The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Dracula

  • Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    transylvania

    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago.

    The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to secede from Atlantis, and the robotic nation of Asimovia, which claimed an abandoned Japanese island as its home.  Feeling a kinship with both, several representatives from the Lupine Nation, including leader, Dinu Nicolescu, approached each nation with a coalition proposal.

    “Friends, let us work together for freedom,” said one Lupine email.  “We all seek self-determination from our oppressive governments.  Alone, we can only do so much.  Together, we can achieve so much more!”

    Both Pacifica and Asimovia denied the proposals several times.  Pacifica is currently dealing with an Laval attack possibly coordinated by Atlantis, and Asimovia was attacked by a human-made computer virus.  “Have you not read the news, dogs?” said one Pacifican text message.  “Go chew on a bone, mongrel.”  The Asimovians were even less subtle.  “QUERY ANSWER DESIGNATION:  NO MEATBAG.”

    Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu, has denied the report, despite the IP addresses being linked to Transylvanian locations.  “We have not made any sort of proposal,” he said in a statement.  “If they did come from Transylvania, then they were not authorized by me or the Lupine Nation.  Someone with nefarious intent did this to frame us.  We want independence, yes, but we have not asked for outside help in this manner.”

    The Transylvanian government, and in particular Prime Minister Dracula himself, has not responded to this report, though sources inside Parliament have noted that Dracula was drinking more blood than normal after reading the report.

     

  • Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    transylvania

    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago.

    The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to secede from Atlantis, and the robotic nation of Asimovia, which claimed an abandoned Japanese island as its home.  Feeling a kinship with both, several representatives from the Lupine Nation, including leader, Dinu Nicolescu, approached each nation with a coalition proposal.

    “Friends, let us work together for freedom,” said one Lupine email.  “We all seek self-determination from our oppressive governments.  Alone, we can only do so much.  Together, we can achieve so much more!”

    Both Pacifica and Asimovia denied the proposals several times.  Pacifica is currently dealing with a Laval attack possibly coordinated by Atlantis, and Asimovia was attacked by a human-made computer virus.  “Have you not read the news, dogs?” said one Pacifican text message.  “Go chew on a bone, mongrel.”  The Asimovians were even less subtle.  “QUERY ANSWER DESIGNATION:  NO MEATBAG.”

    Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu, has denied the report, despite the IP addresses being linked to Transylvanian locations.  “We have not made any sort of proposal,” he said in a statement.  “If they did come from Transylvania, then they were not authorized by me or the Lupine Nation.  Someone with nefarious intent did this to frame us.  We want independence, yes, but we have not asked for outside help in this manner.”

    The Transylvanian government, and in particular Prime Minister Dracula himself, has not responded to this report, though sources inside Parliament have noted that Dracula was drinking more blood than normal after reading the report.

  • Dracula’s Daughter Swears Off Human Blood, Defects to Paris

    Dracula’s Daughter Swears Off Human Blood, Defects to Paris

    sophiaweb

    by Stan Hopewell

    PARIS — Sophia Dracula, the first daughter of Prime Minister Vladimir Dracula, has formally defected to Paris after swearing off human blood.  Prime Minister Dracula has not yet responded to the news.

    Sophia, born in 1732 to Dracula’s second wife, Morgan, has been loyal to her father for much of her life, and from 1824 to 1890 she served as his Foreign Minister.  She stepped down from the position after growing bored with politics and traveled the world with several boyfriends.  Considered the “wild child” of the family, which is saying something for the Draculas, Sophia has often been at political odds with her father for years.  She opposed “turning” world leaders like Napoleon Bonaparte and John F. Kennedy.  She was active in the Werewolf Wereferendum, granting civil rights to werewolves in the 1930s, and she’s been advocating for her father to step down from office for the past 50 years.

    Now Sophia has sworn off human blood and defected to Paris.  “It’s past time for me to disassociate myself with my father and his regime,” she said in an undisclosed location in Paris.  “I can’t in good conscience support consuming human blood anymore.  I know many people don’t think vampires have consciences, but we do, and if I am to prove it, then I must live what I preach.”

