The New Romford Free Press

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Local News Roundup 10.19.15


By Chase Chapley

TOMPKINS SQUARE, Norwoods – The Comedy District was hit last night, robbed of its laughter by sad clown supervillain, Pagliacci.  It was a typical night at the two dozen comedy clubs and cellars up and down Missouri Road, when out of nowhere people stopped laughing, and the comedians lost all their setups, timing, and punchlines.  Everyone was aware of the awkwardness of the situation, and without the soothing effect of laughter, even the nervous kind, people began to sob.  Outside, Pagliacci, who is perpetually sobbing, was using a contraption to suck up all of the laughs from the clubs and cellars.  When the police tried to intervene, Pagliacci pointed his contraption at the cops, making them fall to their knees, sobbing.  It’s not known how Pagliacci was making this happen exactly, but one witness said that he unhooked the bottle connected to his contraption and drank the liquid that was in it.  He reportedly stopped sobbing, smiled for a brief moment, and then went back to sobbing.  No one knows where he went, but the people at the clubs and cellars returned to normal this morning.  The long-term side effects of the contraption are unknown.

LEEDS – A motorcycle gang known as the Furious Five, perplexingly consisting of eight members, rode into Jerry’s Diner on Lewis Avenue this morning.  They came in and ate breakfast at the diner, tipping their waitress $100 according to the Diner.  No crime was committed, but the police were called on account that all eight members of the Furious Five had burning skulls for their heads.  After a long discussion with the police, the gang was allowed to leave seeing as they didn’t have criminal records on this plane of existence.

UNIVERSITY DISTRICT, Dukes – 26 New Romford University students were arrested last night after allegedly breaking into ATOM Labs.  The facility’s security cameras caught them jumping over the outer wall, and the facility’s security drones caught them as they were running across the lawn.  One student made his way into the main facility and, evading the security inside, found his way to the three scientists still stuck in the adhesive.  Unprepared for this, two security drones sprayed him with expanding foam, and he was hauled outside to be arrested by the police.  All 26 students were drunk.