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  • Besides Walking Trees, Cosmic Rays Pass By Harmlessly

    Besides Walking Trees, Cosmic Rays Pass By Harmlessly

    By Chase Chapley

    The cosmic rays that hit Earth yesterday passed by without much damage apart from the walking trees of Loyalsock State Forest in northern Pennsylvania.

    ATOM Labs saw that a cloud of cosmic radiation was headed toward Earth last week and predicted they’d hit our planet yesterday somewhere between 5:00 am and early this morning in a large area of the Eastern Coast. What was expected to be an off day for much of the country turned out to last about two hours. The cosmic radiation hit Earth at about 7:49 am and ended at about 10:03 am. But scientists and the National Guard in 12 states spent the next two to three hours scanning for any remaining radiation and to search for any mutations.

    The only known mutation was in northern Pennsylvania in the Loyalsock State Forest. Roughly 140 trees had mutated legs and began walking around, bumping into one another because they did not mutate eyes to see where they were going. By the time a helicopter had reached the forest, half of the trees had fallen on their backs and couldn’t get back up because they also did not mutate arms. All in all, the walking trees were corralled into a farm 25 miles away where they are being monitored by scientists. The farm owner is reportedly keeping a chainsaw on hand “just in case”.

    The cause of the radiation was still not definitively known. Since no one became the new savior of Earth or the galaxy, it’s assumed that the radiation wasn’t some cosmic power choosing its new host. The energy signature does seem reminiscent of some alien weapons the Peace Force has come in contact with before, so the likely answer is this was a massive energy discharge from a starship thousands of light years from Earth. It’s even possible the radiation came from a battle that occurred thousands of years ago, assuming it didn’t travel through a wormhole.

    By late afternoon, the All Clear was given by ATOM Labs and the White House, and residents were told to take off their lead-lined vests and helmets and to vacate their bomb shelters. Earth has dodged yet another cosmic bullet.

  • Atlantis and Pacifica Meet at Panama Canal

    Atlantis and Pacifica Meet at Panama Canal

    atlmap2web
    Original Map by Free Vectors

    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – Atlantis King Morn A’Ganor and Pacifica Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae met today with their delegations in the underwater portion, in Lago Gatún, of the Panama Canal to discuss Pacifica’s recent declaration of independence from Atlantis.

    Last week, Viceroy Montae released a declaration of independence from Atlantis, citing concerns over lack of self-control, high taxes, and lax volcano relief.  King A’Ganor has not publicly responded to the declaration.  Reports from Atlantis have surfaced that the King’s Royal Circle is furious over “such a traitorous act”, though a few members have expressed sympathy for the Pacificans arguments.

    Not much was made public from today’s meeting other than nothing has changed.  Sources said that it was a meeting to “clear the waters” between the two sides.  By and large, it was a civil meeting that lasted two hours, though there were a few outbursts from both sides.  Those outbursts were caused more by “cultural differences” between Atlantis and Pacifica than anything else as the King and Viceroy remained calm throughout the meeting.

    After the meeting, the two delegations left in peace and returned to their respective port towns on each side of the canal.  King A’Ganor and Viceroy Montae are expected to meet again in a few days.

  • Mic-D Benefit Concert Thrills and Spills

    Mic-D Benefit Concert Thrills and Spills

    Mic-D file photo

    By Julia Crumpleman

    WHITE VALLEY – The Mic-D benefit concert for the victims of the Dino-Day Disaster, nicknamed #Mic-DDD on Twitter, went off without much of a hitch.  Until Mic-D came onstage.

    The benefit concert lasted five hours out at the Marias Amphitheatre outside of White Valley.  The venue was not damaged during the DDD as it was outside the radius of the Dino-Ray.  Over 20 musical acts and special guests were there to raise money for the victims of the DDD.  Beyoncé and Jay-Z performed a duet, U2 played a song with Coldplay, and Miley Cyrus twerked her hardest, all paying homage to the victims and their families.