    Human blood is the lifeblood of vampires, so to speak.  Vampires lack the capacity to produce hemoglobin, the protein in blood that transports oxygen from the lungs to the body’s cells.  Consuming blood provides hemoglobin to the vampire allowing them to live and needs to be consumed at least once a week.  The life energy that allows vampires to stay immortal can come from any red-blooded animal, but since humans and vampires are related, humans are the best source of life energy for vampires.

    Sophia knows the dangers inherent in her decision, but she’s confident that her alternative will keep her satisfied.  “The advances in stem cell technology have been nothing short of revolutionary,” she said.  “I can use stem cells from a willing donor to produce gallons of hemoglobins that I can then inject into my body once a week.  Or I can inject them into a bloody beef steak for a more satisfying meal.  Either way, I am not chomping down into a human or raiding a blood bank.”

    Treating her vampirism as a “medical condition” with regular treatments has allowed her to peacefully defect to Paris.  The French government was also pleased to learn top-secret Transylvanian information, which has been reported but unconfirmed by Sophia or the government.  While Transylvania has remained peaceful for much of the past century, Europe is still wary of Dracula.

    “I know my father can be rather tyrannical,” said Sophia, “but I don’t want him to be the face of vampires anymore.  We are better than that, and I need to show the world that, in the light of day.”  In the 1980s she embraced sunlight-reflecting technology and now wears an invisible “second skin” of nanites that can reflect 88% of the sun’s rays, allowing her to walk around in broad daylight.  She now owns Solar Technologies, which produces the “second skin” along with super-thin solar cells and various hard-light technologies.

    “I intend to be a full member of Western society,” said Sophia.  “I will live and work on the same schedule as humans, I will eat like a human, and I will not ‘turn’ anyone.  That is my promise to France and the world.  I will even endure that torture that is waking up in the morning.  I seriously don’t know how you humans do this.”

  • Werewolves Declare Independence from Transylvania

    Werewolves Declare Independence from Transylvania

    transylvania

    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a move riding the wave of Pacifica and Asimovia, the werewolves of Translyvania have also declared their independence from the Republic of Transylvania.

    “For too long we have sat underneath the thumb of Dracula,” said Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu.  “We have been belittled, betrayed, ignored, and harassed by a leader who claims to work for all creatures in his kingdom.  He has not done so.  First, he let the Chupacabras in, then he lowered the tax on silver.  Soon, he will surely allow the Van Helsings of the world into our borders.  Just because we don’t donate the most blood to his campaign–because we can’t or else he would turn into a werewolf, and we all know how he feels about us Lupines—he thinks he can walk all over us.  Well, not anymore.  The Lupine Nation will not have our voice drowned out by Big Blood.”

    “We declare independence from Transylvania,” he continued.  “And we will govern ourselves under the Full Moon Standard.”

    The nation of Transylvania is relatively small compared to other European nations.  Its borders have shifted countless times over the past five centuries due to war and political alliances.  The current nation is primarily covered by Romania but has a small border with Hungary and Ukraine.  Where the proposed “Lupine Nation” would reside was not answered by Nicolescu in his statement.

    Prime Minister Dracula did not immediately respond, but his office did say that they were looking into the matter.  Sources inside the Royal Palace indicated that this was a surprise to Dracula and his cabinet.  Given how fiercely Dracula has defended his borders over the past 200 years, it is not likely that he’ll let a part of his country secede in peace.

    More to come on this breaking story.

  • Werewolves Protest Lower Silver Taxes

    werewolfprotestBy Skip Daverman

    CLUJ, Transylvania – After a proposal by the Transylvanian government to lower silver taxes, the nation’s werewolf community came out to protest today with an estimated crowd of 40,000 protestors.

