The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Speedster

  • Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

    Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

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    By Chase Chapley

    Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea.  The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked.  The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.

    Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars.  Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19th floor.  He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.

    Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods.  Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2.  The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face.  He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.

    Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand.  When the C Train left the 56th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions.  This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times.  Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate.  Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here.  Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service.  They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult.  For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”

  • National News Roundup

    National News Roundup

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    By Stan Hopewell

    FORT WORTH, Texas – A herd of 50-60 wild Minotaurs stampeded through the Jacksboro Highway yesterday, causing havoc for nearly 10 miles.  It’s not known why the Minotaurs were stampeding.  The 15-foot bull-man-beasts were running at top speed into the city and weren’t speaking in a human language.  Authorities tried to stop them with their guns and a couple National Guard tanks, but nothing was able to stop them.  Dallas-area superhero, Dynamite Jack, was able to redirect the Minotaurs down highway 287, and with the help of some well-placed dynamite and ramps, he was able to explode them into Lake Arlington.  As Minotaurs are terrible swimmers, it was easy to subdue them all with elephant tranquilizers and airlift back out into the wild.  Dynamite Jack said he was investigating what caused the stampede.

    TUCSON, Arizona – After a chemical spill on Interstate 10 left 23 people in the hospital last week, a 18-month-old boy was given superpowers.  Unfortunately, for the parents, the boy’s superpowers are supersonic screams.  The parents have tried to cover up their son’s mouth as best they can as his screams can break glass 50 feet away.  They are currently at the University of Arizona, working with scientists on a way to muffle their son’s screams, and are open to suggestions from the superhero community.

    CHICAGO, Illinois – Speedster rounded up the Rhino Gang from the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) this morning after a proposed business deal went bad.  Four members of the Rhino Gang were attempting to make a legitimate business deal with an unnamed investment group when the terms of the deal went out of favor of the Rhinos.  To make matters worse, one of the human investors made a remark about rhinos going extinct, which was particularly stupid since the Rhino Gang each weigh at least 1,000 pounds.  They attacked the investors and the security guards who tried to intervene.  The police emptied the building as best they could as the Rhino Gang took hostages.  Speedster, who happened to be running through Chicago at the time, zipped in and tied up the Rhinos with an unbreakable plastic rope, which she apparently carries with her.  Somehow, no one died, but dozens were injured.  The investors were arrested along with the Rhino Gang.

    CASPER, Wyoming – The entire town of Casper vanished from the face of the Earth two days ago.  All of the roads in to the town still exist, but all of the people and buildings have vanished.  Governor Matt Mead has ordered all travelers to bypass any highway to Casper while the National Guard and scientists investigate from a safe distance.

  • Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

    Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

    speedsterbwBy Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – Longtime Speedster supervillain The Tortoise gave his archnemesis a run for her money today by hopping through multiple dimensions before finally being defeated on Ellis Island.

    The Tortoise, a.k.a. Mortimer Tortois, has been antagonizing Speedster for the past 40 years, starting with the second Speedster of the 60s, 70s, and 80s.  With each new iteration, Tortois has found a way by science or magic to speed himself up or slow Speedster down.  This time, he had an experimental device implanted into his mechanical shell that allowed him to hop through dimensions, mimicking super speed via bending spacetime.

    “It really did look like he was super fast,” said Bryan Armstrong, who witnessed the beginning and ending of the encounter on Ellis Island.  “One moment, blip, he’s gone, and the next he’s right next to Speedster.  It was really weird.  An old fat dude with a giant metal turtle shell shouldn’t be able to move that fast.”

    The incident began on Ellis Island with The Tortoise dropping down in his giant Tortoise Copter and spitting out fire from its four “legholes”.   The fire dispersed the crowd, and when The Tortoise emerged, Speedster was waiting for him.  She had received his message.

    According to witnesses, Speedster immediately ran to The Tortoise, but he disappeared before she could lay a hand on him.  The Tortoise reappeared on the other side of the island, called out to Speedster.  She ran towards him, and again, he disappeared.  This sequence repeated itself a few more times until The Tortoise began to attack Speedster.  After a few blows, Speedster “ran away”, and The Tortoise thought he had won.  But Speedster had apparently run around the Earth to approach The Tortoise from behind.  Once she tackled him, they both disappeared.

