By Skip Daverman
MEXICO CITY – The late Aztec ruler, Montezuma, has returned from the dead, riding the giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, and immediately began attacking the citizens of Mexico City at random.
How he came back to life is still unclear, but his wrath was not. Montezuma was aware of the last 400 years and the ultimate destruction of his empire by the Spanish. He apparently learned how to speak Spanish as he made a speech in that language in the Zócalo, the main square in Mexico City. In part, he said (translated into English):
“Citizens of the wretched city of the mongrel Spaniards, hear me, for I am your true king! I, Montezuma, will exact my revenge for the four centuries of the extermination and the humiliation. Any of my brothers are welcome into the new Triple Alliance. But first, we must expel the enemies and leave them behind us, forcibly if we must. Excrete them into the mud, over and over again, if they stand in our way. Thus will be the Montezuma’s revenge!”
Then, Quetzalcoatl roared, spun around into a whirlwind, and disappeared into the sky. Thankfully, no one was killed during the sudden attack, but the city is reeling from the experience. “I do not have any comment at this moment,” said Mayor Mancera. “I am trying to make sure my people are safe.”
Many people were equally awed and terrified by the sight of not only Montezuma but of Quetzalcoatl. “That was awesome,” said Jorge Ruiz, a cab driver who witnessed the speech. “I was scared as well, but it was a giant flying serpent. It was Quetzalcoatl!”
“But one thing,” he continued, “did he not know what Montezuma’s revenge means these days? I mean, he learned modern Spanish, yes? That was super weird.”
The Mexico City superhero, El Toro, was said to be on the case according to several sources.