The New Romford Free Press

Tag: permanent gridlock

LA Gridlock: The Amazings End the Gridlock with Pocket Dimension But Can’t Close the Breach

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – After what seems like months of strife, the original Amazings have ended the gridlock that turned the Greater Los Angeles area into a dozens of nations.

“It was a bit more difficult than I thought,” said Dr. Amazing. “There were so many vehicles blockading roads and intersections, so we couldn’t just unclog them. Where would we put the vehicles? Anywhere we put them would just let the whole thing get reclogged, never mind that we couldn’t lift all of these vehicles just by ourselves.”

“Then I remembered I had access to pocket dimensions.”

Just like how they defeated Mother from the Breach, the Amazings defeated LA’s gridlock by stowing all of the cars, trucks, vans, and semis away in a pocket dimension, albeit a one uninhabited by Mother. Splitting up into teams of two, the Amazings used one of Dr. Amazing’s gizmos to teleport thousands of vehicles into a pocket dimension. After a day’s work, roughly half of every vehicle on the roads of LA were no longer of this Earth.

Without half the capacity, traffic was able to finally move. People were able to head home, but there was still the problem of all the would-be royals in each “nation.” Luckily, the West Coast Peace Force returned from space to help beat back the bats, Disney Land Overlords, and James Cameron cosplayers. These communities were damaged to varying degrees, but overall, people were able to return home and reunite with loved ones.

“It seems like years have passed since I’ve seen my kids,” said Marc Helms of Anaheim, who was stuck in Fredistan for reasons he doesn’t wish to disclose. “Somehow my kids survived the Disney Land-Knott’s Berry Farm War, and I’m just grateful to be with them.”

“But I still don’t understand why my backyard is filled with dead bats wearing mouse ears.”

As for the vehicles in the pocket dimension, they were brought back in stages to our dimension after the traffic had cleared out. The West Coast Peace Force helped to maintain order, which was easy given that everyone just wanted to go home.

Unfortunately, the Breach could not be closed, and Dr. Amazing said it might stay open for the foreseeable future. He will pull in scientists from around the world to close it, but for now, he has only one suggestion for how to deal with it.

“Just don’t look at it too long,” he said.

December 27, 2016
LA Gridlock: The Amazings Defeat Monster from the Breach

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – The Amazings arrived in Los Angeles this morning and, after closing the failed wormhole in Gardena, began to assess the gridlock before being attacked by monsters from the Breach.

Landing their Amazing Plane in the Griffith Observatory, one of the few neutral areas in the Greater Los Angeles Nations, the original Amazings (Dr. Amazing, Snow Woman, Mr. Bigg, and Miss Terror) began to assess the damage caused by the gridlock. Snow Woman used her snow powers to put out some fires and then freeze the lava pit, and Miss Terror beat up some Terminator Gang members from terrorizing people in Glendale. Mr. Bigg threw Dr. Amazing over to the failed wormhole in Gardena while he investigated the Breach. Dr. Amazing was able to close the wormhole with a device he invented and then rejoined Snow Woman just north of him, and they found Mr. Bigg looking at the Breach.

Thankfully, Dr. Amazing had invented special goggles to combat the thrall of the Breach, so Mr. Bigg wasn’t affected. Using his giant size, Mr. Bigg tried to remove the people stuck staring into the Breach, but they wouldn’t budge. Miss Terror rejoined them, and her strength wasn’t able to move them. “She is coming,” they chanted all the while, and then it changed. “She is here,” they all screamed in unison.

From the Breach, flying monsters dropped from the sky. They were pink, purple, and teal creatures with four red eyes, tentacles for mouths, bat-like wings, and various numbers of limbs depending on their color. The monsters began consuming the enthralled humans, attaching themselves to their heads and absorbing them into their colorful bodies. The Amazings fought off as many as they could, but the aging superheroes were outnumbered. Then the Mother arrived.

The Mother, whose name was unpronounceable as it didn’t contain vowels any human could speak, was gold and ten times bigger than her children. Mr. Bigg punched her in her tentacle mouth because of course he would, but it made her angry. The Mother ate her children, gaining their strength in the process and growing in size. The Amazings were on the ropes.

