The New Romford Free Press

Tag: ATOM Labs

  • Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The three scientists stuck in the adhesive, KR-1078, for the past several months have finally been freed thanks to Dr. Amazing and an alternate dimension.

    Scientists Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll were caught in an experiment gone wrong several months ago while testing out the new adhesive designated KR-1078.  While being stuck in the adhesive, in awkward, uncomfortable positions, they’ve been cared for by service robots, and they’ve even continued their work, albeit without the use of their hands by and large.  ATOM Labs has been looking for a solution to no success.

    But dealing with the Breach in Los Angeles gave Dr. Amazing an idea.  “Portals,” he said.  “I’ve been having portals to other dimensions on my mind for a while now, and it just clicked.  When I got home from LA, I went right to work on a new gizmo.”

    That gizmo is a handheld device that opens and closes a portal to a pocket dimension with the flip of a switch.  Using this “interdimensional chipper,”Dr. Amazing was able to chip away the adhesive bit by bit.  The only downside is that the process took ten days.

    “It takes an incredible amount of power to open a portal, even of a small size as the chipper,” said Dr. Amazing.  “Add into that opening and closing it over and over again, and I think we’ve used more power in ten days than ATOM Labs uses in a year, and that’s saying something.”

    Regardless, the scientists were grateful to regain partial mobility over the ten days.  Professors Detroit and Doll were able to sit upright finally, and Professor Michaelson was able to use the toilet all by himself again.  While the chipper was able to get the big chunks of the adhesive off, the small chunks could not be removed with any sort of precision.  Since those were on the scientists’ clothes, they were able to simply undress.

    “I’m just so grateful to be able to walk on my own two feet,” said Detroit.  “I’ve never realized how much I could miss walking.”

    “I can’t believe how good it feels to feed myself,” said Doll.  “The robots mean well, but they don’t really understand that chewing takes time.”

    “I’ve never thought I could ever miss toilets in my life, yet here I am,” said Michaelson.

    ATOM Labs has the remnants of KR-1078 is stasis fields as it’s still incredibly sticky.  The floor has been torn up to remove the portions still stuck on the floor, and the rest in the pocket dimension are being closely monitored.  In the meantime, the three scientists have been given the next month off to recuperate.

  • INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

    INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

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    From left to right: Maria Gutierrez, Samantha McDonald, John Hou, Tarani Kapoor, Karen Humboldt, Kathleen Herrera, Mike Laramie, Jennifer Laramie

    By Tarani Kapoor

    As Project INFINITY explores the multiverse, team leader Tarani Kapoor writes about their travels into the unknown.  We’ll bring you select excerpts from her journal as ATOM Labs provides them to us.

    DIMENSION 46

    As we’ve traversed the multiverse, we’ve come across superheroes in about half our worlds (more depending on your definition of superhero), but by and large, everytime we’ve come across them, they are fighting supervillains and monsters.  Now, we’ve come across a world where they won’t stop punching each other.

    Dimension 36 initially resembled our home from the start.  We saw New Romford in all its glory, and we saw Titana fly through the air.  Then, as we were getting our bearings, Adonis flew in and attacked her.  The force of the impact could be felt for miles according to local news reports.  Our group figured one of them was a robot, clone, or evil counterpart of some origin, but as the two giants began to fight, the locals started running for cover.

    Within minutes, the streets were clear, and someone hurried us into an underground bunker with hundreds of people.  We asked what was going on, and no one knew.  Through overheard conversations and some googling, we gathered that Titana and Adonis were indeed themselves on this world, and that there’s been a war going on between two different factions of superheroes.  The source of the conflict was hazy.  One story suggests the death of a superhero sparked the conflict while another suggests a piece of legislation as the cause.  Another mentions something about an alien infiltration.

    Whatever the cause, we didn’t get much into this world’s history because someone blasted through our bunker with an energy ray of some sort.  Above ground, the battle had escalated very quickly with dozens of superheroes punching each other and destroying the entire city.  Fearing for my crew’s safety, I quickly teleported us to another dimension.

    DIMENSION 47

    Safely into the next dimension, we were all relieved to see that superheroes were not currently destroying it.  Dimension 37 was calm and peaceful, and it resembled our own except for the local fashions.  Almost everyone, young and old, fit and portly, was half nude.  We were clearly overdressed.