    Last week, Prime Minister Dracula and several MPs wrote a proposal to lower the nation’s longstanding heavy silver tax as a way to boost job growth.  The tax currently sits at 340% of the global buying price for silver, and that tax is applied to all imports into Transylvania and to any purchase of any product containing any amount of silver that is sold within the country.  Dracula and his fellow MPs, none of whom are werewolves, argue that such a high tax prevents high-tech equipment and medical supplies from being imported in, stunting economic growth.

    “Silver is an important super conductor,” said Dracula.  “You don’t even realize what kind of machinery and electronics it is in unless you can’t have it.  If we are to progress in the 21st century, then we need to lower the tax so that all citizens can benefit.”

    The proposal asks for the tax to be reduced to 100% of the global buying price, but the Lupine community made it known that any kind of reduction was a threat to their very existence.  Chants of “silver is death” rang through the crowd as many people held signs.  One sign read, “Why not reduce garlic tax, too?!”

    “There’s a reason why silver was taxed so high,” said Dinu Nicolescu, werewolf protest leader, who also lost in the last election to Dracula.  “Silver is toxic to werewolves, and lowering taxes on silver for ‘economic growth’ is just a deception aimed at wiping out the Lupine people.”

    Dracula flatly denied Nicolescu’s allegations, calling them “paranoia”.  “My job as Prime Minister is to help this nation to prosper,” he said.  “We are behind the rest of Europe by at least 15 years because of these ancient taxes that don’t mean much today.  We will take every step to prevent silver from being extracted from goods and formed into bullets just as we always have.  I will make sure that the penalties for such actions will not only remain but be strengthened by this proposal, and I will make sure every product containing silver will be labeled as such.  But the truth of the matter is that most of the silver imported will be small amounts built into the machines, and it would be too difficult for anyone to extract and reform into a weapon.”

    As for lowering the garlic tax, since that is dangerous to vampires, Dracula said, “Do not be ridiculous.  Garlic cannot be made into machines.”

  • Dracula Wins Transylvanian Election

    Dracula Wins Transylvanian Election

    draculawins

    By Buffy Bolivar

    CLUJ – In a decisive victory, Transylvanian Prime Minister Dracula won reelection for the 28th consecutive time, continuing his 220 year reign.  He defeated the Full Moon Party candidate, Dinu Nicolescu, a werewolf, with 61% of the vote.

    While publicly campaigning on jobs, infrastructure, and lower taxes on blood imports, Dracula ran a dirty campaign.  Nicolescu complained about attack ads aimed at him and his werewolf nature, calling them “disgraceful and discriminatory against my Lupine-kind”.  Nicolescu’s werewolf half also made several complaints about Dracula’s tactics during the full moon, usually by scratching notes into walls and howling at the moon.

    Before Nicolescu, no werewolf had ever run for Prime Minister, and only 14% of Parliament is Full Moon.  “Many Transylvanians are wary of the werewolves,” said New Romford political scientist, Maria Stephens.  “It’s been over thirty years since the werewolf rights movement happened in that country, yet they still have reservations about their leaders tearing up the place once a month.  Not to mention the shedding.”

    Dracula insists he ran a proper campaign and scoffs at the idea he engaged in dirty politics.  “My opponent is a werewolf, and 30% of our populace is Lupine,” he said.  “As Prime Minister, I must lead and protect all of my people regardless of if they’re human, vampire, werewolf, golem, or minotaur.  All creatures are welcome in Transylvania.”

    Exit polls show that the main concern for voters was the economy with unemployment reaching 11% last month.  Nicolescu promised to lower taxes on the wealthiest Transylvanians to encourage job creation, an issue 57% of Transylvanians disagreed with, and pledged to increase taxes on silver and wolfsbane, both of which received less support.  Voters were clear in wanting to stay the course with Dracula, supporting his call for better roads, increased mining in the Carpathians, and monthly blood-tasting parties at his villa near the Turda Gorges.

    “What can I say,” said Stephens.  “Dracula throws the best parties.”