The ensuing battle destroyed much of west Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, largely due to Mr. Bigg staying in giant form. Snow Woman and Miss Terror had more success freezing parts of the Mother’s body and punching her in the joints. Dr. Amazing left for several minutes, and he returned with the bees of Leimert Park in tow.

Using another one of his gizmos, Dr. Amazing transformed the bees into dark bees. In a risky move, he somehow ordered the dark bees to attack the Mother, and their dark stings disintegrated the Mother’s body. The Amazings fought to keep the Mother from escaping, and with each sting, the Mother disintegrated. One by one, the humans absorbed by the monsters fell from her body, and Snow Woman created a snow bank to catch them.

Eventually, the dark bees had disintegrated enough of the Mother to make her just a head. Dr. Amazing called off the dark bees, turning them back into normal bees, and they all buzzed away. Snow Woman put the Mother’s head on ice, and Dr. Amazing transported it to a pocket dimension for safe keeping. All of the humans caught in the thrall woke up, dazed and confused but no worse for wear. Now, all the Amazings had to do was figure out how to close the Breach, but Dr. Amazing admitted he didn’t know how to do that.

September 2, 2016
LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

Image from the movie Escape from L.A.

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – Famous Actor, Kurt Russell, has apparently been helping people escape from Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, and yes, he realizes how that sounds.

“I can’t believe he’s actually doing this,” said Roger McCormick, who was helped out of the LA Gridlock by Russell. “I asked him, ‘Seriously? You’re doing this?’ And he was like, ‘Yeah yeah, I know. Come on, you want to get out of here, right?’ It was wild, man. Just wild.”

According to those who escaped LA, Russell was in his Beverly Hills home when the Gridlock happened, and his fellow actors and Hollywood cohorts asked him to get them out of the city. They knew how well he researched his film roles. It took some convincing, but Russell revealed that he knew how to escape the city through a serious of underground tunnels, which turned out to be mostly sewers and the subway, but they did lead out of the city. Along the way, he met several non-Hollywood elites in the sewers, and he knew his mission.

“We live in Anaheim when this all started,” said Rosa Marquez. “My son and I were driven into hiding by the Terminator Gangs, and we got mixed up with some other people who took us underground. We were lost immediately, and after a day of wandering, we ran into Kurt Russell of all people. He said he’d take us to safety, and even in those sewers, his blue eyes pierced through you to your soul. I just knew he’d get us to safety.”

Russell has led over 3,000 people to the Free Lands northwest of LA. Relief workers have been setup there for the past week, providing shelter for escapees. Each time Russell appears with new escapees, crowds form and chant his name. He takes the praise in stride, cleaning and resting up for each new rescue mission. After getting refueled and taking selfies, Russell heads back underground.

“Man, the man is non-stop,” said Erin Churn. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap. He just keeps moving. It’s incredible.”

“I don’t know why he wears the eye-patch though. I mean, I know why, but still.”

August 26, 2016
LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – Chaos continues to reign in the Greater Los Angeles Nations as birds attack bats, the Disney Lands take over Knott’s Berry Republic, and the Breach grows. The Amazings are set to arrive in Los Angeles tomorrow, bringing much needed help to a region that continues to get weirder by the day.

The nation known as Aviania has been blanketed by birds for the past week. From seagulls to pigeons to eagles, hawks, and condors, the skies have darkened over what used to be Irvine, Lake Forest, and Mission Viejo. Over the last several days, the number of birds has doubled each day as they have appeared to form military divisions according to witnesses in nearby nations. Rumor has it that a wizard of some sort has holed up in the Mission San Juan Capistrano, just south of Mission Viejo. It is famous for being the springtime migratory home of the American Cliff Swallow, so it only seems natural that a birdtalker is controlling the birds from there, but so far, it’s still a rumor.

What’s not a rumor is the birds have been attacking the bats of Chino Hills to the north. Also known as Batsylvania, Chino Hills has been overrun with the flying mammals, but unlike Aviania, it doesn’t have a famous history of bats. Rumor has it that a coven of vampires got stranded in Chino Hills and took over, but again, it’s only a rumor. The bird-on-bat violence has riddled the land of both nations with hundreds of dead flying animals. Three battles have taken place over the past two days, and it’s not clear if either side has gained any advantage. But that seems to only be a matter of time as Aviania has replenished its ranks to almost full strength after each battle. No one knows what they’re fighting over or how to make the children stuck in these nations stop crying.