    The main event, though, was the clone of Mic-D performing five songs for the first time on American soil.  The U.S. ban on clones is still in effect, but the Obama Administration made an exception for this case.

    Initially, Mic-D didn’t disappoint.  He performed his first three songs perfectly.  The crowd seemed to have forgotten that he was a clone of a dead man created by his best friend with or without consent from his family.  But when he started performing his fourth song, “D-Lite City,” things started to get sloppy according to those in the front row of the concert.

    “OMG,” said @AerostarMonk on Twitter, “Mic-D is gushing goo from his legs!  #GOO  #Mic-GOO #Mic-DDD”

    “Mic-D is spilling out of his pants, yo!” said @twittername2, on Twitter.  “It’s green and it’s everywhere!  I think I swallowed some!!  #Mic-DDD”

    Event organizers cut the feed as soon as Mic-D started to spill green goo from his legs, and with the broadcast on a tape delay to prevent any mishaps, it never actually made it to air.  But that didn’t stop dozens of people from tweeting pictures of it.  For legal reasons, we cannot show you the pictures, but we have seen them.

    “I don’t even know what that was,” said @LuluGumshoe, who live-tweeted the experience.  “At one point, he’s fine, the next, GREEN GOO EVERYWHERE.  It was like a pair of valves on the back of his legs or ass sprung a leak.  It was GUSHING.”

    “His handlers came out and dragged [him] offstage,” she continued.  “He seemed to go limp.  I guess green goo keeps him alive.”

    Mic-D’s handlers declined to comment on anything, even the health hazard to anyone who came in contact with the green goo.  Several concert-goers reported being sprayed with the goo and not getting much help from the event organizers.  No one has reported any illness so far.

    “This is why you don’t let no clones into your concerts,” said Kanye West, who was upset that he wasn’t invited to perform.  “You go for the real deal, and you get a real show, yo.  Green goo just don’t cut it.  I’m filled with real goo!”

  • Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

    Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

    Laikaweb
    Laika, surrounded by scientists and superhero, Ural

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant space dog that emerged from the Russian asteroid earlier this week turns out to be the space dog, Laika, who was shot into space on the Sputnik 2 in 1957.

    After several DNA tests were conducted that showed the giant space dog had Earth dog DNA, someone in the secret Russian testing facility remarked that the dog looked like Laika.  The photos of Laika from 1957 did look like the giant space dog, but they were not convinced.  After all, she had died within hours of her ill-fated launch.  Cosmic rays have been known to mutate human and animal DNA in the past, but without a DNA sample from 1957, which they didn’t have, they wouldn’t have a way to conclusively determine the giant space dog’s identity.

    Luckily, they had one lead, tucked away in the back of a binder of the Sputnik 2 flight records.  Dr. Vladimir Yazdovsky, one of the Sputnik 2 scientists, had taken Laika home with him to play with his children before the launch.  Yazdovsky has long since passed away, but his children are still alive.  They were brought in to see the giant space dog, and the giant space dog recognized them immediately.  She ran up to them and slobbered all over them (one required medical assistance afterwards), but it was confirmed.  The giant space dog is Laika.

    How she survived all this time is still not known.  It was long thought that she died soon after launching into space, but seeing as the Russians didn’t disclose that fact until 2002, it’s apparent that they kept part of her flight a secret.  What the Russian government will do with her is not known, but rumor has it President Putin wants to ride him like giant horse.

  • ‘Asteroidball’ League’s Planetary Destruction Rate Up 20%

    ‘Asteroidball’ League’s Planetary Destruction Rate Up 20%

    CCL Logo
    CCL Logo

    by Karna Firaliz

    PLON QUADRANT, Cornac Galaxy — The intergalactic sport, Ch’chup, a.k.a. “Asteroidball,” is one of the most popular sports in the known universe.  It’s fast-paced action and elaborate space strategies has propelled eight professional leagues into the top grossing entertainments across thirteen galaxies.  But there has always been collateral damage from each match, and more and more planets are getting destroyed along the way.

