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Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

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by Skip Daverman

MEXICO CITY — The resurrected Aztec king, Montezuma, attacked the Campo Militar No. 1 military base in the Mexican capital, again riding his giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

The attack came out of nowhere as Quetzalcoatl suddenly appeared out of the clouds above the base.  The Mexican troops did not have time to mount an effective defense.  The feathered serpent fired lightning bolts from its mouth, destroying tanks and garrisons in short order.  El Toro, along with several other local superheroes, were too late to help out as Montezuma left nearly as soon as he appeared.  Four people were reported dead from the attack, and several dozen more were injured.

Montezuma did leave a message via the radio.  Translated from Spanish, he said, “Fools!  This is the true power of the Triple Alliance!  These wretched Spaniard soldiers did the cowering under my power.  They ran fast as I appeared.  They knew the force I am.  I gave them the runs and the explosions out the rear of the base!”

The translation from Spanish is a direct one.  It is not his first language, and even native Spanish speakers were thrown off by his syntax.

“I, Montezuma,” he continued, “will continue my the revenge against the mongrel Spaniards.  I will make them run into the toilets until there is no more to run!  Beware or bow down to my might!”

The Mexican government would not comment on the attack, though they said they were investigating how Quetzalcoatl teleported above Campo Militar No. 1.  Several scientists in the area did detect a strange radiation spike in the area during the attack.  “It’s faint, but it’s there,” said Dr. Miguel Villareal, professor of physics at Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico.  “The radiation signature doesn’t appear to be harmful by itself, but with some more analysis, we may be able to figure out how it works and how to predict it.”

“But seriously,” he said, “does Montezuma not know what his ‘revenge’ means?  This is getting gross.”