Nearby, the Disney Lands have crossed their border into the Knott’s Berry Republic and have all but crushed the competing amusement park-themed nation. Leaders from the Knott’s Berry Republic have long suspected that Disney would overtake them, but they figured their sticky jams, wild west themed guards, and Peanuts licensing rights would put up more of a fight. Sadly for them, Charlie Brown couldn’t defeat Mickey Mouse and the precise military strikes of the Disney Lands. A few leaders have managed to escape the invasion, but it may be only a formality at this point. The Disney Lands have seized control.

Yet the most disturbing development is several miles northwest. The Breach has grown. More people have been captured in its thrall, and they are chanting something different. “She is coming,” they chant. “She is coming,” they repeat continuously, as their eyes turn white. They do not say who “she” is or what “she” wants. All we know is “she is coming.”

March 11, 2016
LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – While Governor Jerry Brown has called a state of emergency for southern California, the residents of the new Greater Los Angeles Nations have dug in their heels for the long haul.

The nations simply called Cat People and Dog People are predictably at war with each other. Both nations reside in the quadrangle between the 710 & 605 and the 91 & 405, comprising a large portion of the cities of Long Beach and Lakewood. Divided down the middle by Lakewood Blvd, the Cat People live on the west while the Dog People live on the east. It’s not known how each nation became based on the love of feline and canine pets, but their natural rivalries quickly coalesced into a feud.

Their battles have raged since day one as each vie for territory across Lakewood Blvd. The Lakewood Center mall, which lies on the eastern side of the border in Dog People territory, is a hotbed for attacks from the Cat People as it has a Costco, Target, and Macy’s. The Lakewood Regional Medical Center lies on the western side of the border, and the Dog People regularly let their canines loose to distract the doctors while they steal medical supplies. The biggest hot spot in the Long Beach Airport as one of its runways crosses the border into Dog People territory. Last night, thirty-five people were injured when the Dog People tried to gain more runway. Ultimately, they failed, and tensions remain high.

Meanwhile, more information has come in as to what exactly “The Breach” is, and apparently, there’s a 3-mile long tear in the fabric of spacetime from Brentwood to the Sunset Strip “hovering” ominously in the sky. People who stare at the tear reportedly “see the cosmic truth of reality,” or at least, that’s what they chant 24 hours a day as they can’t turn away from The Breach. So far, nothing has come through The Breach, and no one knows how it tore open.

But the big question is where are the superheroes? The West Coast Peace Force is still in space, and the East Coast Peace Force has their hands full with everything else going on in the world. The most powerful local heroes work for the WCPF, so only the street-level heroes are around, and they seem to be trying to maintain peace rather than solve the gridlock.

Dr. Amazing has been called in to help solve the problem, but help may take a while to get there as he’s currently stuck in a pocket dimension with Micro-Man.

October 9, 2015
New Nations Form in Los Angeles Gridlock

Click for full-sized map.

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – The permanent gridlock on the freeways and streets of the greater Los Angeles area has created more than just chaos. It’s created new nations as well.

With vehicles stuck on the freeways or the main roads, people haven’t moved much further than where their vehicles have parked. Some local residents have offered to house stranded drivers while others have been living in parks, alleys, and whatever buildings in which they can find refuge. And the Terminator Gangs and Na’vi Nation have seized the opportunity.

The Terminator Gangs have taken control of much of eastern Los Angeles and formed an area called Battlezone just southeast of Dodger Stadium, where disputes among gang members take place. The Na’vi Nation has taken control of the most land, taking up land from La Habra in the south to all the territory north of the 210. To compete with the rampaging fandoms of James Cameron movies, the Jedi Republic formed in the Pomona-Ontario-San Dimas regions, though the Na’vis aren’t scared of them according to neighboring nations.