    Thus far, Speedster and the NYPD are not saying where the two went, but given that they both returned to Ellis Island an hour later in different, but similar, clothes, it’s likely they went to different dimensions.  The device, coming from a research lab at MIT, has been reported to be a dimension traveling apparatus that was stolen last night.  Sources at MIT have confirmed the energy signature of The Tortoise match that of the device.

    Why Speedster and The Tortoise were wearing clothes with Jared from Subway on them is unknown.  Presumably, they spent time in a dimension where Jared from Subway is their king.

    Tortois has been arrested, the device has been secured and turned off, and the mechanical turtle shell has been dismantled.  Speedster has not indicated whether her new variant costume will stick around.

  • Report: Female Superheroes Fight Crime Better in ‘Practical’ Costumes

    Report: Female Superheroes Fight Crime Better in ‘Practical’ Costumes

    By Falco Rockbert

    In a new report published by New Romford University, it was found that female superheroes who fight in “practical” costumes tend to fight crime better than those female superheroes who fight in more “traditional” costumes.

    Looking over the past 20 years, the research division at NRU analyzed multiple data points with regard to female superheroes.  They analyzed number of arrests, arrest rates, bystander injuries, property damage, injuries to superheroes, and average battle times for female superheroes depending on what costumes they wore.  Controlling for factors like raw power, their research found that “practical” costumes played a role in how superheroes fought crime.

    “Normally, we don’t think about superhero costumes,” said lead research Rachel McDonnough.  “It’s just something they wear, and sure, it’s tight fitting and a little revealing, so how much can that really affect crime fighting ability?  Turns out, quite a bit.”

    “For female superheroes,” she continued, “’practical’ costumes, defined as appropriate clothing for the person’s power set and fighting ability without unnecessary embellishments, not including aesthetic elements, shortened battle times by two minutes, lessened property damage and bystander injuries, and increased their arrest rates by 5%.  In short, practical costumes are better for fighting crime.”

    Examples of “practical” costumes include Titana’s costume, which has supportive straps for her bust, and Speedster’s tracksuit.  Both were cited as examples of designs that were appropriate for each hero’s power sets and fighting abilities.  An example of a “traditional” costume, ironically, is Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana.  Her costume doesn’t provide support for her bust, so her breasts tend to flop out of her clothing.  Several superheroes had similar design flaws in their costumes including Extra Woman and her “boob triangle”.

    One hero who saw an increase in her crime fighting ability due to a costume change was Major Magnificent.  She changed her costume from what was essentially a bathing suit and stockings to pants and a form-fitting, long-sleeved top three years ago.  Her arrest rate went up 12% and average battle time went down 2 and a half minutes.

    The reason for the increase seems to be confidence.  “These women,” said McDonnough, “used to dress skimpy and, sometimes, seductively as a rule.  For some of them, that actually made sense.  Farrah Fox is a superspy, so her sexuality comes into play, but that’s not the case for most female superheroes.  We found that when women dress for themselves, and not men, they have more confidence and thus fight better.”

    “Plus, they tend to have fewer wedgies and wardrobe malfunctions, so that helps, too.”

  • Henchmen Abandon Golden Age Supervillain in Battle for Being Racist, Sexist

    Henchmen Abandon Golden Age Supervillain in Battle for Being Racist, Sexist

    By Stan Hopewell

    NEW YORK – The Golden Age supervillain, the Sinister Sneaker, terrorized much of Manhattan during the 30s and 40s.  After spending 20 years in prison, the Sinister Sneaker, a.k.a. Jules Fanning, retired from villainy to run a successful shoe chain in the 70s and 80s.  Apparently, the villainy hadn’t retired as he returned today with new henchmen intent on attacking Times Square.

    The henchmen abandoned him ten minutes into the fight after he made several racist and sexist remarks.

    “I guess I don’t know what to expect when we were out in public,” said Jason McCoy, one of the henchmen who willingly turned himself into police.  “The guy’s a legend in our world, so we were all just happy to work with him.  But the dude’s super old, and I didn’t even realize until it was too late that every henchmen was a white guy.  That probably should’ve tipped me off.”

