By Dash Hamely
JACKSONVILLE – Former college football star, ex-NFL backup quarterback, and current football commentator, Tim Tebow, has been lobbying the science community to let him travel to alternate dimensions with the hope that he can play in an NFL.
“I just want a chance is all,” Tebow said. “I’ve wanted to play quarterback in the NFL all my life, and I just want the opportunity, you know.”
Tebow last played with the New England Patriots but was released before the regular season began. After trying out for several teams in private, and despite an unusually high rate of injuries to quarterbacks this past season, he could not land with any of the remaining 31 football clubs. He also turned down offers from the CFL, arena football, and a “Russian football league”, whose existence has yet to be confirmed. Last year, he became a college football commentator for ESPN, but his contract specifically came with a clause that he may pursue his football career again at any time.
“Now is the time,” said Tebow. “I’m ready, and even if I have to travel to a hundred different dimensions to find an NFL in one of them that would have me, then that’s the path God wants me to take.”
“I don’t care if I have to play against bug people or a world where people have six arms,” he said. “I’ll cross any chasm and fight against all odds, even a dimension filled with smoke monsters, to play for an NFL somewhere in the multiverse. I just need a chance.”
Traveling between dimensions is heavily regulated around the world. Scientists and the UN closely monitor interdimensional travel as so much is not known about other dimensions, and just opening a portal can have disastrous consequences.
“In 1979, a portal was opened to Earth 34,” said physicist Karl Unger, “and a swarm of parasitic emus erupted from the other side. Twenty-nine people died from parasitic emus. So, letting a failed football player travel to however many Earths just so he can play in an NFL? Ludicrous.”
“And I don’t care how many universes there are, but there isn’t a respectable league out there that uses the wildcat formation.”
Tebow denied reports that he tried to enter this year’s NFL Draft under an alias and a wig and goatee, though photographs and records indicate someone name Tom Teebone was at the NFL Combine in March.