    According to the Intergalactic Sporting Authority (ISA), which regulates the destructiveness of sports in the universe, Ch’chup’s planetary destruction rate has increased 20% in the past five Earth years.  “Asteroids are regularly sent astray during a match,” read the report, “and generally, the leagues have representatives to catch those strays before they do any damage.  But lately, the leagues have not been doing their jobs to the same effectiveness.  As a result, more and more planets are being slammed by these asteroids, and many of them are inhabited by sentient beings, and in some cases, the destruction has nearly made some races extinct.”

    The report lists a number of factors for the uptick in planetary destruction.  The leagues have altered the rules on Ch’chup that favor the passing game, resulting in players throwing more asteroids than they did 10 Earth years ago*.  The increased passing attempts have made for greater ratings, and if fans can catch a stray asteroid, they can keep it for a souvenir.  And some leagues have let go some of their employees who catch strays to cut down on costs.

    CCL Commissioner, J’ol Gordoon, has vigorously defended his league and has downplayed the statistics reported by the ISA.  “Everyone knows that Ch’chup is a violent sport,” he said.  “It has always been, and we’ve always done our best to avoid the complete annihilations of species.  But we work with every solar system to have an arena** where the destruction will be minimal.  And sometimes the gravitational pulls of planets and stars take over, and you can’t argue with physics.”

    But not every solar system is happy to have a Ch’chup arena.  The 8-Cnal system in the Cornac Galaxy nearly had their entire planet destroyed by a series of eight asteroids from one match.  “If we didn’t have a force field to stop the first three,” said Ruler 134-Cpoll, “we would’ve been killed by the impact and dust clouds that would’ve blocked the sun for the next 300 years.  40% of our population died that day and another 20% died over the last two years.  We’re barely surviving now.

    “As much as I enjoy a good Ch’chup match, the CCL and other leagues need to take better precautions to stop genocide.”

    Commissioner Gordoon did not comment.

  • Scientists Still Stuck in Adhesive

    Scientists Still Stuck in Adhesive

    ATOMLabs

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The team of ATOM Labs scientists who were encased in a vat of super-strong adhesive a few days ago are still stuck.  They’ve been unable to move ever since.

    “That stuff is stronger than anyone thought,” said project supervisor, Daryl Freeman.  “Stronger than anything we’ve got to cut, crush, dissolve, or disintegrate it.  I’d say we had a winner on our hands, but we may have too much of a winner if you get my meaning.”

    Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll have been stuck in a vat of their own adhesive, known as KR-1078, for several days.  Michaelson and Doll were pinned with their backs against the control panel in Testing Room 21, which proved fortunate for them.  They’ve been able to eat and drink without complications.  Detroit, on the other hand, was caught bending over with her head facing the ground.  She’s had to eat everything with a straw or have food spoon-fed to her.  But eating hasn’t been the hardest part of the ordeal.

    “They have to go to the bathroom at some point,” said Freeman.  “That has been interesting to say the least.  Luckily, we have plenty of things to root out the smells.”

    Apart from basic bodily functions, the three scientists have been in good spirits.  Their families stop by everyday to visit and usually sleep on beds Freeman had rolled in from other rooms.  They’ve been watching movies, either on a TV or on a tablet (for Detroit), reading books, and working on projects through speech-to-robot technology.

    Freeing them from KR-1078 has become ATOM Labs’ top priority.  Freeman has called in Dr. Amazing for a consult, but he won’t return from an off-planet mission for another couple days.  Adonis has stopped by to try using his powers in any way possible to no avail.  “If superheroes can’t break it, we may have something on our hands here,” said Freeman.  “Maybe not for buildings and roads and such, but maybe space ships and deep-sea vessels.  Something that really needs protection.”

    “Needless to say, we’re keeping a close eye on it, so it doesn’t fall in the wrong hands.  And if it does, maybe we can glue those hands together and see how far they get.”