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    Speedster

    The Sinister Sneaker, riding a hover chair and hooked up to an oxygen tank, led his crew into Times Square to destroy property with laser rifles and magnetic gloves.  The Sneaker was hooked up to a loud speaker on his chair and started monologging.  His exact words weren’t recorded, but several witnesses and henchmen remember him talking about “the excess of the future” and “hard work turned us into real men”.  Then, he began to address the crowd.

    “Look, I was all onboard for blasting stuff,” said another henchmen, Paul Barton, who also turned himself in to police.  “But I was not onboard for any of the stuff he said.  First, he made some comment about a black guy with a white woman.  They were a couple, I guess, and that made him mad.  Then he saw some Latino dudes, and that was just awful.  Then he saw some girls using their phones to take pictures of him and started ranting about women not taking him seriously or whatever.”

    “I’m not going to repeat what he said, but dude, it was bad,” said Barton.  “I was done after that.  So was everyone else.  This guy may be a legend, but he’s old as [expletive], and I was done.”

    Half of the henchmen turned themselves over to the police.  This was before Speedster arrived on the scene, and she was able to round up the rest who ran.  The Sinister Sneaker continued his rampage by himself for about two minutes before Speedster dismantled his hover chair.  He was met with a chorus of boos from the crowd, not for attacking them but for his comments.

    “Psh, a supervillain attacks Times Square is boring,” said Speedster.  “No one pays attention to that crap, but racist old codgers, yeah, [expletive] that noise.”

  • Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    ATOM Labs has released an official report of Gil Heredia’s death from falling into a vat of chemicals several months ago.  The short answer:  don’t fall into a vat of chemicals.

    Many superheroes and supervillains have been created by being exposed to a vast array of chemicals.  Speedster, Tara Target, and at least a dozen more are credited with chemical-based origin stories, and many more have been speculated upon though not confirmed.  Regardless, it is a common enough theme among superhumans that most people forget that these are isolated instances.

    “People who do gain superpowers,” said the report, “are special people or were in the right place at the right time.  It seems that a person’s genetic structure has to allow random chemicals to seep in and bond with their DNA.  Or you need to splashed with just the right combination of chemicals or at least be struck with lightning or some outside energy while being exposed to chemicals.  As one might imagine, these are both rare cases, and Heredia was not one of those cases.”

    “In conclusion, do not fall into vats of chemicals, and if you do fall into a vat of chemicals, or get splashed by chemicals, go see a doctor right away.  Do not wait for superpowers to manifest themselves or any kind of mutation to pop up.  You may gain superpowers or wings, but the likelihood is not in your favor.  Thank you.”

    In response to Heredia’s death, Lauren Paladio, safety director at ATOM Labs, has removed all walkways that go over all vats of chemicals.  “I don’t even know why we have them,” she said.  “We have robots that can monitor them.”

  • Despite Testimony from Mutated Bug, Lightning Bug Sentenced to 35 Years

    Despite Testimony from Mutated Bug, Lightning Bug Sentenced to 35 Years

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    By Chase Chapley

    After two weeks of arguments, the jury in the trial of the Lightning Bug, a.k.a. Horace Wagner, convicted him on nearly every charge against him.  The judge sentenced him to 35 years in prison with possibility for parole after 10 years.

    Wagner’s attorney tried to argue that his client exploded the Verzatt Estates in self-defense due to Speedster’s pursuit of him.  They even brought one of Wagner’s mutated bugs up to testify, but that didn’t help their case as the bug, named “Carlos Danger” by the defense, couldn’t actually speak a human language.  Wagner’s attorney seemed to be convinced that it could speak, as he was seen coaching the witness before today’s proceedings.  Whatever testimony the bug was going to provide never came, and the brief testimony from Speedster last week didn’t help either.  She disputed their claim that she was in the apartment at any point prior to the explosion.  She also provided evidence of her whereabouts via the Peace Force GPS signal that emanates from her membership card and helmet.

    The jury deliberated for only twenty minutes before dealing a guilty verdict.  Three counts of property damage and the one count of battery were not included in the verdict, but that still left Wagner with a hefty jail sentence.

    Wagner was escorted off to Granite Prison while “Carlos Danger” was sent away to Super Animal Prison in upstate New York.