The New Romford Free Press

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Broken Water Main Melts Coven of Witches

By Muffy Borgeron

PHILADELPHIA – A break in a water main did more than flood homes last night.  It also caught a coven of witches by surprise, melting them in the process.

A sudden spike in water pressure caused a water main to break under N. 4th Street in the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia.  No one knows what caused the spike, but the break flooded the dozens of homes during the night.  One unlucky home belonged to Mary Wittenberg and her sister Larissa Wittenberg, both of whom were witches.  Last night, they were hosting a get-together with several of their fellow witches.

“We were just having fun,” said Mary Wittenberg.  She survived the flood, but lost her right leg in the process.  “We were watching the Twilight movies and making fun of them, getting a little drunk.  And then we did a little witch business, made some potions, and cast some spells.  Just a normal night.  We were in the middle of a séance when it happened.”

Once the water burst through their air vents, it was too late for several of the witches.  According to Wittenberg, witches do not normally melt in water.  It’s only when a witch is in a heightened spiritual state, like when in a séance, does water corrode their flesh.  “That’s why we wear wide-brimmed hats,” she said.  “And also, we usually cast a spell to protect ourselves from water, but this, we weren’t prepared for this.”

Three witches died by melting, and their names are being held back until the authorities have time to tell their families about the incident.  Mary and her sister, Larissa, both survived, each losing a limb to the water.  Two other witches survived, one losing an arm and a leg to flood.

The horrifying incident has rattled the neighborhood.  The coven was well-known in Northern Liberties not just for their potions and spell, which they sold on the streets, but also for being good neighbors.  “They helped us when a storm took out the power,” said Loretta Stephens.  “They cast some sort of spell to reattach the wires to bring back the power, and they gave my cousin a potion to relieve his chronic back pain.  Those girls are good girls.  I don’t care if they’re witches.  They’re good people, and it’s just a tragedy.”

City officials were able to shut off water to the broken main within five minutes and are looking into the cause of the break.  It’s also likely that the city will be sued for a wrongful death lawsuit though the city ordinances regarding melting are ambiguous.