The rest seem to be a hodgepodge of local residents or displaced drivers rising up to power. A family of centaurs has taken control of Huntington Park, Queen Arga, a witch claiming to be from 16^th century England, is ruling Fullerton, a 55 year-old trucker, Fred Lloydman, has proclaimed San Fernando to be a constitutional monarchy called Fredistan, and millions of bees have taken control of Leimert Park, though no one knows if one queen bee is in charge or if multiple queens are.

Some “nations” are neighborhoods that have tried to transport people out of the gridlock without success. Scientists in Westmont and Inglewood tried digging a hole underground but only dug up lava, somehow, and scientists in Gardena tried opening a wormhole but only succeeded in sucking 30 blocks into oblivion, leaving a crater 50 yards wide in its wake.

The studios have largely banded together south of the 101, Warner Bros. and Universal being the dual rulers, but Disney has taken over two nations and is arguably the most well-organized. The Disney Lands take up much of the land around Disneyland, including most of Anaheim, Orange, and Santa Ana, and the Northern Disney Lands take up the triangle between the 101, 170, and the 5 where Walt Disney Studios and the Bob Hope Airport are located. Rumor has it that they have a secret tunnel allowing the two disparate states to connect, but that’s been unconfirmed so far.

Not much is known about the other nations apart from the names given to themselves, but everyone, from local mayors to the governor, is surprised by how quickly communities broke down and rebuilt themselves after the permanent gridlock.

August 21, 2015
Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

by Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES — The gridlock that is plaguing the Los Angeles metropolitan area has spread to include nearly all of the freeways and major thoroughfares. The growth has forced mayors of all the cities to ask for help.

“We need the National Guard, the Peace Force, the Amazings, and anybody else with superpowers,” said LA Mayor Eric Garcetti. “Our lives have effectively ground to a halt. Our citizens can’t get to work, to their families and friends, or even their homes. We need help.”

Twenty-five mayors echoed the sentiments of Garcetti in a joint conference call to the Governor and President. The call was broadcast online from each of their offices as they could not physically be in the same room.

Even if the National Guard, Peace Force, or the Amazings were to help, it will be difficult to know where to start. “Just look at this mess,” said KTLA traffic reporter Sally Martinez. Via Skype, she showed the hundreds of red strings on an LA map in a news conference. “Usually, it’s just a few spots here and there, but the traffic jams are literally everywhere. I have no idea how to untangle this mess without just picking up all the vehicles and moving them somewhere. There are millions of vehicles on these roads.”

“I don’t know how we unclog this mess. I don’t suppose there’s a teleporter on the Peace Force, is there?”

For its part, the West Coast Peace Force is still up in space dealing with “an unknown intergalactic threat” according to the WCPF spokesperson. The New Romford-based Peace Force said they’re “monitoring the situation and will help as time allows.” The Amazings were not home at the moment, according to the Grainger Tower answering machine.

President Obama and Governor Jerry Brown have already stated their commitment to helping, but for now, they’re not sending in ground forces so as to not exacerbate the problem. The National Guard has offered to airlift people to their homes via helicopters, something hospital helicopters have been doing for sick residents.

Some superpowered residents have assisted in small ways as well. A man with ice powers has provided water to people stuck along the 5 and 605, and a woman with bat wings has flown a few people home in Anaheim. Thankfully, no looting has occurred. “Where would looters haul their stuff anyway?” said Martinez. “Sure, they could steal a TV, but good luck getting across any of the four streets blocking your path home.”

But it’s not all good fortune. The Terminator Gangs have taken control of the Los Angeles River, which is mostly dry at this time of the year, as it resembles the spillway scene from Terminator 2. This has effectively cut off another avenue for citizens to travel. And the Na’vi Nation, the other James Cameron-inspired street gang, who have painted their bodies blue and run around in loincloths, have infected the various wooded parts of the LA area. Since they’re prone to jump around tall objects, they’re less centralized and have popped up in hundreds of spots. Both groups have terrorized anyone who enters their territory, and their territory seems to change by the hour.

“I don’t know what to do,” said Pasadena resident, Idara Montero. “I found three blue people hanging around in the trees behind my house, and they yelled at my husband when he asked them to go away. Then they shot arrows at him, screaming some nonsense about Home Tree. Now, we just leave them alone and hope they move on.”

“Seriously, I hate James Cameron movies.”

December 16, 2014