  • Tanya Morales Refuses Cybernetics to Become Advocate for Disabled

    Tanya Morales Refuses Cybernetics to Become Advocate for Disabled

    tanyaweb

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Wealthy socialite, Tanya Morales, daughter of famous actor Antonio Morales, is known more for late-night exploits than her social awareness.  But the Dino-Day Disaster changed all that as she explained to Oprah Winfrey for a special on OWN.

    “I was turned into a stegosaurus,” Morales said, “and I was stuck in my apartment on the 56th floor of the Walton Tower.  I was so big that I couldn’t go down the stairs or the elevator, so I was stuck.”  Along with hundreds of other people inside Walton Tower, Morales had to remain in her apartment until she was changed back into a human.  Unfortunately, all the extra weight from her and the other people had destabilized the beams below her, and the floor collapsed.

    “I fell down about 10-15 stories,” she said, “but it felt like 100 stories.  I landed on a pile of people (still dinosaurs), and then we were really stuck.  Every time one of us tried to move, we could hear something creek, like another beam was about to give way.”  A few of the smaller people were able to squeeze out, she said, and thankfully, they landed on the 40th floor.  Every 20th story in the Walton Tower, and in most skyscrapers in New Romford, is reinforced with titanium, by law, to prevent further collapsing for cases such as this.  “Still, we didn’t really know that,” she said.  “We were all so scared to move because we didn’t know what was going to happen.”

    The collapse happened late in the night of the DDD, and by morning, they had turned back to human.  But unbeknownst to them, they were supporting several beams with their added weight and mass, and when they lost that, the beams came falling down on them.  Luckily, no one died in the Walton Tower, but everyone was critically injured.  Morales’s legs were pinned down under a beam.  Rescue robots were able to get her and everyone else to safety, but when she arrived at the hospital, Morales’s legs were horribly infected.  They had to be amputated to save her life.

    “I just cried and cried,” she said with tears flowing from her eyes.  “I just never thought something like this could happen to me.”  Amputation turned out to be a common procedure in the wake of the DDD.  239 people had to have at least one limb amputated.  At New Romford General Hospital, where most of the amputations took place, including her own, Morales saw the toll it took on families less privileged than her own.

    “I am blessed,” she said.  “My family is wealthy, and we can afford to buy cybernetics to replace my legs.  I could very easily get the latest model and walk and run and be stronger than I ever was.  But I just couldn’t do it.  Cybernetic limbs are incredibly expensive.  They cost at least half a million dollars for one limb, and then there’s the lifetime maintenance and repair costs that push it up into the millions.  I was in the hospital for a week, and I got to know my fellow amputees, and I just couldn’t get cybernetics and walk out of there.  I just couldn’t do it.”

    Instead, much to the chagrin of her parents, Morales decided to not only refuse cybernetics, but to refuse prosthetics of any kind.  “Normal prosthetics are useful, but they don’t allow the user to have the sensation to touch or feel temperature,” she said.  “And that’s important for people, important for them to feel whole again, or at least as whole as they can.  We’re in such a technologically advanced society that we should be working to make cybernetics more accessible to everyone, not just the wealthy and superheroes.”

    Because of that, Morales is starting a new foundation, The Cybernetics Project, with the sole intent of pushing for cheaper cybernetics by developing new technologies and reducing supply costs.  The Cybernetics Project already has the backing of New Romford University, ATOM Labs, Dr. Amazing, and Thomas McDowell, who will be the primary benefactor.  “I’m humbled to have so much support for my foundation,” said Morales.  “This project is now my life’s goal, and I will work hard every day to make cybernetics cheaper for everyone.”

    As for her legs, Morales sees them as a symbol.  “Being confined to a wheelchair has been incredibly difficult for me,” she said, “and I’ve only been in one for a few weeks, but it’s given me perspective.  This world, and in particular this city, was built for able-bodied people.  But I still plan on living my life.  Wherever I go, I’ll always be advocating for the disabled, and my legs will be a remainder to everyone of that.  And until my foundation reaches its goal, I will remain in my wheelchair.”