    As we sat a café trying to get our bearings, we saw this world’s superheroes, whom we didn’t know, stop a robbery across the street.  While the robbery wasn’t anything out of the ordinary (a minotaur and his goons were robbing a china shop for some reason), the superheroes’ costumes were practically spray painted on, except for their thongs and capes.

    After the battle, two of the male superheroes walked around to make sure everyone was safe.  As they approached us, it became apparent that the superheroes had spray painted their bodies.  They were practically nude, and the fashions of the locals started to make sense.

    Something about us being fully clothed must’ve aroused them because they began to flirt with us.  Uncomfortably.  At one point, one superhero got incredibly close to Karen, and she became flustered.  Jennifer had to forcibly restrain the superhero from getting any closer, and the superhero got angry.  Then the other superhero tried to flirt with her, and Mike had to intervene.

    But before anything else happened, an explosion occurred on the other side of town.  The superheroes said a few derogatory and sexual things to us and flew off.  We comforted Karen and Jennifer and decided it was best to jump to a new dimension.  Hopefully, a calm one.

    DIMENSION 48

    We somehow landed in another world where the superheroes are at war with each other.  This time the conflict had something to do with Adonis and El Toro’s mothers having the same first name, which makes no sense, but at least no one’s sexually harassing us here, so we’ll take a win when we can get it.

  • Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

    Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

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    By Chase Chapley

    After returning from a losing bid in International Time Court, Hellena was sentenced to 40 years in prison for stealing an experimental device from ATOM Labs.

    Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana, returned to New Romford from Paris after all nine Time Judges denied her request to be tried by them rather than New Romford City Court.  The Time Judges were not persuaded by her attorney’s arguments.  Neither was the jury, as they only needed five minutes deliberation to render a guilty verdict.

    This time, Hellena didn’t rush to attack the judge, largely because she was bound by more powerful restraints.  In fact, she appeared to be despondent during the trial, and she did not take the stand.  It’s possible Hellena was resigned to her fate, as there was video and pictures taken from ATOM Labs and Bayland Amusement Park, or she was trying to play on the jury’s sympathy.  Her attorney did open and close with her time-displaced nature.

    Either way, the jury rendered a unanimous guilty verdict, and Judge Caroline de Costa sentenced Hellena to serve 40 years in Granite Prison with possibility for parole in 20 years.

    Titana was also in attendance but didn’t take the stand either.  According to those in attendance, Titana and Hellena met eyes only once, and that was when Hellena was being escorted out of the courtroom after the trial.  Titana did not answer any questions.

  • Pumpkin Pi Succombs to Fire, His One Weakness

    Pumpkin Pi Succombs to Fire, His One Weakness

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    By Muffy Borgeron

    Math-themed supervillain with a pumpkin for a head, Pumpkin Pi, was severely injured in a chemical fire in his workshop in Norwoods last night.  He’s currently being treated for third-degree burns and charring at ATOM Labs.

    Pumpkin Pi, whose real name is unknown, stole several drums of chemicals from Spade Chemical Plant a week ago.  In his secluded workshop in Norwoods, which was an abandoned bakery, Pi was apparently using his stolen chemicals in various experiments.  What he was brewing is unknown, but it doesn’t matter anymore as they all blew up in his face.  Literally.

    The explosion could be seen for dozens of blocks, and some people from Bexton claimed to have seen it from the top of their buildings.  Pi received  a near direct hit from the blast, and he sustained several third-degree burns on his flesh body and severe charring on his gourd head.  The NRFD put out the fire and was able to recover Pi from the fire, alive but unconscious.  At least they think he was unconscious.

    “It’s really hard to figure out if someone’s unconscious or not when they don’t have a typical brain head,” said one unnamed firefighter.  “Like, how am I supposed to tell if he’s awake or not?  Slap him on his pumpkin noggin?  Are those seeds and string stuff his brain?  And it’s not like he had eyes and a mouth or anything.  Those were just drawn on with a marker.  How the heck did he see or talk?”

    No matter how his head works, Pi’s flesh body was easier to deal with as it’s just a normal human body until the neck.  The NYFD was able to get a pulse and hear his heartbeat and called it good.  ATOM Labs is treating him and his injuries under armed guard.  No one else was in the building at the time of the explosion.

  • Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

    Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

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    By Chase Chapley

    Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea.  The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked.  The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.

    Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars.  Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19th floor.  He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.

    Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods.  Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2.  The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face.  He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.

    Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand.  When the C Train left the 56th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions.  This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times.  Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate.  Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here.  Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service.  They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult.  For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”

  • Local News Roundup 10.19.15

    Local News Roundup 10.19.15

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    By Chase Chapley

    TOMPKINS SQUARE, Norwoods – The Comedy District was hit last night, robbed of its laughter by sad clown supervillain, Pagliacci.  It was a typical night at the two dozen comedy clubs and cellars up and down Missouri Road, when out of nowhere people stopped laughing, and the comedians lost all their setups, timing, and punchlines.  Everyone was aware of the awkwardness of the situation, and without the soothing effect of laughter, even the nervous kind, people began to sob.  Outside, Pagliacci, who is perpetually sobbing, was using a contraption to suck up all of the laughs from the clubs and cellars.  When the police tried to intervene, Pagliacci pointed his contraption at the cops, making them fall to their knees, sobbing.  It’s not known how Pagliacci was making this happen exactly, but one witness said that he unhooked the bottle connected to his contraption and drank the liquid that was in it.  He reportedly stopped sobbing, smiled for a brief moment, and then went back to sobbing.  No one knows where he went, but the people at the clubs and cellars returned to normal this morning.  The long-term side effects of the contraption are unknown.

    LEEDS – A motorcycle gang known as the Furious Five, perplexingly consisting of eight members, rode into Jerry’s Diner on Lewis Avenue this morning.  They came in and ate breakfast at the diner, tipping their waitress $100 according to the Diner.  No crime was committed, but the police were called on account that all eight members of the Furious Five had burning skulls for their heads.  After a long discussion with the police, the gang was allowed to leave seeing as they didn’t have criminal records on this plane of existence.

    UNIVERSITY DISTRICT, Dukes – 26 New Romford University students were arrested last night after allegedly breaking into ATOM Labs.  The facility’s security cameras caught them jumping over the outer wall, and the facility’s security drones caught them as they were running across the lawn.  One student made his way into the main facility and, evading the security inside, found his way to the three scientists still stuck in the adhesive.  Unprepared for this, two security drones sprayed him with expanding foam, and he was hauled outside to be arrested by the police.  All 26 students were drunk.

  • Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Arleen resident, Terry Upton, was found safe today after he was sucked into a pocket dimension from a Snuggie he bought two days ago.

    ATOM Lab scientists examined the Snuggie portal in their facility with the aid of Dr. Amazing.  Upton was sucked into the portal the instant he put it on, so the scientists kept a safe distance from it, using robotic arms to handle the garment.  They detected the same ion particles found at Upton’s home and determined where the portal led.

    “It was just a matter of matching the ion signatures,” said Dr. Amazing.  “This is surprisingly easy to do once you know what you’re looking for, and it was even easier when it was a pocket dimension that we discovered 20 years ago.  We already had this thing mapped and in our database.”

    Dr. Amazing and two fellow scientists entered the Snuggie portal, tethered to our dimension.  No one has set foot in this pocket dimension for 8 years, so they came in prepared for a battle.  What they found came to a relief:  Upton was sitting on a recliner, watching DVDs of Family Matters, and eating chips on a large rock floating in a void.

    Upton explained that he fell onto the large floating rock, and he was alone.  The rock was equipped with a bed, several dressers and bookcases, a fully-stocked kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom, and a smaller rock about 100 yards into the distance housed a gym, but Upton never made it up there.  He said he looked around the place and screamed for help for the next hour.  Believing that someone would eventually come for him, he decided to relax and go through some of the DVD box sets he found.

    “I got lucky,” said Upton.  “I mean, real lucky.  I could’ve been stuck falling in an endless void until I died, but I landed in a pretty nice apartment despite the void.  Looking at that for too long made me just want to jump out into it.  It really messes with your head.  No wonder there’s so many DVD box sets here.”

    “Too bad they didn’t get anything past the 80s.  I can only watch so much Urkel, you know?”

    Dr. Amazing went through some of the belongings and discovered this space was inhabited by the portal-hopping supervillain, Jumper.  He’s known for using a cape as a portal, so it’s theorized that one of his capes was somehow sewn into a Snuggie.  How or when Jumper gained access to this pocket dimension is unknown as are his current whereabouts.  He’s currently wanted by the FBI and five states for multiple counts of larceny.

    After an examination for side effects from the pocket dimension, showing no ill effects, Upton was allowed to go home, and his boyfriend greeted him at ATOM Labs.