The New Romford Free Press

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Space News Roundup 7.28.15


By Karna Firaliz

OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living motorcycles) behind the small hunks of ice and rock.  The LGP was tipped off to their location after a brawl between two rival pirate brigades broke out and turned explosive after touching the anti-matter bandits.  The light from explosions reflected off the icy rocks and reached a nearby LGP outpost roughly 300,000 Earth kilometers away.  The LGP armada was called in and made the arrests after a 5 Earth-hour laser fight.

MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – A mysterious pyramid suddenly appeared on Mongolia’s moon, ominously pointing at the planet.  Mongolian officials (note:  this planet just coincidentally shares its name with the Earth nation) sent up a team to investigate.  Reportedly, the Mongolian government suspected it was a volcano, but with its four symmetrical sides, they feared it will be a doomsday weapon.

TROT, Milky Way Galaxy – Cart Befer Moop, the famed Loorian explorer, who was on a mission to chart every planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, tragically died three Earth days ago when she was eaten by a living planet in the Sagittarius Arm.  Her ship along with its  records were spat out by the planet, and it landed on the planet Trot.  Before Moop died, she had charted 3,429 planets, planetoids, and moons.  She was only 745 Earth year old, young by her species’ standards.

S’TOK, Andromeda Galaxy – A group of JNNKO college students ransacked the peaceful, solipsistic beings of S’Tok, famous for not believing anyone or anything outside of their planet actually exists.  The college students were rowdy, drinking alcohol at all hours of the day, taking food right out of the local S’Tok’s hands, and pushing and hitting the locals, all without resistance.  A pair of Xim tourists happened to be in the vicinity and did their best to help the locals, but the college students outnumbered them.  When they finally got bored, the JNNKO college students left five villages in shambles.  When asked by the Xim tourists why they let the college students do this to them, the S’Tok wondered how the destruction happened.  The local police arrived on the scene, but they wouldn’t take down the Xims statements because they didn’t believe the Xims actually existed.  Exasperated, the Xim tourists left S’Tok in disgust.