The New Romford Free Press

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World News Roundup 7.24.15


By Falco Rockbert

MONACO – The annual Grand Prix through the city streets of Monaco ended early today after a kraken attacked the coastline.  The kraken’s giant tentacles slammed into the streets, destroying hundreds of cars and injuring dozens of people.  Earlier in the day, some deep sea explorers had brought up an object to Monaco’s ports, and the kraken was after this object, now believed to be its offspring due to its resemblance to a squid’s egg.  Local superhero, Le Héros, was able to keep the kraken at bay while the police and explorers returned the object to the sea.  Once the kraken had the object in its giant tentacles, it left.  Le Héros followed it underground to make sure it wouldn’t return, and the Grand Prix was cancelled.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – Numerous witnesses have reported over the past three days that the Christ the Redeemer statue has been blinking.  Authorities were initially skeptical of the reports, but someone filmed the statue for four hours and caught the stone Jesus blinking ten times.  While many believers think this is a sign from God, authorities believe some magic trickery is the cause of this phenomenon.

MONSTER ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – Bobo and Baba, the giant gorilla couple, gave birth to their first baby boy, Bibi, two days ago.  The newborn is a healthy 18 tons and 20 feet tall, but those are approximations as the new parents are understandably protective of their son.  Also, local human researchers couldn’t get close due to it being mating season for the dinosaurs.

SAHARA DESERT, Algeria – A giant castle emerged out of the sand over the past week and is now currently above ground in Algeria.  Scientists believe strong winds unearthed much of the castle, but seismologists also reported a small localized earthquake in that area last week.  The castle, according to researchers, looks to be anywhere from 90 BCE to 1500 CE, though those dates are only estimates.  Authorities have cordoned off the area around the castle for 100 kilometers, especially after the initial research party sunk into the sand about a kilometer outside the castle.  The New Amazings have been called in by the Algerian government to investigate.