” ominously in the sky. People who stare at the tear reportedly “see the cosmic truth of reality,” or at least, that’s what they chant 24 hours a day as they can’t turn away from The Breach. So far, nothing has come through The Breach, and no one knows how it tore open.

But the big question is where are the superheroes? The West Coast Peace Force is still in space, and the East Coast Peace Force has their hands full with everything else going on in the world. The most powerful local heroes work for the WCPF, so only the street-level heroes are around, and they seem to be trying to maintain peace rather than solve the gridlock.

Dr. Amazing has been called in to help solve the problem, but help may take a while to get there as he’s currently stuck in a pocket dimension with Micro-Man.

October 9, 2015
World News Roundup 10.6.15

By Falco Rockbert

ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries. The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates. The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south. Subsisting on rocks, snow, penguins, and the occasional cannibalism, the Yetis have built a functioning democratic republic with several outposts throughout Antarctica. They don’t have a currency or any advanced technology beyond axes and frostbite, but they were peaceful and welcoming of the humans. “Despite living at the end of the world,” said one researcher, “they still had an understanding of historical and current events. And they made sure to let us know they knew how humans invade lands to exploit their resources, pointing out to the frozen desert each time. It was disconcerting.” The research team returned to their base camp safely and early.

LAGOS, Nigeria – A portal opened up over the skies of Lagos this morning, dropping 30 tons of what was later determined to be flour. The portal opened up 1,800 feet above the city, and the wind scattered the flour over a 6-mile radius. Despite clogging the engines of several cars and trucks and downing all airplanes, no one was injured in the “snow”. The portal closed up in 3 minutes, and scientists have not determined where the flour came from or who opened the portal.

LA PAZ, Bolivia – Bolivians were made aware of what Lake Titicaca sounds like in English yesterday. Some Bolivians became embarrassed by the sudden revelation while others came to appreciate the lake more than they previously did. Peru, who shares the lake, however, still did not get what all the fuss was about.

TORONTO, Canada — Tom South, a writer and urban hole explorer, has finished his latest exploration of all the urban holes in Canada. The three-year journey began in Vancouver and moved eastward to Halifax, ending in his hometown of Toronto. Eight years ago, South somehow became trapped in the water tank of the submarine ride at the West Edmonton Mall while it was empty for maintenance, and he recorded his three-day experience in his journals. Trapped in a Dumb Hole became a national bestseller, and he followed that up with “trapping” himself in the Mall of America for two month for his second book Mall of Despairica: The Cruel Capitalism and Literal Indian Graveyard Under the Mall of America. That book wasn’t as big of a success as his first, and the lawsuit from the Mall of America eventually had the book pulled from stores. With the encouragement from his editor, South returned to his roots and embarked on a detailed exploration of urban holes in Canada, and his new book, Holes: How to Defeat Them the Canadian Way, is slated to come out next year.

October 6, 2015